No joke he's conning you. Pulling your chain in every sense of the word.

 Whether or not he actually "goes somewhere else" is unknown to me. It isn't unheard of in disease for people to have affairs--we've actually had a member in my home group need to get tested for STI's again because of her ex husb. One of the best things you CAN do in the mean time for his "games" is to focus on yourself: what actions do you need to take *right now* to stay in recovery? Sleep  in another room? Throw him outta the bed room?

 Additionally, I'd encourage you to continue to build a life outside of his alcholism. Is there an institution that could use volunteers (like the YMCA/YWCA?)? Is there a meeting that you really like that you feel you could make your home group? Many of our members have found that, as they build a life seperate from the alcholic and their disease, they don't have time, energy, desire or patience to deal with unacceptable behavior and have a deeper desire to enforce boundries, ie "I have stated this is how I feel and this is what I am going to do when you treat me this way. Now I am going to carry thru."

 Well, hang on there, before you throw the baby out with the bath water. One of the things that comes with time is that we learn to identify the roots of our thinking and what is constructive and what is destructive. Obviously you're identifying right away what isn't working and what is.

 This is where  a sponsor and step work are absolutely crucial. It's important that when we are in periods of transition, changes in thinking and changes in self evaluation, we realize how important we really are and we surround ourself with people who affirm who we really are. Being with al anon members, AA members, a sponsor and our higher power help affirm our self worth. Additionnally, you may find it helpful to consult a councelor in this matter. Undoing old tapes from our adult hood also has roots in child hood: it is said that we marry people that are most like our parents, and we are most sensitive to the messages we recieve from them. (This is not written in stone any where obviously, but, you get the idea.)

 ((HUGS))  Keep us posted, and keep coming back

Boy oh boy do I understand this one.  SEX is a HUGE issued between me and my AH.  He is a crack addict along w/being an alcoholic.  He has been sober for 6 months up until last week.  And his demands for sex were so high that it was totally turning me off of it.  He said that I was his new addiction.  But with all of the stress I am under trying to run a household, hold down a full time job, be a mother to 2 and a wife, and control all of the finances (I have more going out than coming in), I am stressed.  The last thing I want is to have him demand sex and make me feel like I am a horrible person for not wanting it.  I don't have the energy or desire.  And the whole time we are involved in it, I am thinking about him hurrying it up so I can get on with the OTHER CHORES I have to do before bedtime.  And I know that if i give it to him one night, I will be off of the hook hopefully for the next night.  ISN'T THAT SO SAD??

Well, right now he isn't getting it b/c he has disappeared. I haven't seen or heard from him since last Thurs.  And he won't be getting it when he gets back.

And believe me, I have heard the whole mess about how he will go find it somewhere else if he can't get it at home.  I tell him to go right ahead.  He has cheated on me before so why not now.  In fact he was carrying on about that just last week before he disappeared.  It was that time of the month for me and I was not feeling up to giving in to his selfish whim.  So he started in on it and I just said, go! Geez just go if you must.  Well, hmmm....now he is gone. 

I am like Good Riddins.  Just show up in time to sign the sale papers for our house so the kids and I can move on with our lives. We'll see.

In the meantime, you have tough. Do what you feel you need to for YOU. Screw him or NOT.  LOL Sorry - not a funny joke. Just kind of happened.

QOD

Sex is a hard one for me too.  We are "taught" by society that you must be ready, willing and able anytime your loved one approaches, or something is wrong with you. 

In my marriage, alcohol is now his mistress.  I want him more than he wants me, but I want him on the nights when he doesn't drink, which are very seldom.  I find myself jealous that he doesn't have his hands on me, because he always has them on a can of beer, or a cigarette.  I have actually taken a cig from his hand and put it out to get some action between US.  I haven't tried that yet with taking a beer from his clutch. Hey there's an idea.  I was thinking the other day, that his lips, which used to seek out mine, rarely do, except for the usual good-bye and hi kisses, which are quick and functional.  But his lips, the ones I loved, are most always in contact with either a beer can, or a cigarette.  Very sad.  Makes me sad.

If you are uncomfortable having sex with him, then don't.  It will only be demeaning to you.  I've had an Ex tell me that if I didn't do the deed, he would find someone else to.  I told him go ahead, but if you do, do not ever ask me again.  And I meant it.  If it comes down to all that it means to them is a warm body, and it doesn't matter if it is yours or not, then forget it.  I think he's just blowing smoke to make you uncomfortable. 

Keep doing what you need to do to keep yourself safe and sane.

Love in Recovery,

Becky1

Hello hadenough , well it is a dilema alright , when my husb drinking became  problem for me sexually  I ask him to come to bed smelling like soap and tooth paste or please dont touch me I simply could not do that anymore . The only sexual abuse I have suffered is what I did to myself by allowing myself to be used in fear of him finding another woman .

Luckily for me my husb was a gentleman he never tried to force me into have sex with him and tried as best he could to respect my request but he couldnt . so sex stopped for us for along time.  If I don't have any respect for my body  why should he ?    And he was a cronic alcoholic  so no day was a sober one . Detachment pamphlet says to not allow ourselves to used or abused in the name of  recovery .

If your using no sex as a punishment it will backfire but if you set a boundary for yourself out of respect for yourself , you have the right to say no .

((((((HadEnough)))))

Please take what you like and leave the rest.  I'm glad you had the strength to post this, it's often one of those silent things we carry with us as just part of our load. 

