The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
What concerns me right now is my 14 year old daughter. Last year she ended up in counselling due to a prank at school. It went thru the court system. She had to meet with a probation officer and was ordered counselling. She hit if off with the probation officer, but not the therapist. The therapist terminated counselling due to "the history of family silence" as well as some missed appointments.
It is only early November. So far, my daughter has gotten suspended for skipping school with her cousin. She got suspended for fighting with another girl. She is failing all her classes except for 2. And most recently, got suspended again for an incident with this same girl.
Early in the summer, I told her we would find her some one else she could talk to, someone she likes. She told me she hated counselling and that she would cry before each appointment. And I guess she convinced me she was fine.
But I know she is not fine. I talked to her pediatrician as well as school councelor about my concerns. My concern is: How do I get her to go to counselling, not how do I get her to go, but what good will it do if she goes and just doesn't participate again? And no one has really answered that question, except to say insist that she goes.
I am afraid of whatever unhealthy behaviors I've brought to the table as a mother. It was all so easy before she became a teen. I love her dearly. I just don't feel like I know her anymore. I feel so inept as a mother right now. At least to her.
My son is 15. He went thru some very rough times. He's done a complete turnaround and is doing great. I'm grateful. Plus my son is not too embarrassed to hug me or tell me he loves me. My daughter thinks I'm a dork. And seems to act as if she couldn't care less. People tell me it's typical teen behavior.
I can't control everything. Alanon has taught me that. I have to give consequences to her behavior and that is hard sometimes. Yes, it's easy for me to say "No, you can't get your nose pierced." but I'm feeling like I almost want to let her go to the movies tonight with her cousin. She should not be going anywhere as she got herself suspended. I need to say no. it is so hard parenting a teenage daughter.
I also would like to see if I could get my daughter and her cousin to check out alateen.
When her previous counselor mentioned family history of being silent- it scared me. Because I tend to stuff my feelings inside. And it's difficult to talk to a teenager. Sometimes it's like talking to a doorknob. But I keep on trying. I know she hears me, no matter what the expression is on her face.
Also, I guess I tried to buy bread at the hardware store the other night when I called my father. We chatted a couple minutes and I told him what was really on my mind. I am afraid I'm going to get a phone call saying my aunt is dead and/or my nephew. Both are problem drinker and have been in trouble.
It didn't take me long to realize my father was cocked. Him and my other aunt were drinking and laughing.
I realized those times I tried to reach out as a child and say how I really felt- no one was really there! And my mother would respond with "You shouldn't feel that way, you're just like your father, I can't believe my own daughter feels this way, you can't believe how much you've hurt me." My mother does this to this day.
I need to open up with my daughter.
No wonder I rarely open up and its no wonder it only feels safe at meetings.
Nothing has confused me more about developmental psychology than how adults view teenagers. Somehow the fact that "well, I was a teenager once" is the corporate catch phrase to understanding something/someone that science is gaspingly playing catch up with?
Fill me in
I think a family therapist might help here. Maybe a social worker. The point is, you're not completely wrong in the statement that you can't make her do anything she won't do herself. But you are correct in the statement that, to some degree or another, you do have an obligation to be the adult. Keep it up. Pray for solutions. The appear in the most bizzarre places.
Wish I had some words of wisdom. I don't. I do not have a teenager. I have a teenage neice and a daughter that is approaching this phase.
I too have been told to insist on the therapy. Take them no matter how bad they do not want to go. Sometimes, we have tried different therapists and it seems to help. Sometimes, they just may not click with one. I am very grateful my kids are willing and able to go.
My neice was like your daughter. There would be a knock down dragout fight. My sister would cave. She was just beside herself. When she asked me what I thought. I suggested she try another therapist. She did and my neice is happy to go now and seems to be getting better.
I was at a meeting one day and a lady approached me and told me we have to apply the same steps to our children that we apply to our alcoholics. She told me her personal story and it made sense to me.
It is a daily thing for me now. I have to accept the way they are. I do my best to not enable them. I have to let them fall. I realize there are going to be somethings in their lives I am powerless over. I am 100% on their side. Doesn't mean they will not be held accountable for their actions either.
It is normal to have doubts as a parent. My children's therapist taught me that. If I didn't have doubt about screwing up my kids then there is something I am not admitting to myself. As long as I am doing everything I can. Time will take care of the rest.
I certainly don't have any wisdom in this area yet. In time, I just might.
When my daughter was a teenager, she began using drugs and then began drinking. She is now 24 and has been clean and sober for 1 year.
I tried to get my daughter to go to counseling, but she hated counseling. So I went for ME. I talked about what I was feeling and going through - and I'd ask the counselor the best way to deal with my daughter.
What I would have done differently? I would have followed my counselor's suggestions on how to handle my daughter.
The world is a very different place than it was when I was a teen. So, I never tell her "I know how you feel." I also try to let her know her feelings are important.
I am going to pray for solutions and pray God/hp helps me find the right person to help my daughter. And I pray for him to show me what to do to. I will never give up on her. I love her too much.
If you believe your daughter needs counseling but refuses to go, you might consider going yourself without her. You can discuss your daughter and get help in learning how to deal with her and almost as important, you would be setting an example for your daughter who might be feeling "only crazy people go to counseling." We can all use help raising our teenagers. Good luck.
