To my mind, enabling doesn't really enter into this situation. You were unhappy with something, and refused to put up with it. Good for you. Probably could have left as soon as you saw the signs of him being drunk, and saved yourself some trouble - it's not like making him admit it changed anything.

Mostly, I think of enabling as doing things that soften the impact of an A's choices - babying him when he has a hangover, lying for him, doing things for him that he should be doing for himself. As long as it's YOU who pays most of the price of his drinking, he can go on drinking in comfort.

Detachment is something I use to stop from having unrealistic expectations - so that when he behaves the way an A behaves - drinks, lies, blames - I am not shocked, hurt and betrayed. I expect him to act like an A, and make my choices based on that.

What you did there was set and keep a boundary. You said you would not stay around if he was drunk, and you didn't. You didn't try to change his actions, instead you changed yours. That is how this program works, give yourself a hand. If he doesn't like it, he has the choice of not being drunk next time you come over.

Base your actions on what you want, and what is in your and your baby's best interests. If you don't want to talk to him, don't. The reason we say "don't nag" is not out of any 'touchy feely' sensitivity, it's because it doesn't work, it's a waste of breath. It keeps you tied up in his drinking which is not where you want to be. Whether he drinks or not is not your business, it's his. What is yours, is what you will and will not put up with. If you don't want to spend an evening sitting and trying to talk to a drunk, you don't have to. I certainly don't blame you.

No, you didn't enable him, and, if it were me, I would have turned and walked away as soon as I knew he was drunk. It's a boundary - it's not enabling him.

Pat yourself on the back for leaving - even if it was after an hour. Standing up for yourself is difficult - and it sounds like you handled it well.

I was given this explanation of what letting go is when I asked about detachment.  I hope this helps:

To "let go" does not mean to stop caring.
It means I can't do it for someone else.

To "let go" is not to cut myself off.
It's the realization that I can't control another.

To "let go" is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome in not in my hands.

To "let go" is not to to try to change or blame another.
It's to make the most of myself.
To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.

To "let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To "let go" is not to judge but to allow another
to be a human being.

To "let go" is not to be in the middle,
arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.
To "let go" is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings
and correct them.

To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.

To "let go" is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
To "let go" is to fear less and love more.

Thank you for all your thoughts, I appreciate the support.

I think I mistook detachment to mean pretending that you don't notice they are drunk in order for events to take their natural course (them passing out or making a fool of themselves).  I thought leaving might give him the chance to think I'm the problem, that I ruined dinner or was over-reacting.

He still hasn't called me.. guess I shouldn't hold my breath for an apology (sigh..)

Chat room is open 24/7 there here the link to www.mipchat.net or http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html 

Here are some things that have helped me since in the program.

• Go face to face meeting & online meeting.


• post on the board here on the site. I have gotten a lot of good feed back.

·        In this program u learn that u have choices. In Alanon we don’t give advice but only suggestions.

·        Set support system.  people do not judge. You need someone who can go for coffee on a bad day, or pick up a phone and call when in trouble. The support is what is important when you first this program.

• Have a sponsor. Someone work one on one with you.

You don’t have to do this the minute u come to the program but I suggest that u do it when u can. It help.

 

Meeting schedule: meetings are in here and run approximately 90 minutes from: Monday-Friday, 9 am and 9 pm EST, Saturday: 10 am and 9 pm EST, Sunday: 10 am and 7 pm EST. Topics are selected by participants at meeting time. UK +5 hours, central -1 hour, mountain -2 hours, pacific -3 hours. Open chat all other times.