Once my A announced that, after having watched some strange Oprah show, that he need to have "it" 2 and 1/2 times a week ( which meant out of 14 days he had to have sex at least 5 times.)  Now this just made me want love all over him, don't ya think LOL.  Oh and there was something to it about paying me for over the 5 time....hmmmm

I remember bargining w/ him.  If you don't drink we'll have sex.  Big mistake.  If he walked in the door and hadn't had a drink = sex.  So it was like, ugh, he wants sex.  Didn't matter what my day had been like, didn't matter about me at all.  He was doing what I asked and thus he SHOULD get sex.  It was a self defeating trap. 

I remember all the nights I'd avoid it, dreading the arugements (and there were some big ones) The mean things he'd say, how cold I was, I was probably gay, etc.  So my self esteem took a beating whether we had sex or not.

Ultimately, I have to say that there was a time that I did use sex as a weapon -- a bargining tool and a point of manipulation.  All these are control issues.  They honestly are.  Believe me I do understand slipping into bed and holding my breath that I didn't wake him because I knew what that would mean.  It was awful.  But my part in it was the only thing I could change.  So here is what I did.

First I looked at what I needed.  My punishing him by denieing him sex because he wouldn't do what I wanted or even when he did what I wanted was only preventing me from having sex.  I was hurting myself.  Heck, I like sex -- lol.  I started to take the conditions away. 

Then I prayed that HP would help me feel attracted to him again.  Help me see what HP saw in him.  This really worked. 

Next I started initiating things well before the stupper stage so that he'd get the drift and believe it or not things started to get better in that one area. I also did my best to leave the expectations at the door, though I was in some ways "planning" I also knew that w/ an A you can't expect things to go a certian way.  So by leaving the expectations out, I also prevent a good many resentments.  

Looking at the situation from a different perspective helped me to see that this was about me and what I needed.  It helped me to let go of the control, manipulation, and conditions (if you want to have sex, you need to.... or if he would only do this or that, then I'd be okay.)  So as I started to change so did my A -- it was a positive thing.

Now here's the kicker, my A thought, because my behavior changed, that there must have been or was someone in my life to have changed me so.  And no convincing other wise would help.  So one situation just turned into another for me.  I will never understand the A thinking.

Again take what you like and leave the rest.

I've been working hard all year to get unentangled from the A's finances. I think its pretty frustrating stuff. In the middle of it the A tries to do a control number.  He'll demand sex, a clean house, total veto over everything.  He also demands "co operation.  I went to huge lengths to make the bedroom comfortable. He was sleeping with sleeping bags (old tatty nylon sleeping bags) he took over that.  He is totally needy and demanding one minute, cold and aloof the next.  I work at night and come home exhausted and he wants me to be romantic. I hardly feel romantic exhausted.  He'll demand on the spot stuff and then go into total withdrawal when he doesn't get what he wants on demand on cue on the spot. 

He is never in reality. We have slept separately for years.  He'll go into total insecurity about  me speaking to anyone, a guest at the hotel for example but he does nothing much to be "nice" ever. 

When we were first together he was full of romantic gestures and loving attention. That person is now replaced with a dry drunk, resentful, sulking, screaming raging and demanding.  That's also accompanied by withdrawal.  He'll withdraw into some merged friendship for ever be gone for days on some binge and then come back demanding that I say nothing.  When I think about this I think its hardly sexual or loving to be demanding sex on cue on demand.  The way I find out is to separate myself as much as possible. Its easier to sleep apart.  I couldn't believe it this last week when I was totally worn out and told him so that he would be needy and want care.  He has no understanding of my limits because I am of course supposed to have none.  If I have any he feels that it is totally personal to him. 

The more I look at the A the more I realise he was never capable of being a couple.  I spoke to him earlier this year about going away for a few days. He stayed on that track for one minute then went off on what he wanted to do and how important it was that he got his needs met. For once I could see that a trip anywhere would be pointless because it would be all about "him" once again.  He doesn't even have the concept of sharing or spending time together. Basically sex is the same as everything else, one big need he projects all over me and demands I cater to.

Maresie.

Hi, I could feel the heaviness on your shoulders in this letter.

First if it were me, I would take one day at a time. For me that means, getting up, taking a shower, smelling good, enjoying the candlelight.

I think about what I "can" do today. And I do what I feel I can do.

I understand you feel pressured to do so much and all, but really all we can do, is what we can do. For me, if I just take the steps and do things, accomplish something, then the end of the day I feel better.

Ok the sex thing. Geez I believe you already answered that. If all you are is a vessel, forget it. It is not like he is wooing you and wanting to love you. If he wants sex he can do it by himself.These are my thoughts, not telling you what to do ok?

If he chooses to be immoral, it is his choice. I said that to A a thousand times,"It is your choice.."

Besides all we need is some disease from them. Who knows what they really do. I have said all along my A would never cheat. But you know, he is not the same man anymore. He is not the same drunk he was before his surgery. He may do more than abuse and lie and all that now.

I would think one would feel so awful during and after doing it, just to shut him up. Plus the two times it happened to me before I realized how changed he was, I was raped, or felt like it. It was horrible. this was NOT my husband.

Tell him to get a loan for your half of the equity in the house, then do it....well it's a thought. I am kidding. 

Marriage is a precious thing, to have to barter and abuse and coerse spell to get it makes it seem so dirty.

so is the house in his name too? Can you just refi instead of selling and then just take your money and go? that may be easier than fixing up and selling. Plus save your sanity and your heart.

Use half of his or whatever to pay his half of your debts.

This disease is horrible. It makes us so sick. I would think if we played along, let his disease use us, then we are even sicker. plus the more miserable they are, the better. That is the only way they may ever be able to stop using.

I am guessing if you told him to get out, he would not do it. Not telling you to, just thinking outloud.

I am glad you are here. The issues are really hard. But remember,"To thine own self be true."

Much love sister in alanon, debilyn