The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Trouble and turmoil always happen to me on Saturday or Sunday. Today was no exception. My personal calendar is full of the letter "T" on many many dates....a symbol of problems with my son. I am trying so hard to detach with love. I have set boundaries which he does not respect. I have repeatedly told him not to call me with his litany of grievances again his job, his ex, his living situation, his co-workers, the whole entire world at large. He is unhappy and depressed and medicates with booze. He came here this morning reeking but not drunk, I guess. Hard for me to say since I have rarely ever seen him drunk. I only got the messages about it second-hand from my ex-DIL. Anyway, someone hit and run on his vehicle last night while it was parked in his driveway. The damage was sort of minor in my opinion, but he is furious and says he cannot turn it in to insurance because of another major claim (a rollover total his ex had two years ago). They were still married then, he was not driving or in the car, but he was the major policy holder. So he was venting and ranting about his luck or lack thereof. He has successfully ruined another weekend for me. Yes, I know this only happens if you "allow it" but what can a mother and father do when one's only child shows up?? We confronted the alcohol we detected, told him to go home, which he did. He has called back once still angry and still blaming his ex because he has no garage anymore and she caused this problem in his life. I told him I would not discuss that with him, he could not blame that on anyone but himself, and that I was sorry he had suffered this incident. He told me "you are all I have....I have no one else to talk to..." I told him I understood that as I have no one else besides his father to talk to either, but there was no logic in continuing the conversation he wanted to have. He hung up on me. Yes, turmoil and a day of tears and grief once more. I vowed a few weeks ago to not post on here again since my problems just didn't seem as serious and unmanageable as others here have. But you have to have somewhere to unload your feelings. My husband and I only make ourselves worse trying to discuss it between us......he just sort of clams up and I just explode. Not a good combination. Thanks for listening.
i hear your pain. i woke feeling pretty hopeless and confused also. i am going to a alanon meeting in an hour, taking a long walk afterwards, and making a big pot of spaghetti. i need a day off, to take care of myself. can you do the same? kabbie
I feel the pain in your post and I am glad we do have this place to vent. Please do not avoid posting here because you feel your problems are different. Pain is pain!!! Of course some situations seem the same but we are all in pain whatever our situations are.
As a mother of 7, I can certainly relate. Actually, I need to clarify that. I had 4 kids, hubby has 2, and I am raising a grandaughter I have had since a baby. Essentially they are all grown, since this grandaughter will be 18 in Jan. and is a Sr this year. No matter how many kids we have the pain is the same.
I got a call this morning from the person my oldest son (36) lives with. He said my son was gone with his (friends) truck. My son is diagnosed with bipolar/shizo and self medicates with drugs and alcohol. It breaks my heart, and I am sad. He did show back up ... this time. But this is an ongoing thing and I still feel the pain and sadness and frustration. However, painful as it is, I accept I can't change it. My son is the same. He blames everything on his ex wife and even me .. no acceptance of personal responsibility. However, the truth is I believe he does inside feel allt he guilt, blame, and shame and this is how he handles it.
Please try to do something nice for yourself today! You are family!
Please, please don't try to "spare us" your pain and venting - that is what this board (and alanon) are for. Your feelings matter, and there is no reason to compare them to someone else's - there is no hierarchy of pain here.
You're right , often it is best not to discuss things with other people closely involved - they do not have the necessary detachment. Here, we care about you, but nothing you can say will hurt us, so it's safe. Use the board all you need to, and if at all possible, get to a face to face alanon meeting - you cannot believe the relief that comes from saying some of this stuff out loud to another human being.
Hi... I hope you keep posting, cuz your problems are every bit as serious and important as any of the rest of us..... they are keeping you from leading a healthy and serene life, which is what we are all truly striving for....
