The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi All--So, in my head again, really bad place to be, don't need any of you to tell me that, know that one by heart. Yesterday, got the tuition bill from the university, and my first reaction was yeah, okay, whatever. All the paper work is in order. And then it occured to me: Oh, fantastic. I have to get my parents involved in my life again. My parents. So much as I've tried to find ways to pay for school, my life, whatever myself, because ultimately I'm on my dad's taxes/insurance/and everything else that allows me to be a functioning human being, ultimately I'm financially dependent on them. So, witin the next few days I'll be caught up in their drama again, and just the thought of it is upsetting to me. I keep hearing the voice of my Divine Spirit saying, You're getting caught up in the dysfunction Sarah. You don't have to play the games. You can just state the case and go on. Say, "Mom, here's the next quarter tuition bill." Period. Bye. And of course, I know my Divine Spirit is right, because what's really going on is the feeling that, somehow, somehow,it's gonna be different this time. Some how this time I'm not gonna have to listen to my parents scream horrible things at each other, even though I do the best I can being firm on the boundry that my name is Sarah, not referee. Some how, some how, my mom's gonna remind me how I'm one quarter closer to graduation, and have I found a "real job" yet? one with insurance and benefits?
So of course in the middle of this fiasco, I finally got a hold of my advisor (can someone pass this one on to CastAway? I know she'll be thrilled to hear it...). Turns out not only did she finally put together an advising report for me, she never notified me she did it. She just never called me back, or emailed, or anything like that to say "Hey, by the way, you're gonna graduate soon." First I can't get ahold of the lady, and then she just...ignores me? What? I feel like a second class citizen, a heel. No, I know what I feel like: Little Sarah, who even when she was right in the alcholic dysfunction, was wrong because of who she was. Not what, but who. So, now I'm meeting with the dean (next week? I think?) who will finally tell me when I'm graduating.
And that creates a whole host of anxiety right there. There's a new program at the University, a graduate school. And, here's the kicker: I have a shot at getting in. I never thought in my wildest dreams I could ever get into the universty's grad school, but as god is my witness, yep, I have the GPA to do it. So I don't know if I should even apply (my father has always promised me that I was on my own after undergraduate school--insurance, groceries and graduate school, which was great, I get that, but it came at an extremely high personal price), if I should "squat" my university apt just in case I DO apply (or, if the pattern with my advisor holds, , find out that I still don't have a definate undergraduate graduation date), if I should even fill out a FAFSA for next year. If it were in my ideal situation (therapy technique here) I'd apply, just to see if I could get in--to see what would happen; my only quandrary is that I've been emailing the provosts of the program, and none of them can seem to agree on what pre-requisites are necessary to get into the specific program I want (GRE score? GPA? Suggested minors or majors?)!
So, I will be calling my sponsor tonight. It sounds like some serious movies and meetings are in order. I am spinning and I think a hamster would envy my abilities at this moment if I were on a wheel.
I am wondering, does your college offer student jobs? When I went back to college as a single mom, that is one thing that I did. I explored all the options offered at the college for aid, applied for every single one, got a job working in the EOPS office which I could do between classes. It made it a bit easier on me as I was already there on campus and didn't have to leave campus to get to a job. Another added benefit was getting to be friends with my boss there, who was Dean of Student Services, and helped to steer me towards other avenues of help, who to talk to for the right answers, etc. Having him as a personal reference on my resume is pretty nice too.
You could also find out what it would take to get yourself declared an "Independent" which might offer more doors to you for financial aid.
As hard as it may be having to deal with your parents for the financial aid, have you ever considered how fortunate you are that they are willing to provide it? Legally, a parents obligation usually ends at age 18. As a parent myself of over-18 kids, I can appreciate their wanting you to get a job of your own. Part of our Al-Anon program is to help us learn how to be independent. Tradition Seven specifically talks of this. I have had to have this conversation with my oldest son, about how he is an adult now and it is HIS choice of how his life goes. I am willing to help him when I can as long as I see an honest effort on his part. What I am not willing to accept is the attitude of "you owe me this." Wrong. I did my part in raising him, now it is his turn to stand up and be a man. Yes, life can be hard, bills are not fun.... but I have my own bills and debts too. I am not willing to dig myself further into debt simply to give him money when he is capable of handling things on his own. Fortunately, he understands this and IS doing the best he can and really trying. Of course I understand that young people often don't have an understanding of how much it takes to keep a home, of how all those bills add up, of how at some point in life you have to think about how you are going to live when you are too old to work. Not all of us have the luxury of a retirement pension. So perhaps understanding the parent side of this might help some.
I do wish you the very best ((((((((((Tiger))))))))) and hope you get the answers you need.
Luv, Kis
__________________
Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
Sheesh!! What a cluster****. I don't know if this will work for you but when my life goes in to a tailspin I act "AS IF".
As if everything will go smoothly. As if I will get what I need/want. As if my life is right on track.
Of course there's always a bit of footwork involved to make it so, it just doesn't fall in to my lap because I'm acting "as if", but it gives me direction.
In recent months I've been very interested in The Law of Attraction. There's a couple great books by Esther and Jerry Hicks. LOA is the belief that there are universal laws. This is an exerpt from the book and barely touches on what LOA is but you'll get the idea.
