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Here's what's happening. My A son's separated from wife couldn't reach him on the phone so she went over to his empty apartment and found him drunk and maybe coked and he told her to leave because he would be dead anyway in an hour. She left and called me. My H and I suggested she call 911. She did. He called me and said they were outside and he wasn't going to let them in. Then he called again and I didn't answer.Then she called and said that he phoned her from the ambulance and they were on the way to the hospital and he would answer their questions and get out of there. I told her i wouldn't pick him up and she shouldn't either.
He hasn't been to work in 2 days. I don't know if he has been fired or not. I do know he's drinking every day and is deeply depressed. Maybe this is the bottom, maybe not.
I feel numb and barely alive. i know I can't run to him. He has to want to stop and I can't make him. I hope the people in the hospital see through the good act he can put on when he is drunk. When he is in a blackout, he can really act sane.
I am supposed to go to my Mom's tonight, but my husband is afraid to leave and is totally crazed with anxiety. It' 100 miles away and I don't want to go myself. It never ends.
I too am so sorry for this crisis you are going through. You are doing the right thing by letting him deal with his disease. I pray that he reaches this bottom and wants to desperately get help.
I can't imagine have an A son, it must be so heart-wrenching. You're right, it seems to never end. First of all, remember to BREATHE, and KNOW in your heart that HP has a plan for everyone. This may be the bottom for him to be miserable enough to reach out.
I admire your strength (though I know it must be so hard) not to go to the hospital and enable him. As a recovering alcoholic myself, I know that to reach the place where there is no hope and no one to help is when you have to reach out to programs that are out there. I hope someone has suggested AA or Celebrate REcovery or something where he knows he can go.
I will say a special prayer for you today and your family. I know you are going through a lot. Please remember to not let the disease drag you down, breathe, and try to talk to another Alanon or sponsor. It is so important right now.
You are doing so great to post this, reaching out in that way.
I'm praying right now...for him and especially you and your husband. Do what everyone says....breathe and keep saying the serenity prayer. It is in HP's hands. There is not one thing you can do except go to the hospital and rescue him. If you do that, you run the chance of him coming back up from his bottom only to go down another time.
As hard as it is at this very minute this just might be a changing point for him. I hope it is.
Please hold on. I need you to help with my son when I am in that place.
Many ((((hugs)))) and prayers coming your way. This is so very stressful, and I have been through something very similar with my AW in the past few weeks.
One quick thought about your trip to see your mother. Other than sit by the phone, what would you do if you stay home? You mentioned it is 100 miles away, and that sounds like the ends of the earth in a crisis, but in 2 hours you could be home even if you stop to eat. I am certainly not telling to go or not go. But, if you feel the trip would be better than pacing, it doesn't seem cold hearted to me to go.
He is in the hands of professionals right now. Hopefully they will be able to offer him some much needed assistance.
Please be gentle with yourself, it is very much out of your control at this point.
Take care of you and know we are here for you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
laurab, I am so so sorry about this. I, too, am a mother just struggling with her son's problems. And I know that this thing which has happened is the very thing you have been concerned about in the past week or so in your posts. I cannot imagine it, having to keep myself from running to the hospital. Prayers are going out for you and for your beloved son. Please let us hear from you and how he is doing and how you and your husband are doing.
Wow, yeah. Maybe by being in the hospital he'll reach a bottom. they're certainly not gonna let him out of the hospital when he's this sick, I hope? (((HUGS))))
Thank you all. I couldn't stay strong without you.
2 hours ago I called the ER. I spoke to a snotty nurse and told her that I think he is a danger to himself. In July, when he was smashed, he burned himself lighting a gas stuff and wound up in the burn unit because they thought he burned his eyes. I ran. They sent him home in 5 hours because his eyes were ok. The other burns hurt a lot, but healed eventually. He kept drinking so it wasn't the bottom. I wanted the ER to know that he might be a danger to himself. The snotty nurse said he was calm and told them that his wife called the police because they had a fight and that's why he was there. She said the police corraborated his story which makes no sense to me or his wife. The nurse said they would evaluate him. Can they make him stay if they think he is a danger or needs detox? I don't know.
We have paid for 4 rehabs in 4 years. The last one was in July, 30 days. He has no insurance and we have very little money left, so he has to be on his own now. I hope they keep him. I am not going there tonight. So far I can't get my husband out of the house. He is a wreak.
I am so sorry you and your husban d are going through this. I have shared with you before the situation with my children and it is basically the same. I too dread hearing the phone ring.
