The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last night a revelation hit me at my f2f meeting. It started as a discussion about starting your day over however many times you needed to but then from that I got to thinking about my relationships with different people. The A of course but not just him various others like my 12 year old daughter, my mother and father, etc. The thing I realized is that we have different ways of being with each of those people. And they in turn have different ways of reacting to us. When we first moved to NC I thought it was cute the way everyone said honey and sugar and sweetie so I started doing it to my kids (I normally talk meaner to them) and my 12 year old daughter resisted it and would always say quit talking like that! It's not just that it's hard to change the way you relate to someone else, but it's also that they fight it because it's different. Even if it's better! Like my daughter, she fought me talking nice to her in favor of yelling and being mean. So I have decided I have to fight that pull and talk nicely anyway. Same goes with my A. He left Sat afternoon and then I called him all day Sat and Sun w/ no answer and started spinning off into my usual crap. Then he called mon morn. and I decided I wasn't going to answer the phone and he finally caught me at work. Last night he called over and over and tried to IM me and on and on and I did not answer and finally this morning I listened to the 5 messages and he was frantic and angry basically all the things I feel when I can't reach him. And I said I was just busy. Honestly I just didn't feel like talking to him and giving him his daily comfort (I'm right there with ya Dru). He was leaving messages about driving to my house and something must be wrong... BECAUSE I AM ALWAYS AVAILABLE Unlike him! So I'm gonna stop being because I don't want to be seen as a given, always available.
I guess that's just part of our disease, feeling like we have to be available to them -- and then expecting the same from our A's.
I had to laugh about all the phone calls, recently I lost my cell phone. That was fun, I really didn't realize how he uses it to keep up w/ me. He called everyone in my family and some on their work phones trying to figure out where I was. My Caller ID log had so many repeated calls from him, all w/in 5-10 min. I thought that is too weird. I wasn't even trying to avoid him -- it was just that he didn't know where I was and it bothered him.
Hmmmm, guess I've got to start being "realisticly" available, not 24/7. Nice eye opener for me. Thanks.
Melody Beattie says in TLoLG part II that we wear different hats in each of our relationships. Just like each career has a different set of vocabulary, so each side of ourselves has a different set of our personality. Being a mom has a side; being an employee has a side; being a sponsor has a side; et cetera, et cetera. It doesn't mean we're lying to ourselves or anyone else, she emphasizes, but it makes it incredibly important that we know who we are, how we define ourselves, and that we practice "this above all, to thine own self be true."
I agree with her. Just as you observed how you tend to be harder on your 12 y.o, feel more lonely for your partner, what happens for me is that I need different things in different relationships. I can't always define these things, and the steps make a huge difference here. Doing inventories, getting to know myself, getting comfortable with myself, and being willing to take risks to build my relationship with myself are crucial to learning about the different parts of myself. When all I do is excercise a relationship to myself that I know about, all I'm really doing is saying and sharing what I know. And when all I do is talk, I do no walk.
True story: I did a sculpture in 8th grade called "the many faces of man." the teacher threw it out. Some of us aren't ready to look at the fact that we are different to different people. Being willing to look at ourselves and our motivations in these contexts can garentee maturity and growth.
hello Carolina , can relate to the struggle with kids not accepting your new attitde , my kids were the only reason I stayed in Al-Anon in the beginning cause like you I was a screamer and not always a good mom or available to them casue I was so wrapped up in fixing the A * who by the way didn't want to be fixed" go figure.
I started to hug my kids and they fought it all the way but I persevered and chased them around the house til I cornered them and hugged them anyway , we usually ended up one the floor laughing . but I persevered and eventually they huged me back .
If I use the principles of this program all of my relationships improve and they will for you too .
I LOVE the fact that you have begun to change the way you relate to your kids. Of course they resist but it is so important, they will remember the LOVE more than the meanness. I was the same way to my kids growing up, I was such a disciplinarian and feel horrible now that I didn't give them more hugs, more love and really listen to them instead of dictate what they should be doing. Now that they are grown I am trying to correct that, (after making amends to them for being horrible) - and try to love and listen as much as I can. Good for you! It makes everything better, even though they may resist because they aren't used to you being that way!!!
As for not wanting to answer the phone, totally understand that. Yesterday I just did not want to talk to AH - did not answer all day. He was so irked. I just told him when he got home that I didn't feel like talking. I don't today either. Sometimes we really need space from them. It is a change though for me because I always wanted to call him constantly. Through detachment the tables have turned. I don't find I will die if I don't talk to him 2 or more times per day.
Good luck and love in your recovery!!! You sound good!
