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Well it seems that my 'A' has made his choice... alcohol... he has not been home for 3 days. Though, I must admit it has been a lot quieter in the house these days. Though it still hurts... I am trying to only deal with my side of the street and continue to live my life as nothing is wrong. Though I must admit it is super tough, but I know this is not supposed to be easy.
Anyhow.. I went over to my mother's last night and we had a good talk. I talked about starting my 2nd job and how angry I am that I am having to get a 2nd job so that I can make up for all my 'A' has been spent out of the account. Now, this week I finally took his bank card away so I do not have to worry about my checks boucing... anyhow... my mom REALLY does not want me to take this 2nd job during the holidays. She wants me to be able to spend time with the family and my son... also my brother and his girlfriend are flying in the NC and if I am working 2 jobs I will have not time to enjoy with him... this is my delima... I need money, but I also do not want to miss out on my brother or take time away from my son...
My mother suggested selling my 'A's' tires and rims that he currently has stored at my parents house. If I do that I am sure to get around $800 to $1000. The tires and rims are brand new and never been used... my 'A' originally bought them for his camaro I purchased for him, but my 'A' has never got his camaro up and running because he spends all his money (and our money) on alcohol. Mind you I purchased the camaro for him for $350 as it has some body damage and needs engine work... I purchased this project car for him 2 years ago and it has just been sitting in our yard since then.
My delima is he bought the tires and rims with his own money... and part of me wants to sell them despite the fact that I did not pay for them myself just to get back a little of what he has taken from us and stay on track financially through the holildays so I do not have to take this 2nd job... but the other part wonders if I can sell the tires and rims... I am angry enough to to do it... but do I have the right????????? I am battling myself over this whole thing... if I sell the tires and rims I DO NOT have to take this 2nd job... uuuugggghhhhh I am so confused on what to do....
My other delima is my 'A's' cell phone contract is up this month and it is in my name. I want to cancel the contract becasue I am the one paying for the phone service, though it is part of my family talk plan. My fear is that... well I know it is over with us... but I do not want to have him on my plan for another year.
I know no one can tell me what to do... but any advice would be great! I am trying to cut the ties slowly without upsetting my 'A' too much, as this would cause a lot of strife in my life. No telling what he would do...
Sounds like you already know what you are going to do. Only you can make those tough choices, and it doesn't sound like you are considering selling these things out of spite.
Boy - A's sure can screw things up financially can't they?! They never seem to stress about it and leave it to others to clean up the mess. I understand completely that you don't want to add strife to your life by talking about these ideas with him. In my experience, however, when I have done sneaky things instead of discussing them with my A ahead of time, his reaction is much more severe than if I were to give him a "heads up." Only you know how he will react.
It sounds like it is time for him to assume some responsibility for his finances. I think you are moving in the right direction, just make sure to keep your side of the road clean.
I can relate, I've got a 70' Ford Torino in my yard, I found it for my A several states away. Really great deal, orginal mileage and it sits rusting, with an expensive car cover INSIDE it.
I don't have any advice either, you have to do what is best for you. Sometimes I think we put ourselves out so that the A doesn't have to sacrifice, only in reality, we all sacrifice. I can't help but wonder if he'd even know they were missing if you did sell them.
Sometimes I just have to sit down and make a list of what is real--what's happened, how I got to that point, and what steps can be taken. Then I look at what works best for me, pray about it, and try to take that next right step.
The cell phone thing is easy, you pay for it, you don't want to. I think if I were you I would call A and tell him your thoughts about selling the tires to make ends meet. Who knows, he may say go ahead. He does have some responsibility in helping support your family. Can't hurt to try it.
take care Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Just my own thoughts ~ as others have said ultimately the decision is up to you but I also like to ask other opinions and then make my own choice.
Regarding getting a second job, when I was finally able to support myself financially, it boosted my self-esteem dramatically. Sometimes we have to do what we have to do. Yes you sure will be tired but you will feel so proud of yourself too.
Regarding the tires, he bought them. They are his to sell; however if your parents are tired of them in their yard, they should tell him he has X number of days to get them out.
What I learned in Alanon is that though someone has done something hurtful to me, when I reply in kind, I only end up hurting myself. That's why this program has been wonderful for me. I can only keep my side of the street clean and if I do unto others as they have done onto me, I only feel bad about my actions.
Regarding the car, you bought it with your money. It's yours to sell.
Regarding the cell phone, cut him loose. The only way others grow is when we allow them the "dignity" of making their own mistakes.
As always, take what you liked and leave the rest ~ the decision is up to you.
Yours in recovery, Maria123
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
I'm sorry you are having a tough time. I agree with what the others have said in their responses to you. But I also have the part of me that says this...the two of you, if you are married, are now one. Because of his addiction, he has chosen to put you in a financial bind, and in my EVER-SO-HUMBLE opinion, LOL, what's his is yours to do with as you need to straighten this mess out.
On the other hand, if you are not married, then by all means what's his is his. I agree with Maria about your mother telling him that they have to be gone by such-and-such a time, or she will sell them. End of discussion there...lol.
I guess having been so hurt and put in financial binds when my husband was actively drinking/whatever else he was doing, I feel he has no say-so in what I try to do (legally and morally) to help clean up the mess that he's caused in my life.
