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I've been posting here about what goes on between me and my AH. And I've said that lately he's been coming here to the house and spending time, being nice and kissy,etc. and he spent the whole holiday- Thurs. thru Sun. - here with the family (he did go back to his place at night). It was all good. And it has basically been good generally except for a moment or two. Last night we talked on the phone but I said something that bothered him: when I answered the phone, I asked him if it was his "signal" call to let me know that he was home and I could come over. I was teasing and I have said it a few times in the past week and he either says, "Yeah, right." or he ignores it. But last night he asked me why I keep saying that, putting him in a corner. I didn't know how I was putting him in a corner since he comes here any time, acts like he never left, has eaten here,etc. and it's been fine by me. Why he doesn't want me to come to his place puzzled me and he said it was because it sounds like I think everything is okay with us. First of all, he cames here acting the very way he said I sound and second of all, I do not believe we should go back to living together at this time. But I thought about this whole deal all night and started thinking again about the ways he acts even though he hasn't had a drink in a year (3 yrs. before that) and has been going to AA for 2 1/2 mos. I have used the phrase "dry drunk" in describing what I see but I don't think I fully grasped what it means. So I went on-line and found a site that really describes what it is and all the characteristics. And I saw that they were describing him to a tee. It kinda relieved me to read about it especially because I wondered how my A would ever come to see that in himself even with AA. Seems like a stretch. And I wonder about detaching from someone who has been acting as good to me as he has lately. I didn't want to start ignoring him altogether and tell him to quit coming over. Then I read mobirdie's post on detachment and was never so thankful! I know we should detach but I must be thick-headed because I have to have it spelled out for me. So to have 'dry drunk' and 'detachment' put before me in one day has helped a whole lot with getting it more into focus. I think I'll sleep better tonight.Thanks for letting me share.....
I think I have to be constahtly reminded of these topics because I am a people pleaser codepdepent and automatically go to that. I also have a lot of anger and resentment and can go to obessively resenting in a second too so I have to be reminded of the need to detach too.
I wonder if this is something I'll have to look forward to. Wife is in her 7th day at rehab. I'm scared of what I've read; ie. BPD, Dry drunk... sorry to share my scare
Yours in looking forward
c
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
If, and that's a mighty big if, he's in AA and working with a sponsor, what you're probably seeing is what is called Post Acute Withdrawl Syndrome (aka PAWS). It's a real booger for everyone involved. I recommend you look it up.
Your post sounds familiar to me. My AHsober moved out 1 1/2 years ago. At first he was popping in all the time using the washer, watching TV, etc. He never invited me to his place. He even went so far as to say I wasn't welcome there, that you know I don't love you and I want a divorce. I was able to go in and use the bathroom 2 weeks ago. And then last week he said well, we could drive back to his place and stay overnight to get an early start. Go figure. I think it is a power play like when a 5 year old won't share his toys.
Yea, so focus on ourselves. Detach, detach, detach.
Even with his three years sober, I find that if I try to figure him out, I go crazy.
One insight I had, a while ago, when he was moody and irritable and I thought I would go around the bend - you know how WE tend to have little slips, when we start to obsess, or worry, or involve ourselves too deeply in others problems, even though we are working a program and should know better? Well, I think even when sober and doing reasonably well, THEY do the same thing. Start lying, manipulating, throwing up smoke and mirrors, confusing the issue, shifting blame - not because there is anything going on, necessarily, but just because that's the way they are used to operating. My A refused to talk about what was bothering him, and for a few days I tortured myself about that - oh, there's something serious going on, oh, he wants to leave me, oh, he's suicidal again, oh, he's picked up...... And then I remembered some of my own program, and made myself stop. Once iI had taken the focus off of him and come to some semblance of sanity again, it occured to me that a more reasonable explaination for him not being willing to talk was that he was aware that he was using old A behaviour, and knew he shouldn't but was unable to stop because of stresses he's under. He's better enough not to run to the bottle when things go wrong, but not better enough to deal with it healthily.
When I think how hard it is for me to keep a healthy outlook, and deal with things in a good way rather than a self-destructive one, I have a lot of sympathy for the A's. They have all the trouble of changing lifelong behaviour patterns too, and a physical addiction on top of that. No wonder it takes awhile, and never really is perfect.
I was with my A when he was drinking and also when he was sober. They're only one drink away when they're sober. He slammed plenty of doors sober. He went to at least one meeting a day and I usually went with him.
2 and 1/2 months isn't long to be in AA, and the time before being sober just doesn't count in my opinion...we never know if they drink or not when they swear that they're sober. It's also interesting to me how much we keep track of their time/dates/when they last drank, etc. They don't keep track of it.
Pretty soon, if he keeps going to AA, the love of the fellowship will take over, and you will not be needed at all. I wasn't even invited to my A's first sober birthday party at AA - sheesh, I had lived it with him, and wasn't even allowed to go celebrate the milestone. I was allowed to wade thru the wreakage of his past with him during the tough times.
Be grateful for the breathing time apart. You are very focused on what he's doing. He'll need you less and less if he's working his program, and that's a good thing. There's lots of healing and wonderful stuff for us too here. I just feel when I'm in an Alanon meeting, that that time is for ME. It's a very selfish, indulgent time, all about me me me. It's grand!
lin0606 wrote: Even with his three years sober, I find that if I try to figure him out, I go crazy.
Start lying, manipulating, throwing up smoke and mirrors, confusing the issue, shifting blame - not because there is anything going on, necessarily, but just because that's the way they are used to operating.
Honey--this is not only the way they are used to operating, this is abuse. You don't have to go to the emergency room to have been abused. It's time to call a spade a spade. This is abuse, and this is what abusers do, they lie and blame and manipulate and confuse until you think you are crazy. I'ts all about power and control and it is all about them and has nothing to do with you. They are called power up people. This sounds like he has 2 issues to deal with, alcoholism, and abuse. They are separate but 2 very serious things he has to deal with. If I were you, I would check out a battered woman's support group and get some feedback from them. Good luck and God bless.
