The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
These are just my feelings and "feelings aren't facts"
My Alanon Alter Ego is talking to Maria
But I guess today is the day that I feel like I'm in "it" alone. What is it? Well do you ever feel like it's always you making the phone calls to say hello? Do you ever feel like it's only you who remembers special things about someone else? Do you ever feel like it's you who is there for others? Do you ever feel like it's you who realizes when someone else hasn't been around for a while? Do you ever feel that it's you who is on the listening end? Do you ever feel like it's you who cares about humankind?
I guess today is my day to feel that way. Alanon teaches me that I will only have it if I give it away. So in my life -- home, work, friends -- I give it away. When I make a conscious choice to do something special for someone, am I expecting they will return it? I can honestly say, no. Since Alanon I am much better at examining my motives and looking to see why I do what I do. It's always because "I want to."
Yet here's my alter ego talking . . . "It's a spiritual axiom that when something bothers me, no matter what the source, something is wrong with me." Hmmmmmm, perhaps today is the day that I need to be vulnerable - God I hate that even though the rewards are worth it.
I picked up the phone today, which is another thing Alanon teaches me, but due to life's hecktedness, no one was on the other end. So I am making my telephone calls here today.
Maria
__________________
If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
I 2nd that ((((((((hug)))))))). Between Kis and I you're getting a double squeeze. As far as wonderful internet friends, you're on my top 10 list :) Now why don't I have your number? hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm?
love ya GF, Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Dear friend, you are a wonderful special person....you have no idea how what you did for me picked me right up....and I was feeling at my lowest.......that book was wonderful but, the thought of you taking the time to send it to me meant more to me than you will ever know......
Sorry you are having a rough time of it today. Remeber as someone once told me...this too shall pass my dear...oh wait that was you who told me that I hope you know that you have many many friends here, and we all think you are wonderful. The Master sends his best too ((((((((Ria))))))))
I sit here typing with tears in my eyes. Tears of gratitude for God putting you on this earth and your help and support in my long journey to recovery.
On my wall are pictures of us in Yosemite and Cape Cod at the wonderful alanon conventions.
Also on my wall, year-round is the huge beautifully decorated sequoia pine cone that you gave me.
In my mind are the lessons that you taught me, when my mind was adlled and full of fog.
The parables of the hole and the rope. The support when I fled my ah and regained my sanity.
The late night chats......
good job reaching out for support.
((((((Maria))))))
with love and gratitude
Megan
__________________
Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
(((((maria))))) Basically we all feel alone at one time or another. For years , as probably you as well, felt alone dealing with someone else's drinking. Nobody was going through what I was going through! But reaching out is the only way, may it be you who initiates the call etc or someone calls you, it is a form of communicating, a human "need". Some people choose to be alone, but I for one need the comondry of humans. I too feel some days why am I always doing the calling? However when the need arises I just do it for my own self. Perhaps that other person on the recieving end needed YOUR call for whatever reason. So you are not alone in thinking like this.,,,,All suffering is meant to be transformed. Trust the process to end in joy, and the time in the darkness will end in light. (unknown).....................gardengal
Thank you for validating my feelings and not telling me I was wrong to feel that way. Because in my life, everyone "thinks" I am so strong, I'm not suppose to be feeling sad or lonely. Please know that this was in no way personal to anyone. They were just my feelings. I did try to contact people and then used my phone list. Because I was unsuccessful getting anyone, I thought the board could help. As I said, this was me being vulnerable as I am supposed to be at times and needing to reach out. Lo and behold my beautiful friends reached out and touched my heart.
(((GG))), so nice to see you back. I miss our morning meetings.
(((Megan))) I too value my friendship with you (tears) and am so proud of you and how you exemplify "courage to change."
(((David))) I appreciate your friendship.
(((Blue & Master))) Don't ya know that you aren't suppose to throw my "wisdom" back at me?
(((Mare))) Thank you for understanding where I was at.
(((Andrea))) Though I am not going through you particular experience, I know how disheartening some days can feel. I relate. Love you too.
(((Biatch))) I sent you a PM my dearest so you can kick my @ss after Kismet gets done with me. I'm a lil fragile though
(((Kis))) I sent you a PM too. I'm honored that you'd share your phone with me. I know how precious your time is.
__________________
If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
OH Yes Maria, I do I do, and today is the day. That's why I came here right now!!!! Can you believe it?
I am upset, pissed, ticked annoyed ready to holler. It's no wonder I can't think straight. There is always a whole mess of undercurrents of undetectable or annoying noise in my house. We are quiet people. BUT
right now he is sitting behind me in his recliner mumbling, and making weird sounds while watching sports on tv and having the radio talking about something else at the same time.
Is he crazy or am I
I can't think straight from the moment I get up. Tunes playing in His computer room, hollering interruptions at me from the other room. I cannot concentrate and have so much to take care of....almost ALL the Christmas stuff, just to name a small few.
If I say anything, he gets mad and quits all of what he is doing. Then pouts.
Thanks for message board. Now I won't whine in chat maybe. And thank the miracles that be that you were here Maria. I'm sooo sorry you have to hear it. Just dump it in the yard, ok?
What's my problem? I am a night owl because it's my QUIET time. Then I am pretty lost and grumpy during the day.