When my husband was in jail for 5 months paying for the DUI's he had, I had been so worried about how I'd make it when he got out (with no license til 2008). I would either have to drive him EVERYWHERE or we would have to be out the cost for a cab whenever he went ANYWHERE. One day, during his "vacation", lol, I found this house for sale right in the middle of town, made an offer on it, put my house up for sale, and sold it in 12 days!! I told him over the phone, while he was still in jail, that we would be moving a week after he got out. It was going to be in MY best interest to be in town, where my work is, because, as I told him, I may decide to be on my own. It would also be in MY best interest to be here should we stay together, as he would be able to walk to his work, his meetings (2 different locations close by) and he would be within walking distance to our church should I not be able to go with him.
He understood that I was finally making a decision to do something for ME so that I could better deal with the financial/no-license/whatever-else situation that he caused.
He's sober...has been for almost a year prior to the jail sentence and almost 6 months after he got out of jail (2 1/2 yrs total). We are still together. But I do know that if he relapses, or whatever, and I decide to be on my own, I'll be ok. It will still be tough financially, but I know I'll be ok.
Final decision is yours to make...this is just my take on things.
Thank you all so much for your advice and words of wisdom.
Just to update all... I did put the rims and tires in the paper... the ad will start running today. I tried to call him on the phone I pay for but he did not answer so I sent him a text letting him know that I was going to sell them, I took babysteps advise, as I did not want to be sneaky about it. I figure if I am adult about this whole thing and let him know upfront what I am doing at least I can say I am keeping my side of the street clean and have no regrets on how I maintained my livlihood.
Another update to the story... after 5 days of being gone my 'A' showed up on Sunday night to "talk." I would not let him in the house and agreed to talk to him on the porch. I did not say anything at first, in my mind I did not think I had to say anything I was the one who deserved an exlanation, I listened. My 'A' said he has been sober since Wed and that he is sorry for what he did. He came over on Sunday thinking I would accept his appology and let him back in without consequence. Though I stood my ground, I am so proud of myself. I told him that I love him with all my heart but I can not hurt anymore. I told him if he wants this to work then he will fight for it. I let him know that I will not let him move back in... he walked out and left me and my son to worry and wonder where he was. I reiterated that this is NOT an easy fix. I let him know that it breaks my heart to do this but that I am have to look out for my best interest and my sons and I can not keep fixing his messes. He was very apprehensive at first... but said he would do whatever it took to fix what he did... so I set some ground rules (should I have done this???? ) ... I told him he needs to work on himself, find himself... get a job, get a place of his own and GET SOBER! I told him I am willing to work on us, but it has to be outside of the home and away from my son. I told him that we can not be good together if we are not good as individuals and we definately can not be good parents if we are NOT good together. He thought it was unfair that he had to play by my rules... but I told him, if what you have said to me tonight is true (he can't live without us, he does not want to lose us) you WILL play by the rules and you will fight for us... He left Sunday night... and I felt good for standing my ground... in the past I have let him back in and cleaned up his mess and fixed his life. I can not do this anymore.
I am not sure if my decision or what we talked about will work... I have told my parents that I am not holding my breath (though I am praying and crossing my fingers that he will turn around and start fighting for what he walked away from) and I am going to still work on living my life for my son and I. I mentioned counseling to my mother and talked about presenting the idea to my 'A' but I am a little hesitant as I don't think he will agree to it... though I figure if he wants 'us" back... if he wants his family back... he will do whatever it takes... though I think I am living in a dream world sometimes...
I guess at this point the ball is in his court... and as long as it's in his court at least I can say I tried... I did all I could... though it is hard... I want to call him and tell him come back home I miss you and we can work on this together... but I know in my heart that if I do that it I will be saving him again and I truly think that in order for him to succeed and get through this he has to save himself.. though I do not know if he will save himself. This is so hard for me... it is hard for me to be strong but I have to be for my son... it is hard for me to know that this may be the end to us... this may be done.
Though all in all... I am tired of hurting, tired of crying... but the hurt and tears keep coming like wild fire! He hurt me bad this time and all the love in my heart can not repair what was done... only time... only time...
Thank you ALL for all your words... I feel so alone these days (even though I am surrounded by my family) but when I come here... even just to read the posts... I don't feel so alone anymore...
wow, what a great post! I remember when I was right there only I packed up the kids and everything in the house and moved out and left him there. All I can say is that I wouldn't count on it getting easier. I think actually it will get a lot harder but you were strong and you can stay strong. someone said there are 25,000,000 bachelors out there somewhere. The more time goes by the easier it will get. Are you going to f2f meetings? This helps to have someone who genuinely understands to call.
It will still be tough financially, but I know I'll be ok. 
I told him that I love him with all my heart but I can not hurt anymore. I told him if he wants this to work then he will fight for it. I let him know that I will not let him move back in... he walked out and left me and my son to worry and wonder where he was. I reiterated that this is NOT an easy fix. I let him know that it breaks my heart to do this but that I am have to look out for my best interest and my sons and I can not keep fixing his messes. He was very apprehensive at first... but said he would do whatever it took to fix what he did... so I set some ground rules (should I have done this???? 
