So my A came to the house today.  I don't know exactly what he expected, but I only gave what I could to admit that I was wrong, I tried not to make excuses and when I caught myself doing that I corrected myself.  He doesn't "make" me feel lonely, I feel that way.  Yes what my A does and how he acts at times affects my life but I choose how it affects my life.  I apoligized again, I explained that I am human that I made a mistake, that I and I alone was wrong, that it is I that feels ashamed, embarassed, and disappointed by my actions.  He decided it would be better if he stayed at a friends house, that is friends with both of us.  One that is non-judgemental, one that he can talk to.  His brother was to go there after work and talk to him too.  My oldest son came here to do laundry (mom's cheaper than a laundry mat, and I get to see the grandsons) and my A's sister in-law came over also.  What a great support unit I have aquired!  Two years ago I was so lonely, so isolated, before I went through counseling before finding Alanon. 

I wrote an email to a counselor I use to work with at the treatment center and tried to explain the calmness I feel.  It is strange, a burden has been lifted, I feel so relieved, so at peace.  Everything does happen for a reason, I know my HP has my best interests at heart.  I am not an dishonest person by nature, this whole email thing was eatting me alive inside and I didn't feel that feeling, I pushed it down, I made excuses, instead of telling this guy that it wasn't right and needed to stop (which I know I should have done) I just made excuses as to why I couldn't meet him or be with him, hoping he would stop pursuing me.  My HP took care of it for me.

I know I will be a better person for this experience.  I don't hate myself, I am not crying for hours on end.  I feel love and support and reassurance from those around me, telling me I made a mistake, that's what people do.  If you learn from the mistake than it is a good lesson.

Hugs Mary