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I do not know who I am more ticked at right now... myself... or the alcoholic in my life.
some history......... My A has been on and off the wagon so much I swear the axles are going to break. He's 36 yrs old... and me being the one who picks up everyones peices and puts them back together again fell in love with him over 2yrs ago. I have been to so many AA meetings for his disease I have lost count. I go with him for support if he wants me to go. If not I will drop him off and come back and get him.... Well, I use to... that was a year ago when he would actually walk in the door. Now he won't go because "too many people know him" or "everyone will know I failed again" So my response besides the fact that he is not the only alcoholic to walk back into an AA door... was to go to another town if needed... I don't care.. anything.. something... at least consider it. But I will not push it as I do know... he has to be there for himself and not for me.
He has a wonderful family....... I don't really think he realizes just how lucky he is... he has both parents.. grandparents... brothers.. sisters... aunts... uncles.. who all love him to death... they support him 100% ....... when he's sober. Thank god they don't enable him and give him money anymore.. if he falls he falls alone. The problem is.. now he has me to take down with him. His mother loves the fact that we are what we are... we are wonderful together... 100% wonderful... when he's sober. When the drinking starts.. the arguing begins.. because I don't know what else to do. I am told to turn a blind eye... let him drink.. don't pour it out.. don't take his money... just let him go... The only way he won't drink is if he doesn't have money.. until the neighbour of course says "oh come on down"... 1 drink is too many... 24 is not enough... 1 drink will put him into a 3 day to 2 week binge. He realizes this when he's sick.. but when he's off for a while.. "oh no.. I can have one" is the response.
I am sure this has all be spoken before... I mean really.. the disease cuts a path that is really quite unniversal... the Alcoholic drinks.. the ones who love suffer.
So this morning at 5am while I was at work... I get the call...he's sick... apparently he's gotten better at hiding it... because there was no indication that he was drinking ... if so no way would I leave my kids home while I went to work. I have this job that allows me to have pretty good le way when it comes to child care.. I can take them to work with me and put them to bed if needed... I can send them to their nanny's and to his parents at any time.. and I will because I grew up with a drinker... and I refuse to have my children watched by a drunk.
So why is he here? why after growing up this way have I fallen for someone so lost in this disease? Why can he be straight for 3 weeks .. 3 months or more and then start back up knowing full well how intolerant he is to it?
He calls me in a panick state "Im sick and I called an ambulance" I can tell just what kind of sick this is..... I said to him...WHEN did this begin? And then let into him about the kids etc.. the same crap I have spilled over and over again. At least this time I get an "Im sorry" however it has fallen on deaf ears...he's sorry.. he's sorry he's sick. Not sorry for what he has put me through.... He said he's called an ambulance.. he's throwing up blood.. he can't settle down.. he's this he's that.. he needs help.. etc... All the while my children are sleeping in their bed oblivious to this craziness. He says "they will be fine... you will be home in a couple hours... " My daughter is 11yrs.. and although allowed to stay home for periods of a few min while I run to the corner store etc.. I do not believe I will be leaving her and her 2 younger brothers alone even though I work 2 blocks away and I would be home in an hour or so. Call it what ever.. but not my kids.. not in my house.
So, I call my boss.. crying on the phone... "an ambulance is on the way to my house" he says "I'll be right there" and he is in a flash... which is great... but will the alcoholic see how his actions affect not only himself but his family, my job... his own children who visit every 2 weeks and has lost his rights previously because of this nonsense.
I came in the house to him crying and wallowing in his own stupidity and still blaming the booze... I said to him again.. like every other time before "the problem is not the booze.. it is the person who choses to put it into their body"........ So he's been drinking for 3 days... god he's gotten good at hiding this. I have always been able to pin point it ... maybe it's because I raise 3 children, I work midnights, I get little sleep.. it has just blinded me. Or maybe it's because I have grown to not give a crap anymore.
