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My 18mo old son's father and I are separated, and last weekend he invited me over for dinner and when I got there he was completely drunk (I posted a couple days ago about that). He has our son on the weekends and because of my concerns about his behaviour when he drinks I have a parenting order that says he is to have little or no alcohol while our son is in his care.
It turns out he says last weekend he had only had one large bottle (equivalent to 2 and 1/2 standard bottles) of beer so that fits within the limits, however he sculled it back within half an hour on an empty stomach, so by the time I got there he was swaying, slurring his words and not making sense. If he had got into a car he would have been over the limit I'm sure.
So anyway at first he lied that he was fine, that he hadn't been drinking, until I found the bottle cap in the rubbish. I just left and took the baby because I couldn't trust he hadn't really been drinking all day or that he wasn't going to continue after I left.
I have been trying to talk to him last night and tonight, explaining that I don't want him drinking when our son is with him or else I don't want our son there with him over night.
He keeps saying that he thinks it's okay for him to have a few, that he can handle it, that he thinks I am threatening him. Basically not respecting my concerns and wishes for our son's safety. I spoke to someone on an alcohol and drug helpline and they suggested getting in touch with a lawyer tommorow. Those are my feelings, but I'm afraid that this will start an all out battle.
My ex seems to be in soo much denial that I have no doubts he would lie to a court that he has a problem. I have some proof, but to be honest I'm kind of afraid of a person who can convince themselves like that.
My worst fear is that he will be so determined not to look bad or admit a problem that he would try to make me look bad or make things up to the social services here called CYFS (child, youth and family services). In this country they have a reputation for not having much concern for the parents and only the children and our son could get taken away!
We have already gone before them when my son was only 6 months old and it was the worst time of my life. It was because my ex and I would argue when he was drinking and it would get physical and the police had been called on 3 occaisions. One time when he was drunk and we got into a fight he took off his t-shirt and wrapped it around my neck and held me down on the couch. Then he told the police that he did it 'out of self defense'.. Everytime I called the police he had been drinking. I have to admit that before learning about Al Anon I used to get very angry at him when he was drunk, and the worst I ever did was go to splash the drink out of his hand and he dropped the glass and it smashed on the floor while our son was sleeping and he called the police on me (he was drunk). However neither of us have ever been violent towards our son.
I've been losing sleep over this. It's easy for me to walk away from my ex, but to take my son and protect him too will be a battle.
I also feel scared because my current lawyer doesn't get the seriousness of it and said to me 'lots of parents have a few drinks when the children are in bed, and young guys they drink when they go to parties, what can you do?'
I don't know what state you live in, but you need to make yourself very very educated about what power social services have. It sounds as if your organization is pretty powerful. All those police calls are public record, I assume. That is proof of something both ways since both of your initated calls. As far as the legal advice, your lawyer doesn't sound like a good choice for your situation. Do you have family who can give you some support? Please realize that you are in a precarious situation where your baby is concerned and the sooner you educate youself the better.
Hi NZ... I've been reading your posts this morning. If your attorney thinks there's nothing wrong with what your A husband is doing, maybe it's time to find a different attorney! It sounds like you are a good, conscientious mother, just looking out for the best interest of your child. I can't imagine a court not able to see that.
Artygirl.
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Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.
I just went through this last year with social services, youth protection, lawyers. Youth protection didnt believe me. My ex is a good talker he is not even an alcoholic however his father is and they have been really mean to my children and i took action, all i wanted was therapy for my kids and the kids doctor told me all the therapy in the world wouldnt do anything unless this behaviour is stopped. My ex took his parents side and called our kids liars. I was told to keep fighting lawyers didnt work, they didnt think it was a big deal they thought it more of a war between exes and custody. So i lost the court case after a year and lawyers didnt answer my calls after that. I then called youth protection and did a signal on ex and they went to investigate after the 4th call and they didnt believe me either. Youth protection even spoke to the kids however my ex got to them first and told them to make sure they dont get daddy in trouble. I did loose all i tryed for the year however my ex and his parents are more careful with my kids and i wouldnt hesitate to fight again. If i had better speaking skills i am sure i would of won.
Keep logs of alll the things he does in your sons presence. Stay calm when you are talking to social services or child services very very calm. It is a huge fight to protect our kids. IT makes me sick to think that the system doesnt care.
