The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Oct. 26, I had a good day. Had my appt with my C.H.A.D. counselor (Confidential help for alcohol & drugs it is an agency that offers professional outpatient counseling for addicts and thier families)
Then went to work for 1/2 a night, left @ 7pm, went to my f2f meeting. Then came home. Now usually he is home asleep by this time because he had been doing an early morning run, like 2am! And this was 10pm. He did have the next day off.
No, he wasn't here, his truck wasn't here, he was still next door, still drinking!
I got angry, had a few words with him!!! I came in, got online chatted for a while here, thank God for alanon! Ate my dinner that I didn't get to eat, had ice cream with my little cat, Sassy! Went to bed.
The next day, we had a talk, about alcoholism, not a yelling, screaming, accusing talk, just an informational talk. I talked to him about the health problems he can possibly face, that kind if stuff, about the history of alcoholism in his family.
He says he can quit anytime. Wrong thing to tell me. lol. I said ok if it's so easy let's see you quit for a week. Then he said, oh that'll be easy, I have the week from hell at work. Wrong again, I said ok, then make it 2 weeks.
Well, he hasn't had a beer, the 2 weeks is up this Friday. I also told him he should try C.H.A.D. so, this Friday I have an appt he is going with me to fill out the paperwork to get himself started. He couldn't go before because of work, now he is laid off for the winter, so I said perfect time to go.
So, we will see. He has been doing suprisingly well. I don't know 100% if he has had a beer or not, he says he hasn't so I believe him. I don't know what will become of this. I did tell him that I am very proud of him & that he is doing excellent. He makes on like it is no big deal, but to me it is.
This will be really hard because his best drinking buddy lives next door. We live in the country, & they are the closest neighbors, and A's.So, it is going to be hard for him to not drink when he goes over there. And he will NOT give up the friendship.
All I can do is take it one day at a time. If he starts again, then he does. I still have MY life to live. I have made friends with some people on our road. She just got a horse!!!! so we are planning on riding together!!!
I have my other "horsie" friends, we all go riding when we can. Then I have my alanon friends who I enjoy doing things with, my girlfriends from work I go shopping with, and my furbabies!
I feel I have a full life with or without him. It is nice to have him in it. I enjoy things with him also. It took me years to get to this point. Thanks to alanon which had taught me to take care of me!!! I no longer NEED him to quit drinking to have a good life, that would be a wonderful result, but no longer is it the ONLY answer.
Yes, I challenged him to quit for 2 weeks, but darn it he was so smug about it. lol. That is just my way, I guess, don't sit there and tell me oh, I can do this & I can do that, then not do it?! I say, ok, it's so easy, then do it!!!!
I am not however feeling like it is the end of the world if & when he picks up another beer. I think a few years ago I would have looked for empties, checked his garage, now I am trusting him at his word, something I couldn't have done a few years ago. So, this little challenge has been a good exercise for me too!!!!
Thank you all for being here for me,for being supportive, for loving me, for being a friend!!!
There's a slogan, unofficial one, that I don't hear very much, about people who are brand brand new in recovery and such. It's a bit harsh but it's pretty applicable: "If you're gonna take responsibility for his recovery, be sure to take responsibility for his relapse."
Initially, it was for those who were starting out in sponsorship. But it was also extended out to parents and spouses of the newly sober. It's pretty self explanitory. And, when I heard it, I thought "Ouch!" but then I started to watch in AA how many people would get 24 hour; 30 day; 60 day chips. I mean, they just get handed out like candy. The reality, painful as it is, is that there needs to be a deep sense of despiration for someone to GET sober and an even more desprate sense of living to STAY sober.
The other one I thought of was from an old timer in AA: "You take a drunk horse thief through AA's 12 steps, you still have a horse theif. He just goes to AA now." Nothing changes because someone gets sober. The willingess, awareness, and degree of honesty are completely dependent on the individual.
I know what you are saying. I didn't mean for this to be my way of taking responsibilty for his sobriety, I just got tired of him saying it is so easy to not drink. I say same to people who smoke & say, "Oh I can quit anytime, I can quit tomorrow." I just say then do it!
I was a very heavy smoker. I tried & tried to quit. I also said, oh it's easy, I can quit anytime. and I did, I tried. Several attempts failed. Then when I was ready, for me only, I quit.
I know is the same for him. He will not be able to quit unless he is ready. His recovery is his alone. I guess I just was feeling like a wise a$$ that day. lol. So I siad then quit for a week. I would never say then quit for good, because that is not realistic. When I quit smoking, in 1991, I didn't have a program, but I knew enough from how I felt & from a little general knowledge of addictions that I couldn't tell myself I was NEVER going to smoke again.
He is doing good, I can't say if he will actually quit or not. I only know that right now, today things are going along ok. Tomorrow maybe not so, but I don't feel the need to worry about that. Odd thing for me to be able to say & believe because I was a huge "worry wart." lol.
I have goals & plans for myself!!!!! They can include him or not. Just because we are married doesn't mean we have to spend ALL our time together, my God, I'ld kill him.lol. One thing that attracted me to him was that he is NOT a controlling person. I dated guys like that had to know my every single blessed move, drove me nuts!!! I don't do that with him either.
We have our time, but we also have our own time for things we like to do with our friends. I enjoy the days when he is working & I am off, I have my "alone" time. That is what we all need to keep ourselves focused. I actually love to be alone!!!!!!!
So, I think I will be ok with whatever decision he makes, it is just that HIS!!!!!! Recovery is not the cure all for the problems. But, mine has helped me live my life. I don't know where I would be without alanon.
Thank you for responding, Thank you for caring about me!!!! I am doing ok. I have enough to keep me busy & out of trouble. lol. My horses, cats & dogs take up a lot of my time. But I wouldn't have it any other way!!!!!!
Debbie
p.s. I learned last night @ my f2f Monday night meeting that one of the ladies does cat rescue along with her hubby, he is manager of the adoption center @ the Petsmart store! How wonderful!!!!! I may consider being a foster "mom" to a kitten. You just keep it til it's old enough to get spayed/neutered & then it goes to Petsmart to get adopted out. They have a very careful screening process.