He's been to re-hab.. he's been to detox.. although not since we have been together. He has had 4yrs of sobriety.... only to be drawn to that king can on a nice hot day.. He even wrote a story about it.
So the ambulance has just left... I am at home... seeking out an al anon message board because I have no clue what is left to do. He knows how very mad I am right now.... but I doubt he cares... as he's going to the hospital to get fixed up..
I feel so lost in this disease..so powerless... and so very mad at myself for going through this. I feel so manipulated... the promises that are never kept... his mother who says "please don't leave him.. you are my only hope.. you have been able to do so much more than anyone else for him... I am afraid he'll never pull out of it with out you" SHe's so wonderful... but has no idea how much of a burden those words are to me....Why am I allowing myself to go through this? I wish that answer would come. But I am beginning to realize that there probably isn't an answer. I ended an abusive marriage because I was black in blue outside.. and now I find Im black and blue inside.
Ok.. I think it's time for me to quit feeling sorry for myself.... Sorry to vent on your monitors...
Welcome to the MIP family! Here you will find great experience, strength, hope, wisdom and a bit of humor (good for the ) .
You came to the right place to vent. We all do that. Unfortunately this disease is progressive. I too live with a chronic relapser. He has 6 months sobriety right now. I have faith that it will continue. But I always remember Step 1. I don't blame you for not wanting to leave your children with an active A. It doesn't matter how close you work, it's not a good thing for them to see.
I say this to all the newcomers as a way to remind myself: You must not loose yourself in their disease. Your recovery has to be about you and for you, regardless if the A choose sobriety or not. It's the old story about us becoming sicker than our As. Please keep coming back to us. We are here 24/7/365. Join us in the chat room or for our on-line meetings. I felt it very helpful to go back and read old posts. There's alot of experience in them. You are not alone in this. There are many people right in the same spot you are in now. As you get stronger you will be able to make the decisions you need to. We're here for you.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <---- the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
The people here are wonderful at helping others - to support each other in working our own program - which helps us to make decisions and choices that are right for us.
You say you have been to many AA meetings but not if you attend Al-Anon meetings too, if not I would suggest you try to find one.
We have a slogan called the three c's: We didnt Cause it, We cant Cure it and We cannot Control it.
I hope you will continue to come back to this site, there is a lot of great experience, strength and hope here. We also have online meetings in a live chat room twice a day, with open chat 24/7. Just click on the link at the top left of this page.
I know this saga very well. The important thing is to beat yourself up. I look back on the A's behavior with hindsight and say what was I thinking. Lately the A has been smoking marjuana and eating everything in sight. I just looked in the cupboard he ate 5 boxes of cereal this week and 4 gallons of milk. He wants me of course to finance his munchies.
He spends days and days at the doctors, at the VA actually about his liver only to come home get drunk and take drugs. I have given up second guessing.
I can imagine your rage at having the ambulance called. I can also know if he is throwing up blood the damage to his liver is a lot.
What is it if you were in Al anon before or not. For some of us the bottom comes quickly with no inference for many of us we have to hit some very very painful bottoms to get here.
The important thing is you are here. You got here. You managed it. You want help. Why beat yourself up over what you did in the past. I could beat myself to smithereens over helping the A till I was broken in an emotional breakdown practically over it.
You can start detaching. You can take care of yourself. You can be free of some of the effects of this illness on you and your family, one day at a time. You deserve to be.
The best suggestion I can give you is to get yourself to an Al-Anon face to face meeting.
I have seen a lot of people wait until they are desperate and it's either a choice of the mental ward at the hospital or an Al-Anon meeting. I know that's where I was at when I went to my first meeting. Going to that meeting literally saved my life.
I did not realize just how sick "I" was until I had attended a few meetings, that was almost two years ago and I need Al-Anon as much or more today as I did the night I walked into that first meeting. My A son may be sober or he may be drinking these days I really do not know for sure. I do know that regardless of what happens I will be ok. I have a circle around me now that gives me the support I need when I need it, all I have to do is pick up the phone and call someone, they are always there.
