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I knew this was going to be a tough day, but I really am having a hard time. He just came out of a 28 day program, and is really freaking out about being on his own. He went out to a meeting a few minutes ago, but really couldn't calm down until he left. I don't know if he doubts his willpower, or if it is totally normal. I mean, I expect that it is extremely hard, but I just don't really know how to handle it. I also feel like he doesn't know how to talk fully about how he's feeling with me. He says he knows he doesn't deserve my trust right now, and asked if I wanted to drive him to the meeting. I let him drive himself, because I do believe that's the only place he wants to go right now. any advice from anyone who's dealt with "first day back from rehab"?
The best thing we can do, is take care of ourselves. Don't allow what he is going thru to upset you. If you do, he will feel guilty and it makes things harder.
He needs to know you are strong and he can work on himself. He has to figure this all out. We cannot do anything, it is totally up to them.
I think if my A asked me to take him to a meeting I would say yes sure. He may need me to do so.
It is totally their thing, their recovery. I would not ask any questions. I would just love him.
If he asks you questions, just answer honestly. Do not walk on eggshells.
When the A uses, they don't go thru natural grieving processes, or feel out anything that has gone on around them. So they do not grow emotionally.
I thought about that once, how my A has been using thru many deaths of loved ones and so many other horrible things. So when he got sober he was a mess. They all of a sudden are hit with ALL the losses at once, all the guilt at once. Can you imagine?? Man.
But don't baby them. It is totally up to them to go thru it and grow. If we baby them or make it easy we are actually hurting them. They need to mature and grow.
They usually do not know what they need or want. They don't know where they belong. All they know is they need AA to help them get some sanity. Or they go right back to using.
Anyway big hug, keep coming back. love,debilyn who is very grateful he is doing his best to be on his program of recovery. and grateful you found us. love,debilyn
I am sitting here thinking about all of the things that I wish someone had told me when my AH came home a little over 18 months ago...
I didn't realize that when he came home, he was what some refer to as "stark raving sober." He was sober, but he still acted like an active A--lying to avoid confrontation, manipulating conversations and turning it all back on me if he didn't want to deal with the issue, etc. It wasn't until he got a sponsor and started working a real program that those character defects began to change.
My AH told me that the hardest part of early recovery was learning how to live life sober-without his best friend, the alcohol. Rehab gave him the tools for recovery, but it was up to him to use them.
My counselor told me that it takes about 6 months for newly sober A to start to feel true emotions and that then they have trouble identifying them and dealing with them. It then takes about 20 months for the brain to "dry out." I really noticed a change in my sober AH's thinking process at about 9 months.
When my AH came home, I expected some effort on his part to make up for all the suffering that had occurred--even though I had read the Big Book and knew not to expect that from him at that time. His goal was (and is) to stay sober and that takes priority over everything else. If the A works a real program of recovery, the amends will come in time as he/she works the Steps.
I guess the most important thing I learned (the hard way) was that I had to change too--I had to work my own program to learn the role that I played in the unhealthy aspects of our relationship if we were to have any chance of starting over and living a sober life together. In our case, we had to separate for recovery to really take root and it has been a real time for healing and growth for both of us.
I wish you the best during this time. Remember that you have no control over his recovery just as you had no control over his addiction. Take care of you, keep your side of the street clean and trust the process of recovery--it works if you work it!!
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
My counselor told me that it takes about 6 months for newly sober A to start to feel true emotions and that then they have trouble identifying them and dealing with them. It then takes about 20 months for the brain to "dry out." I really noticed a change in my sober AH's thinking process at about 9 months.
I realize statistics are very general and every individual is unique, but those numbers make a certain sense to me. When I look back on my early sobriety, it's very difficult for me to separate what my emotions were doing, versus what was happening around me. I tend to look at any given stretch of time in terms of what things I did, what happened, etc, not in terms of my feelings.