Imagine me standing there giving you a warm hug ....cause I am there in spirit! I'm not sure I would have your strength.
I know you must be going through some tough moments right now. I've beem through the same scenario with my A many times but I think that if it were my son, it would be all the harder for me to deal with. My heart goes out to you....All alcoholics are a danger to themselves because the physical harm they may cause themselves ( cigarettes left burning, dinner left burning on the stove, falling, burning themselves,cutting themselves, driving off the road,and a million other things). And their health is at risk, of course. When my A landed in ER, he was drunker than drunk and,a few times, his heart thought about stopping. At first. I'd go to the hospital, scared to death. But the hospital doesn't treat the disease. They treat the effects of it, like withdrawal or dehydration, and will detox them if they co-operate but they cannot make him go for help. At this hospital they have a section of one of the floors that is just for alcoholics or drug addicts who've gotten too sick from their binge or whatever. And they had a social worker who was in recovery herself and who talked to me privately about the situation with my A and how I could help myself. And she would talk to him. She was really nice to both of us..... The police may arrest an alcoholic for his behavior depending on the situation but they can't make him get help. They can only suggest it. Sometimes the courts can make you go to a rehab.....My A also went to rehab 4 times. The rehabs and ER rooms, stays in the hospital - none of that made him stop. At first, I would think "Thank God! He's bound to hit bottom now." Since there was a next time, and another next time, I quit hoping for anything to be his bottom. I stopped going to the hospital to see him when they called because it was the same old thing and I began to see that, in my case, he was doing it for attention most of the time, with the hope that we'd all be so concerned about him being there and relieved that he made it out, and the focus would be taken off the thing that got him there in the first place. The hospital would let me know if he was in serious condition and of course I would go then but once I stopped paying attention to him like that, he quit getting an ambulance to take him to ER. He wasn't going to rehab again. Those facilities did as much as they could for him! So eventually, he went for help on his own in AA (his 'recovery' is another story).....I know it must be so very hard on you know with this being your son. The hospital will give him immediate care if he accepts which it seems he probably will. And if you step aside as you are by not going there tonight, it may be what he needs to take a look at himself. I do know you'll be hearing from him or his wife by tomorrow. Try to take it easy, and keep us posted....jaja
Well, he just called and they are releasing him and recommending an out patient program which of course he says he will do. I've heard this many times before. He doesn't have a ride home and I'm not going. I must convince myself that he doesn't have a ride home because he got there by drinking. Maybe he will find his wife and she will pick him up. She is the super enabling queen.
My A son is so good at charming people.When he finally went job hunting after 4 months of not working, he was offered 4 good jobs. Now I don't know if he still has his job since he hasn't been there since he started this binge a few days ago. He told me he still has it but who knows.
We didn't go to my Mom. We both just too beat to drive 200 miles tonight. I can't tell my Mom or sister what's happening. They think he is still married, living in his nice house and working his good job-all gone.
You are in my thoughts, stay strong and you are right not to go driving 200 miles now, that can wait, as for your mother and sister, you don't need to worry about that right now, take care of you,
I just spoke to my A son. We spoke quietly about choices-how when he drinks nothing goes right and he has had good times when he is sober. Then he started yelling that I was making him feel bad and driving him to go to a bar. So I guess nothing has changed. He doesn't want to change. He just wants to drink. He is just wrapped up in himself.
He has lost the key to his storage place and he can't get his stuff so he is sleeping on the floor, no tv, dishes, furniture. His dog is in a boarding kennel and he doesn't have the money to get him out. I have a key to the storage, but he hung up yelling. before I could tell him and now I don't care.
I don't like him right now and that makes me feel bad. I don't feel sympathy, just anger. I feel like a mean Bi*t*h.
There are many times that I don't like my A but I always love her dearly. That doesn't make me a bad person, that just gives me a warning that I need to back off at that time, keep my mouth shut and not say anything I shouldn't. Will keep you and yours in my thoughts.
