The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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level.
My mom and I are the only people in the program in our family. She is here visiting from out of town and I feel obligated to be around family that is active in there drinking, however on the same side of the coin I want to go. I'm confused in my own mind.
My sister who, last time my mom was here, told my mom that she (my sister) didn't want to see my mom again. Now that she is here again has asked to meet with me and my mom before Thanksgiving and spend time with her. My sister has never been kind to my mom and my mom is feeling very apprehensive and weepy.
How have you all pushed the negetive comments out of your mind and continued to enjoy being around the toxic people in your life.
My mom who is siting next to me wants to know, how do I keep my feelings to my self when I am feeling the overwheliming desire to cry. The place where we are going for Thanksgiving she feels so out of her element she doesn't feel in a safe place.
Hugs to you and your Mom. How hard this must be for her. But, good for you both for having a program.
I agree with kabbie. Have an emergency escape planned. If things get the least bit negative, try to not engage in the conflict. Just grab your momma and get the heck out of there. Bow out as gracefully as you can, and leave the other people/persons to scratch their heads.
Is there a public place you can meet? Oftentimes, for me, that is the least scary. Maybe some family-type restaurant where alcohol is not served? Just an idea.
I used to go with the A to his mother's house for thanksgiving. The mother would insist we were there for like 12 hours minimum.
I would get stuck with the mother who would talk non stop about herself. The A would go off with his brother and smoke dope and have a great time. Where was my holiday.
So I stopped going.
Then I tried cooking an alternative thanksgiving for him. He did not help at all. His friends came over ate everything and did not even offer to help wash up.
So I stopped that.
I still don't have an optimal thanksgiving for me. I know I won't tolerate too much. I just can't afford the resentments they kill me.
I think there are alternatives. I still feel anger at the A for manipulating me about his mother's house. I still feel angry about his attitude towards the holidays (they are his holiday not a shared thing). At the same time I don't put myself in situations where I collect more resentments.
I think it may take a long time to get to a holiday where you feel safe. Voicing your concerns is the first step. I think it takes a lot of courage to do that.
Some day I will have the thanksgiving and Christmas I deserve. I am not there yet but I know I am on the way.
Read a GREAT book, recommend you get a hold of it: It's Not Easy Being Green, Jim Henson. Seriously! The thesis? "Those who are comfortable with themselves and know who they are in their hearts will inevitably make uncomfotable those who are, for whatever reason, not knowing who they are. Perhaps those who are 'not knowing' are unable; they refuse to search their soul for who they are; for whatever reason that a person will not take the time to get to know themselves and become comfortable with themselves, they will purposefully, adamantly, and intentionally make those who do know who they are uncomfortable for simply knowing. " Now, this is where the solution that you hear so often in the rooms offered by Elenor Roosevelt applies: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Your sister is perfectly fine; she doesn't like the fact that you and your mother are no longer playing the "family dysfunction" game. She is upset that you and your mom are working on yourselves to change yourselves from the inside out. This is not your problem nor your business. Go to the party. Go to Thanksgiving. Let your sister spin and be dysfunctional. So long as you are true to your inner source, your spirit, you cannot go astray. Listen to the voice of your higher power, and I garentee that no matter what your sister does you will be just fine. You might even have fun!
I agree with the majority, go and if it gets too stressful or whatever have an excuse to bow out early.....maybe you could say that you are meeting someone else for dessert or that maybe one of you isn't feeling well. Or maybe you and Mom could have a nice dinner alone and then go to be with the others for dessert. As for meeting with sis (my A sis can be an extremely trying person, and that is an understatement lol) before thanksgiving, maybe you could meet her somewhere for coffee. If things are going well you can stay awhile if not you can leave after coffee, no one is obligated to stay there for any period of time.
And Mom, if you need to cry then cry. In my opinion there is nothing wrong with letting people know how you feel as long as you do it in a healthy way.
Hay All! Thanks so much for the feedback. we are so greatful for the wisdom that we hear from out there. When a meeting isn't possible, thank goodness for this site!
Mom says: After how many years in the program, I forgot that it's none of my business what my daughter thinks of me or anyone else for that matter. And I love the the fact that I can leave at any time and leave people scratching their heads. I never heard the thesis on Jim Henson's book! Remarkable perception!
Funny you should mention sickness (mom says mental sickness. lol) Maresie. I'm recovering from a penndicitius (where's the spell check) and infection. A Perfect out. LOL.
Funny you should mention sickness (mom says mental sickness. lol) Maresie. I'm recovering from a penndicitius (where's the spell check) and infection. A Perfect out. LOL.