The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
OK, so I decided I want a divorce and I had been making plans based around the fact that the A is all alone here with no one and he will want to be with the kids.....
I want to make my own plans but still find that tinge of guilt that I'm "leaving him out". I am leaving tomorrow to go to DC for 5 days with the kids alone and very excited!!
I made plans to go to FLA in Dec right after xmas and have a grandmother in Alabama who has never met my kids. I have 11 days off in a row. I am thinking about going to Alabama for xmas and then driving to Orlando to stay in the hotel the days I have reserved them for and then home on new year's eve.
I feel like I am robbing the A of his children for xmas/thanksgiving by making my own plans that don't involve him.
For one, the courts will make sure everyone is clear on who will be where for the holidays.
For another, my sponsor and her family have invited me to their thanksgiving holiday, provided I'm willing to cook more than a meal in a bag (isn't that a wonderful gift of recovery?). But what I was actually thinking besides the family stuff with FLA and AL was there's some great nature trails and National Parks in that area. Why not get online (which I KNOW you're adept at doing, love) and look at the AL and FL state tourism board for stuff around where you and the kids will be?
Another, very,very, very,very important thing to consider is that it's okay to have "me time" and "family time" during the holidays. It would be SO important to emphasize to the kids "Okay, at this time EVERYONE needs to be at THIS place. We're doing THIS activity together. For the rest of the day, if you want to hang out with cousin X, go have fun" By allowing everyone to have their space, you're practicing your recovery principles. You're allowing kids to show you they have good judgement and can be accountable by coming back at this time. Additionnally, it will allow you to get to Al Anon meetings and keep working on you (and I KNOW AL and FL have FANTASTIC recovery).
Now, for your original question: about "Taking the kids". You're not putting them in a gunney sack and tossing them in the trunk, right? You're not holing them in a suit case? No? So they can call dad. They can see dad after the holidays. Just because they won't see dad THAT DAY doesn't mean they wont see him PERIOD. This also reinforces my suggestion that everyone have time to do THEIR OWN THING. If someone of the kids is upset about the divorce (and of course someone will be, divorce is painful), they're gonna wanna go out and be away from you. From their sibs. They're gonna need space to be mad, to cry, to throw a temper tantrum. So long as nothing illegal occurs, let them process it out--and if they do come home in a police crusier, you know what to do: live and let live. ODAAT.
Here's where my thinking goes--how old are your kids? babies (not in school?) or school age? I ask this b/c I was wondering if they are in school then how much time do they get out for the holidays? Like mine get out on the 19th of Dec. my ex will get them from that day to Christmas--now understanding that you have plans to go to AL for x-mas maybe they could still go for a day or two before you leave.??!. You might could do the same for Thanksgiving too. That might not work for you, but your hubby may not gripe if it looks like you are really trying to see he gets time with them too.
Just suggestions!!!!
I hope you can figure out a plan where both of you will be happy.
How much of the holidays would he actually "be there" with them if you didn't travel? Would he really spend quality time with them? With he be sane & sober?
These are questions probably no one could answer - planning our lives around what an A might do is what we have done before we tried recovery. It usually left us frustrated, disappointed, angry and hurt.
I think the idea of setting dates for him to see the kids before you leave & when you get back is good - then it is his choice if he wants to participate in the Holiday festivities with his kids. It will be all about him - not you. That way the kids can still have their holiday vacation with you without the burden of the responsibility of their Dad.
Remember it's ok to do nice things for you & your children - all of you deserve it!!!!!
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