Hang in there and know that good will come out of it. This is happening for a reason. I felt like i wasted a year of my life fighting for nothing. However it wasnt for nothing and i do not regret it. I would do the same again. There is hope, keep your chin up.
kerry
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Life can only be understood backwards, But it must be lived forwards
Amazing how our higher power works. First time on this site and I went right to your post. I have been through all of this. Let me validate your feelings. It is very scary but I am so glad to see you are taking it seriously. I took it seriously. I fired two lawyers before finding a female lawyer that immediately got supervised visitation implemented within hours for my 3 year old son. My ex, my alcoholic, addict, you name it had been calling prostitutes while using and alone with my son (then 2 years old) at our condo at the beach. I checked his phone records and cross-referenced the numbers - called them, etc. I did much research before letting him know what was happening. I didn't want him hiding his behavior and quite frankly, the poor guy was sloppy with his behavior. YOU NEED PROOF for this! You are right, lawyers will minimize the severity - they do not understand addiction!!! I then had to fire the female lawyer and interviewed several more. I hired the most feared lawyer in the county. I did my homework thoroughly - it treated like a part time job. I had to continually educate my lawyer on addiction - so sad, no one gets it (I have been in Alanon for 12 years). I spent alot of money although would not have needed to had my ex agreed to my suggestion. In the end, he had 1.5 years of supervised visitation with my son and now is required to take polygraph tests every 6 months pertaining only to his behavior when he is with my son. I feel reletively good about the outcome and have had to turn the rest over to my higher power. This was the biggest growth period of my life as we would do anything to keep our babies safe - work your program!! Pray, meditate on your actions. You can do this. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
We have already gone before them when my son was only 6 months old and it was the worst time of my life. It was because my ex and I would argue when he was drinking and it would get physical and the police had been called on 3 occaisions. One time when he was drunk and we got into a fight he took off his t-shirt and wrapped it around my neck and held me down on the couch. Then he told the police that he did it 'out of self defense'.. Everytime I called the police he had been drinking. I have to admit that before learning about Al Anon I used to get very angry at him when he was drunk, and the worst I ever did was go to splash the drink out of his hand and he dropped the glass and it smashed on the floor while our son was sleeping and he called the police on me (he was drunk). However neither of us have ever been violent towards our son.
Question: When your husband told the police that he wrapped the t-shirt around your neck and held you down in self-defense, did the police believe him? OR - do you have a record of your husband's violence?
Have you contacted a local battered women's shelter in your area? If not, they should be able to provide you with names of lawyers who work specifically with women who have been treated with violence.
I also believe that if you contact Social Services first - and let them know that you are concerned about your child's safety during visitations, that they may be able to offer you advice on how to proceed in the state where you live.
The most important thing is your child's safety - and running a close second to that is your own safety.
Another avenue that may help is talking with an individual counselor or therapist. This person would provide you with an understanding of what is and isn't violent - and can also be a great help if you don't have family that are able to help you out nearby.
For all other emotional support - we're here - and please, if you're not already attending f2f Alanon meetings, please get with a local group.
Is it possible to get a new lawyer? One that understands addiction? I have just taken my 11 year old son away from his father after he has lived with him for three months for the same types of concerns. I don't want to have to go through a court battle and there are things he could certainly say about my parenting. I have to do what is best for my chidlren even if it makes things uncomfortable for a while. I also have to understand that of course an alcoholic/addict is going to deny they have a problem and think they can control things...that is the nature of addiction. What I wished more professionals realized when they try to limit an alcoholic's drinking is that the nature of addiction says they cannot stop at just one. Once they have one or two their inhibitions are lowered their judgement is even more off than usual and they justify "Just one more" I am sorry for what you are going through, but you will make it through this. Keep focusing on you and your son. I try not to take it personally when my husband lies, that too is the nature of addiction and a symptom of their disease. It often takes addicts several years of recovery to be willing to get honest.
Although I am sure you don't really want to do this...is it possible for you to stay over at his place during those visitations? Would he be willing to come to your place for visits?
Thank God my A son accepts the fact that he must visit his children while they are with me and my husband. He has never put them in harms way but you just don't ever know. They live about an hour and 1/2 from us and there is no way to know if he has been drinking before he picks them up. So...everyone is in agreement with the way things are going along.
I hope you can find some resolve to this problem because as always....the children are the most important thing and we must take care of them by doing whatever we have to do.
