I think for me that feeling has always been there because there's been good reason for that feeling to be there--after all, there was consistent evidence to suggest in my home of origin that "the other shoe would drop; so don't get too comfortable." This was evidenced in the bills would get paid...and then dad would go on a binge, we would be near forclosure, and so on and so forth. It was evidenced in how mom would work herslelf into literally illness, and I would be her nurse, then she would get well enough to go back to work, only a short time later to relapse and need me to be her care taker. So at least for me, I try to be gentle on myself, because it's not as if there isn't REASON to feel this way--it's happened before.

 Now having said that, I, like you, have found that serenity has come only because I have distanced myself from my alcholics. I have found some peace dealing with the rollercoaster of life when my alcholics aren't involved to make it HARDER. So, for me, the feeling of "When will the next shoe drop?" has eased up because I've put major constrictions on when and how I have a relationship with my parents. I'm still really nervous about the holidays. This will be my first holiday's with boundries and all. So I mean, I don't know. But I do know that because I'm actually STICKING with my boundries right now, I don't feel a need to create drama and I feel okay with dealing with whatever drama comes my way.

 A sponsor definately helps here.

I also feel like I could have written this post.

I am 53 years old and I have always waited for things to be normal in my life before I can start living.

You are right, Noni....it is a paralyzing fear. Always waiting for something bad to happen because it usually does.

There are many things that I would be doing now, that I love to do, but for waiting for depression to get better and waiting to lose weight, I never do them. If I do...I usually don't enjoy myself.

So in waiting my life is passing right by me. This is not a dress rehearsal.

HP...please help us that keep waiting to live to start living at this very moment.

YFIR...Gail

Oh how well I can relate to this post.  FEAR.

Many times I knew I had to do something else, find something else, be something else, do something else and was frozen by fear.  I was not much more than a ghost or shadow in my own life.  Every once in a while I could catch of glimse of myself moving forward, moving on, making a needed adjustment, but as soon as I noticed it, the vision diminished and I felt so alone, so stuck, so afraid to take another risk, to step out of the internal shell I had made around my spirit for living, that I was sure I was going to die without having ever lived.

Before recovery all my friendships and relationships were fly-by-night relations.  People appeared and disappeared so often I stopped being able to allow myself to get close to anyone.  "Starting over" was my profession.  I had started over so many times in life, in so many ways, that I was afraid to make a real investment in anything, because in the world I came from the life expectancy of anything good, worthy of having or obtaining was pretty short.  I was a professional Job Getter.  A lousy job keeper.  My world would start to look and even feel like it was finally coming together, and suddenly the carpet would be pulled out from under it all and I'd land on my ass again.  Emotionally, mentally and spiritually crashed on the side of life, living, loving and laughing.

When I started my journey into recovery, I was so darn proud of myself when I went to a pawn shop to buy something.  I would call my sponsor and tell him, "I got such a good deal on a such and such..."  he would ask, where did you buy it?"  "At a pawn shop (or garage sale).  At least today I'm not taking stuff to it, I'm buying stuff from it!"  Then one afternoon he shared the truth about me with me.

"John, its okay to buy something that is still in the unopened box, that has a warranty, from a department store...  you have the money to do so, you are not saving yourself as much as you think you are, and thats not why you are still doing business with pawn shops.  You are still stuck in them simply because you are afraid to make a real investment in yourself.  To treat yourself really good.  You are unconsciously expecting to lose what you gain again.  You are still not sure you are worthy of a good investment.  You are still living in fear of not being able to get what you need, or keep what you get.  It's now time to start trusting yourself, this thing called recovery, the God of your understanding... and me, your sponsor.   Take that darn thing back where you got it and go buy yourself a new one.  As long as you keep living in the dis-ease, you will never fully be able to enjoy and celebrate your recovery.

I was so stuck, the world was passing me by, I was standing on the sidelines wanting to live so bad, but so afraid to try one more time.  Then the day came.  The emotional center within that had turned into a block of ice, started to thaw out, friendships and relationships started to have real meaning again.  Committments started to have value again.  Love stopped maining "pain", "trust" stopped being equated with "betrayal", caring stopped being vunerability, etc, etc....

I called my sponsor one day and told him... Guess what I bought today!  A really nice such and such and got a really good deal!  As always, he asked, where did you get it John?  With much pride, a smile all over my face, tears in my eyes, I said... At a department store, with the original box a warranty, operating instructions and everything!"

I still have the box from that purchase, because more than a new store bought item came out of it.  So did I... so did a new life, so did a new sense of confidence, and most importantly in it was what I value the most today... a new, refreshing sense that I was going to be okay.  I didn't have to live in fear any longer, I could make a solid investment in myself and it would never again be for nothing.

Yours In the Spirit of Healing and Recovery,

John