The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I think I am onto something today.. I have just two choices...accept the fact that my husband is an alcoholic which means I will never come first and at any time he will decide not to come home, that I need to detach and not take it personal OR end the marriage. Seems so simple...I think my problem has (is) that I kept thinking there was a third option...that he was going to realize how hurtful his actions are to the family and stop drinking .....All these years I have clung to this fantasy and it has brought me nothing but pain and disappointment. I pray for strength to stay on the path of recovery and face reality...so simple so sad
Just because you accept the reality of his disease doesn't mean that you have to give up hope of the chance that one day he will find a path of recovery - Who knows what your HP has planned.
I don't know if he will ever find recovery or not, but I have learned that no matter what we, with the help of our HP, we can be Ok - even better than OK.
Try to do something good for you today,
Rita
__________________
No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Have you ever heard the saying "it's a process not an event?" Whenever we force ourselves into a solution, a reality, anything other than where we are, what we're really saying is "I refuse to be where I'm at in my process. I need to speed it up. I need to make solutions appear."
Remind you of how life was when you came here?
It is important to always remember that nothing's changed since we came here. Awareness has entered our consciousness. Rejection of awareness is commonly referred to as a "slip." Embrace the solution and trust that acceptance will come when you least expect it.
We use to call what you are understanding, "Aha's". We I use to get them my life would change for the better just like yours. Aha's are nudges that God cares. Aha's don't replace hope they bless us with wisdom and growth.
I was the queen of denial, the first year in Alanon I wasn't so sure my A was an A -- this is very funny to me now. The desire for me was that I wanted the fantasy. If he really were an A than I couldn't change him -- I wasn't really ready to give that up LOL.
Alanon suggests you give the program 6 months before making any major life changing decisions. Sometimes we find that it isn't just an either/or situation. As we change so does our perspective of the situation. Nothing fits neatly into a box, especially alcoholism.
It takes time to learn how to detatch and to learn how to get our needs met beyond the A. It is so much easier to say if the A would change than I'd be happy. What we find is that even if they do change, we still aren't happy. No one person can fulfill all our needs, and no one should put that expectation on you either.
This program is Progress not perfection. It reads easy but is hard to do. It takes time. Give yourself time. It can be an awesome journey.
That in itself is amazing progress. I am still amazed at the fact that sometimes, "Why didn't I get this before? This is really easy".
Here is the other thing Elizabeth, it would seem you are going down the right path....YOU ARE GETTING IT. Before to long, you will see all your many beautiful qualities you have, that we already see. You will see them for yourself with relative ease. I imagine you are starting to already.
Easy does it on you. You are right, the alcohol just might come first. Where the love and compassion comes in for me is, knowing that they too wish we could come first but yet, they are powerless.
I have learned how to detach. In Al-anon I have learned to detach with love. My A and I are divorced now. (I did so great with detaching, I detached right out of the marraige...lol...that is my detachment joke.) What it has taught me though is, I learned how to detach those feelings of "not good enough" and I learned how to truly love myself for the first time. I am worth it. I deserved to be loved. The only way for me to feel as though I am #1 is to treat myself that way by keeping the negativity away, not think so darkly, realize they suffer too. It helps me to attend AA, not to understand the alcoholic....but to gain compassion I never use to have. Ultimately, the real compassion came to having compassion for myself.
What wonderful progress Elizabeth. You are getting it and I am too, one day at a time.
I know that kind of fantasy the hopeful third choice offers. I also know how sad/mad/hurt I felt when I learned I had absolutely no control over what the As in my life were doing.
The choice is not easy - ((((HUGS)))) - and you're not alone.
Like an addict we have two choices: recovery or loose ourself in their disease. Our recovery has to be about us and for us, regardless if they choose recovery or not. Having said that, I do believe in miracles. Recovery is possible for them. As recovery is possible for us. Never, never give up hope. Be realistic, but never give up hope. I believe that there is great potential in all of us, including addicts. They just have a tougher time tapping into it. Be extra good to yourself. You deserve it.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Barisax has nailed it! Yes, there is a third option, but that one is not controlled by you. As others said, you can hope for that third option, but I say realistically, leave it on the "perhaps possible" list.
Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I'm not sure I understand why you believe that have only 2 choices. Just based on the 2 factors you mentioned -- accept/not accept and stay/leave -- you clearly have at least 4 choices: not accept and stay, not accept and leave, accept and stay, accept and leave. (There are probably other choices also, but since those are the only 2 factors you've mentioned, I'll stick to these.)
I guess I'm confused as to why acceptance of your A's drinking would mean that you have to stay and not accepting it would mean that you have to leave. For me I guess acceptance has always kinda opened-up my choices rather than limiting them that way. Acceptance for me is just acknowledging that something is what it is and is the way it is -- as opposed to fantasizing about what it could be, remembering what it was, dreaming about what it could be in the future, etc. etc. etc. I mean I can do any or all of those other things if I want to but if I start to confuse my fantasies, dreams, wishes, and hopes with reality then I am probably going to be in trouble when it comes to seeing what my choices really are and making good ones that offer me the best chance of taking care of myself.
Also, I think it's very important to distiguish between acceptance as "acknowledging what it is" and accpetance as "putting up with" or "resigning oneself to." The acceptance I've learned in Al Anon is the first kind and it is a necessary step in avoiding the second. Because it is only when I see something or someone as it/they really are that I can begin to accurately figure out what I need to do in order to take care of myself where that thing or person is concerned. Acceptance, in my experience, doesn't predetermine a certain choice -- it just sets the stage for my being able to make the choice that's going to be best for me.
freyja
__________________
I never did give anyone hell; I just told the truth and they thought it was hell. Harry S. Truman