I am so glad you posted this.I have said similar things but no one else seems to understand.The most recent example I have is Thanksgiving.At work I asked several people what they were doing for the holiday...are you cooking?....where are you spending Thanksgiving?.......I got long detailed answers about their lives and what they will be doing but you know what? Not one...not one of them asked me what I was doing for the holiday.Even after the holiday many people filled me in on what they did but none asked what I did.I just find that strange.
I am usually interested in people and will ask them about themselves.Rarely does anyone ask about me in return.No give and take on the conversation...just all about them.People seem so desparate to tell others about themselves.
At the place I used to work, myself and a coworker were very friendly with the lady who was the receptionist.When the receptionist retired we all said our goodbyes and vowed to keep in touch.My life went towards the drain (as I have shared here) so I was just not in a mood to call and socialize.My coworker,however,did contact the receptionist who told her that she missed me and wished I would call her. ????!!!!! I just don't get that.Why didn't SHE call ME? It seems I am always the one expected to make the move and then people wonder why I don't call.
I have started to wonder if there is something about me that makes people think they cannot make the first move.I don't see why, I am very friendly and have a great sense of humor.I care about people and it shows.I have one great friend,have been friends with for over 30 years.She is genuinely interested in me and how I feel,what I am doing.I am also the same with her.
I have started a new job and several of the men there have come to talk to me.Guess what...it's all about them.I sit and listen to them tell me about their kids and their lives....they never ask about me or try to draw me out.I will probably fall madly in love with the first man who asks me how I FEEL about something, lol.
It gets very tiring always being the listener...the helper...it feels like I don't really matter.Maybe I feel that way about myself and it comes thru.Maybe I should be more forceful in talking about myself,I guess I just don't want to bore people ( like they bore me,hahaha)
For some reason this topic makes me think of the 4th step. That all-important 4th column of the 4th step.
What is my part in it?
If I am resenting someone for say, not meeting me halfway.... or so it seems... what is my part in it? What are my expectations (premeditated resentments)? If I'm doing something, am I doing it expecting something in return?
Sometimes, if we do want something in return, it's just a matter of asking for it up front. The other person probably isn't a mind reader. It's ok to make a deal. All business is transacted as, I'll do something for you, you do something for me. That's business, not love. Nothing wrong with business, but gotta remember, it works differently.
When we go to the store to buy something (business), we generally don't assume the person behind the counter is a mind reader. We ask for what we want - if they have it, they tell us the price, we pull out our money and make an exchange. But in relationships, we often do the equivalent of walking into the store, laying our wallet on the counter, and standing there. When we leave several hours later, without what we came for, and an empty wallet, we fume and fume.
I know that intimate relationships aren't supposed to be like business. Our perfect mate is our perfect mate precisely BECAUSE they can read our minds, right? They know what we need before we even think of it ourselves. Our perfect mate knows when we need a hug, or a back rub, or to be left alone - all without asking, or even being seen, right?
We're not talking about a human being here, we're talking about GOD.
I see people all the time, who won't cut their husband/wife the slack they'd cut the guy in front of them who wants to make a left turn. Why not? Because their spouse/partner has been elevated to godhood. SHE is responsible for my happiness, and how dare she fail me!
Maybe just for today, I can let people be people, and let God be God.
I've heard people say about the concept of a higher power, that "All I need to know is that there is a God, and it isn't me". To that I add, nor is He my wife (or ex), or my boss, or my mother, or my sponsor, or even the guy flying the plane (although I might want God to pay extra attention to the guy flying the plane, especially when I'm on it LOL).
Oh sweet one. I think there are always those times when we all think we are in it alone.
For me I think it's partly being in a foreign country and with NO alanon meetings or support........and often,no internet,phone or electricity. Sometimes I listen to advice,read posts and absolutely KNOW that the advice I'm getting is GOOD and for real....and it all makes perfect sense.
I feel the love and the warmth of people here in Alanon who have lived through the same hells as I have...it gives me hope,it gives me strength.....it gives me courage.................and yet still sometimes I feel I am in it alone. I have days when I feel SO strong I can take on the world.............and others when,for no apparent reason,I feel weak and scared and frightened and tearful....and SO,So vulnerable and lost.
I feel the love of my friends and family who tell me I am a wonderful STRONG person,and that I deserve so much ..............and how much they envy my strength of character and love of the world and ability to connect with all levels...and so on and so on....and I come home and sit alone and wonder who the hell it is they are all seeing?????
I listened to people here where I live say to me" We have so much love and respect for you Chris,you're really so brave to take on the task you are taking on with this guy...and we all pray it will work out for you"....along with "are you crazy? You're a strong,attractive and intelligent woman...what the hell are you wasting your life with this loser for?"
You've always been a big inspiration and support for me too dear lady. When I've felt in the pits...you,along with some other very special people here,have dragged me up by my bootstraps and pointed me in the right direction.
I guess what I'm saying is.....I think we ALL feel that at times we are in "IT" alone. Thanks to God that those feelings AREN'T reality. They are just feelings.....and we do all feel them. And just maybe feeling them reminds us that we are human and not perfect?And that we all have room in our hearts to keep learning?
I was just having one of those days Sunday! I was "inside my own mind" the entire day...it was the LONGEST day I've had in quite a while. Funny, I knew I should get out of there, lolol, but I had the hardest time doing so.
You're right about giving to others when we are inside of ourselves. Sure does help!
