The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So yesterday I post how I did the right thing and then.....my emotions are all over the place last night. I spoke to the A and was telling him about it and then I went off on an uncontrollable tyriad of how serious this is and he needs to get to AA and I know he's not going like he should and on and on I went nagging, screaming, It was terrible - I was terrible. I know it is wrong behavior on my part - I so want things to go in a healthy direction and I am tyring to force solutions and I am the one becoming unhealthy in the process. I'm also trying to justify my actions - I spoke honestly yesterday to the attorney but I wasn't support or compassionate of my A and now I'm scared that his report will reflect in. In the back of my mind I know its not my fault, I don't want to be in this and yet I don't know how to get myself out of it. I know I need help...I'm going to call a counselor and really try to work on me. Maybe this is my bottoming out? I so pray to let go... I really hate this disease - I feel so powerless and I'm sad.
What I'm hearing is that you lost your cool at the right person: I remember you shared with us that your A told you "Now if you say this, this will happen..." "And you can't say this, because they'll do this to me..." What happened in other words, is that you, in a rather angry way, said "You put me in a compromising position. You asked me to lie to a member of the bar. You asked me to tell someone things that aren't true. You asked me to choose between people I love. Your behavior is putting me in positions where I'm having to pick sides and that's not fair. Because you won't stay sober the law is making decisions for you, and you're trying to get me to bail you out, even though I've already told you and showed you that's not what I do. That's not fair."
Could you have said it differently? Sure! Did it need to be said? Definately! This was not gonna be the first time that you were gonna be put in the position where you had to choose, essentially, how bad you loved the people in your family. And that is NOT FAIR. Just NOT FAIR.
So about the feelings? Write about it. Pray about it. Talk to your sponsor. Maybe go running. If it's in order, call the guardian ad litem and say "I need to amend my previous statement. I have left out information that will affect the well being of my loved one."
But above all, pray. Don't medicate with shopping or eating, or raging, or sleeping. Feel to heal; heal and feel. It's okay. I promise. I'm really proud of you twinkie, I really am.
I pray for you to find some peace today. Tiger is right, pray, pray and pray some more. Sit quietly if you can. Then talk to a sponsor and attend a face to face meeting if possible. I know the feeling of being out of control - losing sanity in this disease. You are worth more than that, feeling guilty and feeling like you don't know what you are doing.
I know the feeling also of raging and trying to manipulate the A into going for help. It really does no good - at least not in my situation, just made him more resistant to going. I finally let go and did not mention it anymore, and he got a third DUI and now is attending AA probably because he wants it to look good, but don't know. At least he is going, I am glad.
When I finally let go and did my own thing and kind of got a way for a while, then he seemed to get worse, then this happened and now he is seeking sobriety.
I think you did the right thing, and now you are second-guessing yourself. Pray and ask HP to guide you to do the next right thing, whether that be to do nothing, just to take care of yourself. You will be guided, believe it or not.
Sorry you struggle today, Twinkie. If it makes you feel ANY better, I love your screen name. Always reminds me of my father, makes me smile - my dad loved TWINKIES! Kabbie
First of all, please quit beating yourself up - this disease has done that enough already. Allow yourself the ability to human and make mistakes. We all have over reacted to the alcoholics situations in our lives. We probably all have scream, ranted and raved - I know that I have. I have learned in Al-Anon, that I was doing the best I could with what I had at at the time.
The key to recovery is not what I did yesterday - it's about what I do today. Today, I can say "Althought there maybe truth in some of the things I said, I could have said them in a more appropriate manner. For this I apologize" and then let it go. I pray and ask forgiveness from my HP and let Him heal me of those hurts.
In dealing with what has happened in the past, even if it was yesterday - this is how it was explained to me:
"Who was the First President of the United States of America?"
"George Washington"
"Do you agree with that? Do you like that he was President? Can you do anything to change him being President? Do you worry about what you could have done to change the outcome of the first Presidential election"
"You can no more change the matter of who was the first President of the United States than you can change what happened yesterday. So worrying about yesterday is as fruitful as worrying about the first Presidential election. Let it go - you did the best you could with what you knew on that day - Today is a new day- do the best you can with the knowledge and the tools that your HP has given you today."
Twinkie, Hope - remember Hope - there is always Hope - Don't lose your Hope - if you can't find it - borrow mine - remember that no matter what You and Your HP will be ok - even better than OK!!
One day at a Time,
Rita
__________________
No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Good job! Didn't feel good or sound good but it was and marvelous courage on doing something different. That is what recovery is about. I was told in early recovery that this is an simple program for complicated people and that it is simple and not easy. This helped me understand the fearful feelings and reactions I had when doing something different or feeling fearful and still doing the proper thing for the proper reason. Seems that this is what you did...great!!! When I use to run off at the mouth to my alcoholic (or anyone else for that matter) about how this was this way and how she had to do this or that and that we had to...whatever? I learned that the simple and honest way of saying what I needed to say was that I was fearful and confused and didn't know what in the heck to do about it and I hated feeling that way. When I learned to express that...my feelings and perceptions...I got better all the rest was just blabbering from and idiot.
You may have felt some guilt, fear and maybe some shame about not doing it the way youthink your alcoholic wanted it done. It sounded like you were honest rather than giving into lying and being secretive and deceitful. You did the right thing the right way for the right reasons. This is what a taste of recovey is. Kinda funny but edible. After a while it begins to taste wonderful. Do you know that there is no law written anywhere that says you have to do it to save his butt while loosing yours in the process? There isn't and I didn't know why I thought I had to do this same thing for my alcoholic. Everytime I did I took away an opportunity for her to be responsible. Man that wasn't good!!
By doing the right thing, for the right reasons in the best way you can...you are getting yourself out...getting yourself free. You'll be fine. You are fine now. Before you go running off like a crazy person looking for a fairy god-mother with a magic wand and answers to all of the problems in the world, try sitting still for a while, take a deep breath and listen to others who have come before you with their stories of what it was like, what they found out and what it is like for them today. Then go practice what they are doing. Face to Face meeting have that experience along with this site. Go huddle with the winners. Go have coffee with them and ask them how they do this and do that and then make choices other than your old ones. I can tell you that doing this saved my mind, body, spirit and emotions meaning my whole life.
Congratulaltions on your win!! (((pat on the back))). Keep coming back and trying out other experiences. ((((hugs))))
