New to the Forum - Al-Anon Family Group

kiwigrl · Newbie

New to the Forum

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

kiwigirl,

Welcome to MIP! You have come to the right place. I have learned alot from Alanoners' experience, strength, and hope. Read the literature, post here at MIP, go to the chatroom, and go to lots of f2f meetings. It sure helps. You have alot on your plate. Keep coming back.

In support,

Nancy

ZiggyDoodles · Senior Member

You sound as though you have some knowledge of step 1. That is great. To realize you are powerless to stop him is wonderful. I am sure you have heard the three C's, didn't cause it, can't cure it, and cannot control it.

You are asking about detachment. Detachment for me is detaching myself from his behaviors. Not everything really has to do with me no matter how it may seem. Detachment is nothing is my business past the end of my nose. He could be drunk beyond belief and it is not my business. I make a choice, whether to let it affect me or not. I don't try to speak to them about how I feel, what I am mad about, what it is they are doing when they are drunk, unless I just want to waste air and set myelf up for further dissappointment if I am willing.

Here is a quote from Courage to Change, May 3 pg. 124 (This is a wonderful book to have)

"I do not wish to intervene with anyone's opportunities to discover the joy and the self-confidence that can accompany personal achievements. If I am constantly intervening to protect them from painful experiences, I also do them a great disservice."

So here is what I get from that. By me getting in their business, I don't allow them what they need to stand on their own. It really hurts not just that person but, both of us. I am not responsible for what other do, say, or think, but I can be responsible for me.

I hope that you keep coming back and find the peace within you that you deserve.

Ziggy

maresie2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Detachment has been very very hard for me. A discipline I never had. I must admit I can be overinvovled in lots of things besides the A. Overinvolvement is something I have always done. I try really hard these days not to be overinvolved with the A and its difficult. I feel lke I am missing out somehow. I think I probably am missng out rom what can be possible for myself if I don't detach. I also prefer not having such a tumultuous relationship. I think I also find it difficult sometimes to not engage with the A and pick fights with him because I am still angry with him so much of the time. Choosing to not engage can sometimes be quite difficult. I know when I am overwhelmed and feel I have to speak to the A I should back off. Of course I don't always practice that. The more detachment I can get the better my behavior is.

Maresie

kiwigrl · Newbie

thanks for posting guys!

The quote from courage to change about letting them make their mistakes:

I didn't want him for a year to bounce checks or have late bills because it effects our finances and Our credit. Being married and not having his mistakes effect me is hard.

I am trying to remember while I was growing up and if my mistakes might have financialy effected my parents, if so they dealt with it very well. Making mistakes did teach me a lot, maybe my husband needs to learn on his own.

Jill · ~*Service Worker*~

hi Kiwigirl welcome. I found this website's part on detachment helpful. http://www.coping.org/control/detach.htm#develop Keep coming back -----Jill

ZiggyDoodles · Senior Member

yes, he does need to learn on his own. I know it is hard to let go of somethings. Even when they effect you so deeply. My former A wouldn't allow me to handle the finances at first. He was bouncing checks all over the place. I took over the finances as best he would allow me...he would still take checks and write them, bounce them. I would go pay them and take the blame. I learned quickly in Alanon, I was doing him any kinda of favor. He needed to go in person himself, whether he admitted fault in doing it or not. There were many opportunities, that I didn't allow him to handle on his own. I enable in a major way and didn't even realize it.

I had to scroung to get food on the table, get the lights paid for. For about a year he was getting money every month that he wasn't telling me about (child support for his son). I had spoke to his former wife one evening and she was telling me, "Oh about the $400 I have been sending....I will be sending more from now on...." I asked how long she had been sending it and was quite a while. He wouldn't allow me a key to the po box. She asked me where to send it and I gave her a place to send it to so that I would get it. I waited a few days to tell him what I knew. I gave him a set amount each week. Took his atm card, checks, only that amount of cash for the week. It was more than enough for his drinking. Bills got better and I was able to get caught up on the bills and put food on the table. Then, he started running up his parents gas card. His mother called me one day telling me I had to give her $400 right then. I asked how long it took him to charge it up that high, she told me a week and a half. I told her sorry, I didn't have the money. He would have to pay her a little at a time. I wasn't everyone's best friend at the time. That is okay. I did what I could do to take care of myself and the children. He did start taking checks out of the checkbook again. It wasn't easy. I was resentful and wanted him gone. Eventually, it did come to him having to leave. His behavior was more than I was willing to let my kids see.