Reading through your post, I continue to be amazed at how the alcoholics, in this case your son, continue to blame anyone and everyone, aside from themselves, for their addictions and problems. I went to an AA/Al-Anon rally with my A many years ago, and a wonderful AA speaker opened by stating to the crowd..... "I have a secret..... I can solve all your problems around alcohol and alcoholism... so listen closely......." Then, with a big smile on his face, he simply said "if you don't drink, you can't get drunk". I loved it.... Simple and profound. Of course there is a lot more to this disease than just that, but that is where it has to start.... and those in AA "get it".
You are worthy of being here. Please keep coming back.
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Never stop posting and venting here. This is the safest place you can do it. It's cathartic and healthy for you. That's the beauty of this board.
As for your weekends, any chance you can have a "Plan B" ready for when he shows up? Gee your Dad and I were just leaving? Or something like that. It may sound terrible having an "exit strategy" for when your own son comes over. But on the other hand, it may safe you alot of angst in the long run.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Please don't feel that your problems need be larger or as large as everyone elses. Someone is always going to have it worse or better.
Me? I have it better then you. My husband found sobriety almost 9 mo ago. Will I ever think I don't need this program? NO WAY!! We all know that if you have an alcoholic in your life, they cause problems. We come here to learn to heal ourselves and better deal with what alcohlism puts before us. Alcoholism IS unmanagable but our lives don't have to be. It sounds like (unfortunately) your life is just as messed up as everyone's here. I guess that makes you one of us whether you like it or not :) So now you have to hang with us!
Keep coming back ((omajay))
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Thank you to all who replied to my post yesterday. Your thoughts gave me strength. It was a very bad day. My son called several times but mostly it was to ask if I had heard from his ex. He is so distraught over her "dumping" him (his term). On a positive note, he did get his insurance company's OK to have his car fixed and that is being done this week. He said he would rent a car for the interim. Good thing...his father said he will not lend the son his car again because he gave evidence of drinking and driving yesterday....a new observtion for us.
My ex-DIL stopped in late afternoon yesterday bringing us some gourmet breads. She and the grandbaby...I wish I could accept her relationship with us as being loving and all. My paranoid mind always asks " is she being nice to us because we keep the baby"?? "will she decide suddenly to take the baby from us"?? I hate myself for the turmoil in my mind. I love this woman as my own, but I do feel terrible resentment lots of times as I think she did not try long enough with my son. If you don't remember, they were married only 4 years and the problem with the drinking came following my son's severe head injury two years ago (motorcycle and not drinking/driving involved). She is a tough modern woman who has no problems taking care of herself at all. She does not need a man in her life financially. Emotionally I don't know. I am sure she hurts and I am sure it is very very hard to be a single mother. But she has us...my husband and I are just around the corner and we step in everytime she asks us for help. My son is willing and able to help her with thiings around the house, etc. but she won't permit it. So sometimes I see her behavior as exacting the last drop of punishment she can muster. There are too many mixed messages from her and it leaves my son hopeful that she will take him back. So just handling this up and down relationship between the two of them, seeing our part in it, just keeps me nuts.
And I have a question. Did any of you come from a primary family background where no one drank, lived in a dry county in the south where religion was the strongest thing, where drinking was considered a major sin which would send you straight to hell? I never had a drop of alcohol nor did I know a thing about drinking until I went to college. One bad experiment there and I never drank again. Married a wonderful guy who drinks socially, never a problem. But the childhood training/raising is difficult. How did I get a son with a drinking problem? Is it genetic? Whose side of the family? Where does it come from? Is it a character flaw as my parents and relatives believe? I remember from early childhood hearing comments about acquaintances of the family who were described as "just an old drunk...doesn't care about a thing" etc. etc. Perhaps this is why I find dealing with our current situation so difficult. Well, this is too long but I am up early and thinking too much, dreaming too much all night long, interrupted sleep, all that stuff. Turmoil is always present. But I thank y'all for telling me it is OK to keep posting regardless of whether my situation seems as bad as others. I didn't mean to judge. Just don't want to come across as a whiney person who takes up space and time.