In my first two weeks of sobriety, I had a feeling I was stepping into uncharted waters. I didn't know if I would stay sober long, I was just morbidly curious about what would happen if I didn't drink.
After that, I had a resurgence of my usual, almost childish -isms, and by talking about them, I got straightened out. It was my first education that those isms are part of the disease of alcoholism... not, as I wanted to believe, a special unique disease for which alcohol was the only treatment.
At three months, I had kind of a euphoria that I was on to something. I really did feel like a kid again, but instead of hating it (as I did when I *was* a kid), I welcomed it. It was like finding part of me I thought was lost forever.
At maybe 6 months, the notion began to stick with me that I _wanted_ to keep going.
When I got past 1 year, stuff happened and I had a lot of anger. I probably bitched and moaned more that time than any other period in my sobriety. But I processed it, I bitched and moaned in meetings, at my sponsor... I kept going. I never wanted to drink. This part is very hard to separate out what was just part of my early emotional growth, versus the problems I perceived in my marriage.
When I got divorced, I had been sober long enough that I knew drinking wasn't an option. I guess I had grown enough that I knew what I was in for. I sure as hell didn't like it, and whever I thought I had stepped around something, it ran me down like a runaway truck. I felt it all.
I don't want to tell people who are newly sober (or their families) what they are going to go through; first of all, I DONT know what they're going to go through, just know that they're going to go through something. But I don't want to tell them everything is going to fall into place either. It doesn't. The only thing I can promise is that it's a lot of work, and it's work that doesn't end when you complete a step. But... you do get to rest once in a while. Then back to work. I had to learn to love the work - it's the only way. Sometimes when we take the next step forward, we have to leave things behind. Sometimes when we take a step, we have to leave everything behind. Everything except our tools - these we must take, because we'll need them - because there is work ahead.
Welcome to the MIP family. Here you will find great experience, hope, wisdom, strength and a bit of humor (good for the ).
I was soo right where you are 3 years ago! As others have said, it's a very common for an A to feel the way he does coming out of rehab. He was in a structured setting where he couldn't drink. And that's good. But suddenly out in "real world" it's terrifying! I would have driven him to his AA meeting, but that's me. Kind of like someone taking me to my first local f2f. It can be a daunting thing. But I also understand where you are coming from, making him stand on his own 2 feet. One other thing, they stress 90 meetings in 90 days, so realize that his recovery has to come first. You may feel left out, but he's doing what he needs to.
You are much further along than I was when hubby first came home from rehab. I thought I was prepared for him and his recovery. NOT! It took me another year to find alanon and for the past 2 1/2 years he has relapsed, etc. But he has now 6 months sobriety and is a totally different person than he was 3 years ago. But so am I!
Once I started on my recovery, I found my reactions to his continued drinking etc. changed. Keep in mind this: Your recovery has to about you and for you, regardless if he chooses recovery or not.Keep working on your recovery. I can't stress that enough. I learned my lesson the hard way. The dynamics of a sober relationship is different from an active relationship. I cling to my program now more than ever. Now we work on our recoveries both apart and together. We do our daily meditation readings together and talk about them. I also attend open AA meetings with him.
Please find some local Alanon meetings to go to. Or come join us for our online meetings here or join us for chat. We'd love to have you.
Love and blessings to you and your A. I hope both of your recoveries go great!
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--- the cat!
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
The day I picked my hubby up from rehab--we had to stop in town on the way out so he could go to a meeting. He was so shaky. He was at a rehab that was 8 hrs away from our home and he couldn't make it out of the town w/o a meeting. He was a nervous wreck all the way home. For the first week, my dad drove him around to meetings. he was just too scared to be on his own. it changes!! I saw that as a sign that he really wanted to do things right and stay sober. When he decided to start going on his own made me nervous--but we have to let go and let them and their HP handle it!
I'm glad he is back home. Good luck to both of you. You just keep working on you! Take it easy with yourself!!!
Here you will find great experience, hope, wisdom, strength and a bit of humor (good for the 
). 