When we first got married he worked parttime and went to college. We were on foodstamps and Hud. He had picked up another pt job and didn't tell Hud or the foodstamp office in an interview. Since I was the one applying, for foodstamps, they sent me a threatening letter and explained that federal charges were going to be filed against me. I would not stand up and tell them. I talked to these people until I was blue in the face. I have been paying them back all this money since 2004. Only $110 left to go! Hud dropped us because he lied. They didn't make us payback anything and didn't file charges. I was oblivious to many of the stunts he would pull. When we got our tax return we spilt it and I asked him for the money for foodstamps, and a few other bills he had racked up that were in my name. He did give it to me out of his half. I paid all except the foodstamps and have been making payment ever since. Since we had seperated at this point I knew I needed at much money as possible until I would find a job.

Now, he pays child support when the mood strikes him. He doesn't split our daughter's medical, and another that we had contract on (in my name) that couldn't be canceled. All of this is in the court order. He is hangin himself out to dry. I will only ask once for him to make good on these. Now, at this point...I am not asking again. I will go to the courthouse and file contempt on my own.

Over the last few years, I have watched myself grow. From co-dependant, to Super Woman, to nothing in my path is hopeless. In looking back, I always had a part in it somewhere. Today, I don't.

Ziggy

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Kiwi,

Welcome!! At first Alanon can be a bit overwhelming as we learn a whole new way of thinking. There are no quick fixes, but little by little we grow and things get better.
Sometimes we think there are no solutions when we are in the thick of the insanity, but there is always something we can do to better our situation.

Take care and keep coming back,
Christy

artygirl · Senior Member

Hi Kiwi
I copied the following from this board several weeks ago.
I printed it out and have it posted in my office. Hope it helps you too!

To "let go" does not mean to stop caring.
It means I can't do it for someone else.

To "let go" is not to cut myself off.
It's the realization that I can't control another.

To "let go" is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To "let go" is not to to try to change or blame another.
It's to make the most of myself.

To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.

To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To "let go" is not to judge but to allow another
to be a human being.

To "let go" is not to be in the middle,
arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.

To "let go" is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings
and correct them.

To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.

To "let go" is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

To "let go" is to fear less and love more.

kiwigrl · Newbie

Thank you so much I don't have all the books, bought the One Day At a Time in Ala-non book. I am trying to apply the concepts but it will come with time. Thank you everyone and I am so excited I found this forum.

Hopefully I can find a good meeting to go to tomorrow.

Thanks
Everyone

albertarose · Veteran Member

Keep coming back Kiwigrl. I have been attending Alanon for 3 months and it has helped me tremdously. I still struggle with certain things but I know there's hope through this program and as time passes I will be able to work the steps easier. Just remember one day at a time.(((kiwigrl)))

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

hi, for me i loved the man, hated the disease. I realized it is an illness. I would not get mad at diabetes.

I separated everything, took his name off my house, took care of me so his disease would not screw it all up. If he had a brain cancer I would do the same thing.

making his stuff his and mine, mine made it easier for me to detach. If he argued or was a butthead, I left, or said oh I know whats going on and then go read. Whatever. If the disease was in control, I did not care about him anymore. I felt sad for him being captive inside his body, but I had no control over that.

I learned that I cannot look at a river and think hmmm I want it to go this way or that. Thats dumb. So I know I cannot control anymore than the course of a river, so why try?

He is an A. It is not my concern what he does. It is his life.

He is so sick now I don't even want to hear his voice. He is in no way the kid, then man I grew up with. Been thirty six years. took me that long to let go completely.

hugs, oh "Getting Them Sober." GREAT book. love,debilyn

kiwi sweetie · Newbie

RE: New to the Forum....and Welcome

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.