That which is like unto itself, is drawn. Because the LOA (Law of Attraction) is responding to the thoughts you hold at all times, it is accurate to say that you are creating your own reality. Everything that you exprience is attracted to you because the Law Of Attraction is responding to the thoughts that you are offering. Whether you are remembering something from your past, observing something from your present, or imagining something about your future, the thought that you are focused on activates a vibration/energy within you and the LOA responds to it.
By focusing on unwanted things, or the essence of them, you have created it by default. Because you did not understand the LOA, you have invited unwanted things into your experience through your attention to them.
To better understand LOA see yourself as a magnet attracting unto you the essence of that which you are thinking and feeling. And so, if you are feeling fat, you cannot attract thin. If you feel poor, you cannot attract prosperity. It defies law. The more you understand LOA the more interest you will have in deliberately directing your thoughts---for you get what you think about, whether you want it or not. Without exception, that which you give thought to is that which you invite into your experience.
OK, that's about it. As usual take what you like and leave the rest. I'm sure there will be those that say "I sure didn't invite this"!!! But you must read the book and understand how "this" could happen before there can be judgements. Some may think it's a bunch of ****, but my A and I have been working this in our lives and all I can say is "the universe has responded". BTW, these are very spiritual books and at their core it says this is what HP intended for us.
I'm always a bit outside the box because that's where I choose to be :)
Love Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I'm sorry to hear you are feeling anxious and rightly so. Congrats on the potential for Grad School - that is (you are) amazing! If you can, just deal with today today. As I was reading your post about your anxiety with pursuing your education and possible GPA - is there a way you can proceed if it does materialize without your parents involvement and go it alone? Can you get financial aid and;/or break out on your own in a job and see if they offer tuituion reimbursement and pursue Grad school in a year or two? Either way, congrats on a excellent GPA and try to relax and get into this moment. Just some thoughts and ideas. Hang in there.
I agree with Christy's ideas about attracting to yourself what you focus on . I've heard the same ideas expressed in this story -
" An old Cherokee was teaching his grandchildren about life. He said to them, "A battle is raging inside me ... it is a terrible fight between two wolves. One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego. The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."
The old man fixed the children with a firm stare. "This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person, too."
They thought about it for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"
The old Cherokee replied: "The one you feed."
When my mother had cancer, one of the techniques they taught her was positive imaging - imagining the treatments hunting down her cancer cells, destroying them, imagining herself being healed....My feeling is, it doesn't cost anything, and it might help, so why not?
Remember you've honed down the detachment and not taking it personally skills.
I think graduate school is a whole different boat from undergrad. Why not give it a shot and see if you get in.
The job market is still pretty tight it takes a while to get a job. They don't just appear overnight. So you could tell your mother or whoever since it is a full time job to look for work and you are both studying and working you are having to wait till you have time to "look". Jobs do not just fall in your lap.
I am glad you have this venue to come to. I come here every day and it sustains me in ways nothing else does.
yeah, okay, whatever. All the paper work is in order. And then it occured to me: Oh, fantastic. I have to get my parents involved in my life again. My parents. So much as I've tried to find ways to pay for school, my life, whatever myself, because ultimately I'm on my dad's taxes/insurance/and everything else that allows me to be a functioning human being, ultimately I'm financially dependent on them. So, witin the next few days I'll be caught up in their drama again, and just the thought of it is upsetting to me. I keep hearing the voice of my Divine Spirit saying, You're getting caught up in the dysfunction Sarah. You don't have to play the games. You can just state the case and go on. Say, "Mom, here's the next quarter tuition bill." Period. Bye. And of course, I know my Divine Spirit is right, because what's really going on is the feeling that, somehow, somehow,it's gonna be different this time. Some how this time I'm not gonna have to listen to my parents scream horrible things at each other, even though I do the best I can being firm on the boundry that my name is Sarah, not referee. Some how, some how, my mom's gonna remind me how I'm one quarter closer to graduation, and have I found a "real job" yet? one with insurance and benefits? 
First I can't get ahold of the lady, and then she just...ignores me? What? I feel like a second class citizen, a heel. No, I know what I feel like: Little Sarah, who even when she was right in the alcholic dysfunction, was wrong because of who she was. Not what, but who. So, now I'm meeting with the dean (next week? I think?) who will finally tell me when I'm graduating. 
I never thought in my wildest dreams I could ever get into the universty's grad school, but as god is my witness, yep, I have the GPA to do it. So I don't know if I should even apply (my father has always promised me that I was on my own after undergraduate school--insurance, groceries and graduate school, which was great, I get that, but it came at an extremely high personal price), if I should "squat" my university apt just in case I DO apply (or, if the pattern with my advisor holds, 
, find out that I still don't have a definate undergraduate graduation date), if I should even fill out a FAFSA for next year. If it were in my ideal situation (therapy technique here) I'd apply, just to see if I could get in--to see what would happen; my only quandrary is that I've been emailing the provosts of the program, and none of them can seem to agree on what pre-requisites are necessary to get into the specific program I want (GRE score? GPA? Suggested minors or majors?)! 
