The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been lurking for a little while but have not yet posted my story. This morning I have a question that maybe you guys can help me with.
Briefly...been married for 16 years. Have 3 kids S15, S11, D4. My AH seperated 8 years ago for 6 months because of his drinking. He got sober without AA or counseling. He stayed sober 8 years but turned to food. He had Gastric Bypass a year ago and lost 130 pounds in 7 months.
This triggered chemical changes which resulted in depression and with out the food...he went back to Alcohol. Because of the surgery he could drink three times as much as usual without getting sick or passing out and no hangover. It got bad fast.
We seperated in August. But remained "working on our marraige" in MC. Shortly after he came clean in how bad the drinking had become and knew he needed to stop.
He started AA and is in the early stages of recovery but has slipped twice. I am in Al-anon and we are trying to get healthy.
My question is about my S11. We sat and talked to the kids a couple weeks ago to explain daddy's illness and explain why daddy had not been around a lot. H and I agreed that he could not take the kids or drive with them for awhile and if he was drinking he was not to come over.
We explained this to the kids and told them (both of us) that this was to keep them safe and it would only be awhile and daddy was working hard to get healthy so that he can be with them again.
I thought they understood but yesterday my S11 asked me why I was punishing daddy by keeping his kids from him. This ripped my heart out. I re explained it to him but he thinks if he was home and around us...he wouldn't drink because we would be there. I explained that we can not be around him all the time and that he could drink while out somewhere and come home drunk. He said, "daddy wouldn't do that" I said, "yes, honey. He was doing that"
Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I explain this to him? He thinks this is my fault and that really hurts and it makes me really angry at my H.
I can only speak from my experience. I began taking my two oldest children (9 and 11) with me to Alanon and NA/AA meetings so that they can get answers to their questions from people not involved in our particular situation. I also had to talk with my husband and encourage him to answer the children's questions honestly, even though that was painful for him. He was able to explain about the disease of addiction and that while he means what he says when it comes out of his mouth, sometimes his disease takes over and he has trouble following through. For my husband it was vital that the children not think he was a bad person or that he was doing bad things or that they had done anything wrong. I was able to sit with him, but he did most of the talking and offered to answer any questions they may have.
Welcome to MIP, so glad that you have joined us, but hate to hear that you and your family have been affected by this awful disease.
I see that you are attending Al-Anon, does your group have an Alateen group nearby? I believe your son may be old enough to attend the Alateen meetings. If there is not one, possibly you can order him some Alateen literature through the Al-Anon/Alateen website. There is some really good info for children of A's to help them understand this disease and how it affects their parents. Sometimes, there are Alateen speaker tapes that your son could listen to that could help him understand he is not alone. If these are not options, then maybe counseling? Sometimes our children can hear it a hundred times from us, but if they hear it from someone who is not their parent it will make sense.
So glad that you are here & hope that you will keep coming back - please remember to take care of you!!
One day at a time,
Rita
__________________
No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I wish I had been able to go to Alateen. I don't know if it existed at the time or not, but I think by the time I was aware of the program, I was already an adult. I did occasionally go to Alanon meetings with my mom, but only once or twice actually participated in the meeting. And I just wasn't ready to listen. I did not relate well to other kids my own age at the time, but perhaps others who were in the same situation would have been different.
As it was, I got my information about alcoholism and my father from my mother, a little bit of AA and Alanon literature, and a psychiatrist. I saw the same psychiatrist for quite a few years, always locking horns with him. When I turned 18 and discovered alcohol for myself, I no longer needed the psychiatrist LOL....
Anyway, as you can probably tell from my posts, I'm generally the rebellious, insecure, and distrustful type. I think that's pretty common in any ACoA. Seems double trouble being an alcoholic myself, but really all of that was there before I ever took a drink of my own.
My daily struggle is to get along in the world and find some serenity and happiness, and saving my well cultivated rebelliousness for a real emergency. I used to rebel at _everything_. If my school changed the lunch hour by 5 minutes, I'd start a protest LOL... boy who cried wolf syndrome. If you were to take a time machine back to 1971... my infamous 8th grade year... you'd probably observe me a combination of Daffy Duck and Yosemite Sam. Loud, petty, self-righteous, and insecure. And head planted firmly up my butt. This is BEFORE I started drinking. Alcohol made me MUCH easier to get along with, and in sobriety I found myself sharing head space once again with Daffy and Sam. I *needed* a higher power to straighten that mess out.
So to tie this in to kids in an alcoholic home... I think two things are really important. #1 is be honest with your kids. They aren't stupid. Perhaps inexperienced. And #2, having a program like Alateen is wonderful if it's available to you. It's a safe place for the kids to talk away from their alcoholic parent AND away from their codependent parent too!
Wow.... my kids were a lot younger when I had to explain their Mom's behaviors and drinking to them..... I just kept reiterating that "Mommy was sick", and that sometimes sick people do things they wouldn't otherwise do.... I used the book "What's Drunk, Mommy?" as well, but it is probably for younger kids than your son.
Good luck
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Welcome to the board. You post really touched me. I was your son some 25 years ago. I blamed my mother for being the responsible one. I became a very angry young person. My mother however, did the right things for me - she put me in counseling and got me to Alateen (all mind you kicking & screaming). It was the greatest gift she could have given me.
Now as an adult dealing with the affects of this disease in my children as a result of their father, I can so appreciate what my mother went through.
Encourage your son to talk about his feelings. Also that assigning blame to you is not appropriate. Stand united with your husband. Above all love your son through the anger and resentments. It will be a long road and I wish you the best. Keep strong in your program. The healthier you get the healthier your family will get.
On a sidenote - my mother and I have a good relationship today. And I have thanked her for letting me make my mistakes and my own way to help me be the person I am today.
__________________
Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care. Love you all!
Karen