lilms
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Two things: 1. Recovery is a process, not an event.....and.... 2. You only get to go around once. Leave em laughing and make it worth your while
Well, you are NOT a mean Bi*t*h. You are human with feelings and emotions. And you are a mother who is watching her son destroying himself with alcohol. No picnic. That talk about driving him to go to a bar sounds like a typical retort my A used to give me. I used to tell him that I was sorry I made the mistake of making him go to a bar because I had meant to make him go jogging......He already knows how awful is life is being drunk - he knows how he's living in that place. And somewhere in the back of his mind he knows how much better his life would be if he lived a sober life. It's doing it, getting there, that's the tricky part. He may have gone to ER but, since he left, he's still under the influence at the moment. No better than he was earlier today so it's not likely you'd see change. Personally, I'd have to go check on him later just to see if he's as okay. Maybe leave him so tylenol or something and then leave. I might even tell him to let me know when he's ready for help and I'll do what I can - like get an AA member to come talk to him and take him to a meeting. That kind of help cuz I sure wouldn't lay out more money for rehab. You see that your own effort to get him to change doesn't work and you're just exhausting yourself. It's hard to pull out but it's the best thing for him. It will give him a better chance to really see what's become of himself and maybe then he will be ready to look for help. It's up to him - we just have to keep out of the way so he can see the light. Don't lose hope. In the meantime, try to get a good night's sleep. You need it, you've had a tough day.....jaja
You are not a b*t*ch by not liking him, we can love someone with all our heart but not like them for a time. It is part of being human. I will keep your family in my prayers.
Wow - all of these posts brought up memories of my brother. He'd get caught drunk/high and be put into the psych ward. Sometimes overnight, sometimes for two weeks. He was so smart, and would talk them into believing that he wasn't going to drink/use again. This began around 1966.
But he did. The cycle would repeat. My mother "rescued" him by having him move into her house. She wanted to make sure that he had a roof over his head, a bed, etc. The problem was, he continued to drink/use, and figured he didn't need to work because mom took care of all of his needs (room/shelter), then he began to use all of the money dad left my mother when he died.
Then my brother began to abuse my mother. I never saw a woman so paralyzed with fear.
My mother attempted suicide to get away from my brother. That was in 1987 - and she's been in a nursing home ever since. My brother ended up living in the projects. He never got a job. Since the alcohol and drugs ruined his body - he became eligible for Disability payments through Social Security.
My brother never went out - wouldn't even go to the grocery store. His best friend ended up taking care of my brother. He would buy him groceries and had the disability check sent to him so he could pay my brother's bills and then put the rest in a bank account. This continued from 1987 to this year. This year my brother was admitted into a nursing home. All of the years of drug/alcohol abuse caused his brain and body to deteriorate.
It's been hard for me to watch my brother kill himself slowly over the years. I know it hurt my mother worse.
I was angry that my parents always rescued my brother. I had always thought that if he was forced to take care of himself - things might have been different. I'll never know.
I don't think you're a bitch. I think that what you're doing is really hard - but I also believe it's the right thing for your son.
I know your pain. Our son came home to his apt drunk filled with a handful of drugs wanting to end his life just about 3 yrs ago. His wife called 911, he wanted to die too. It was his suicide attempt that was the changing point in his life. They took him to ER, they pumped him full of charcoal and yes, they professionals knew this kid was in trouble. He was kept there for a few days then sent to an insane asylum because he had lost his job that night. So he had no health insurance at that point he was considered a ward of the state. It was totally out of our jurisdiction. Those were some of the most painful and trying days of my life. He hit his "bottom" he had to reach out for help. He was court ordered to attend meetings, lost his drivers license, his apt just about lost his wife and two kids too. Praise his HP, he reached out to another A in AA to be his sponsor. He's been sober now for more then 3 yrs as I said.
Honey, this too shall pass. Know that I understand. Know it can only get better. Know that you need alot of tender loving care right now. You are so brave. It is going to get better for you. It can get better for him. Stay brave, send up all the prayers you care to, then know you've handed it over to someone far more qualified to deal with this.
It's so hard nurturing and caring for their every need then suddenly, or so it felt to me I was reminded that my only goal on earth was to make sure they would be alright without me one day. I had to let go with love and let them, (2 sons) grow up. It wasn't my choice they did it the hard way.
I know there aren't words to express what mothers of A's live through. Yet, I softly smile and tell myself that one day, somewhere there must be a very lovely special cloud for mother's who have been strong enough to survive this pain.
Your sending your son a message that tells him, I have nothing left within me to continue to be hurt like this. I love you enough to let you grow, so you can be a healthy responsible man one day.
To let go does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else. To let go is not to cut myself off, it's the realization I can't control another. To let go is not to enable, but allow learning from natural consequences. To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands. To let go is not to try to change or blame another, it's to make the most of myself. To let go is not to care for, but to care about. To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive. To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being. To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their destinies. To let go is not to be protective, it's to permit another to face reality. To let go is not to deny, but to accept. To let go is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them. To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it. To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be. To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more Remember: The time to love is short
It is part of being human. I will keep your family in my prayers. 