I understand where your mother-in-law is coming from when she say's please don't leave him. I put that same guilt trip on my daughter-in-laws more than once. The reason I did it was because I could relax as long as someone else was taking care of him. I knew I couldn't do it so it was ok with me if someone else did. These day's I'm actually thankful when he goes to jail, at least then I know he is ok and again someone else is taking care of him.
Be good to yourself and take it all one day at a time.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
This is great that you have been attending AA meetings. You may have been there for him, but you were really there for you. I hope you make it back to some meetings.
I am sorry for what you are going through. It can get pretty scary. You are not responsible for what others do say or think. You have to live for you.
I hope that he is alright health wise. I hope that you are all right. Keep on coming back.
Do you, by any chance, know the number of his old AA sponsor? OR some old AA friends? They would be of great comfort right now to you--they would be able to help get "The normal stuff done:" maybe do some grocery shopping, maybe do some baby sitting, stuff like that. If nothing else, they can put word out on the AA grapevine and possibly "guilt" your husband into getting sober.
Additionally, do you know of any local al anons? Or, by chance, maybe the AAs can send some to sit with you. I'm so glad you're here, honey. Please keep us posted.
Do you, by any chance, know the number of his old AA sponsor? OR some old AA friends? They would be of great comfort right now to you--they would be able to help get "The normal stuff done:" maybe do some grocery shopping, maybe do some baby sitting, stuff like that. If nothing else, they can put word out on the AA grapevine and possibly "guilt" your husband into getting sober.
Additionally, do you know of any local al anons? Or, by chance, maybe the AAs can send some to sit with you. I'm so glad you're here, honey. Please keep us posted.
I have spoke to his previous sponsor.. and he told me "kick him out..when he has nothing left maybe then he'll learn" he has washed his hands of him as he says he can't help him unless he makes contact.. my A has not spoken to his sponsor seriously in over a year about this addiction. We may see him on the street.. he'll say hello.. and shoot the breeze but that's all.
As for al anon.. no I don't know anyone who goes.. I know there is a meeting here on friday and I may contact his mother and say "it's time we went" and see if we can get a joint force of action at least help each other be stronger. I called her this morning and told her he was in the hosp. and she simply told me she's done chasing after him and to just leave him there.. he'll find his way home. The hosp. called me and guilted me into coming in...... I watched him bawl his head off and had very little sympathy for it. I told him I want things in life and in the future. I will have them with or with out him. And it will most definately be with out alcohol in my life. So I am not sure if it has sunk in. He's still there.. and I told the doctor I am not babysitting this stupidity any more. If he wants help he will have to start asking for it. They are discharging him soon... I wish they'd put him on the physc ward however, that will only take up their resources... he has to want to be better.
Welcome to this Board. You will find so many people here with love and support. Like was said above, face to face meetings along with this Board save my sanity almost daily. We need help and we need to hear experience, strength and hope from other people in the same situation.
You can learn many tools here, and I recommend the book, "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drew - very good book about living with alcoholism. It turns out to be taking care of yourself in this program, you cannot go down with his disease. Keep coming back and reading posts, and learning about the disease. Try to go to face to face meetings, I'm not kidding, it will save your sanity.
Welcome to Alanon! Welcome home. AA is for drinkers; Alanon is for those affected by other's drinking.
Others have offered you a lot of good "suggestions."
I'd like to add my welcome and regarding your mother-in-law (I too have one I love and thinks I am the best thing that's happened to her family), I offer this poem that saved my sanity, serenity and my soul and life.
Angela's Word
When Angela was very young, Age two or three or so, Her mother and her father Taught her never to say NO. They taught her that she must agree With everything they said, And if she didn't, she was spanked And sent upstairs to bed.
So Angela grew up to be A most agreeable child; She was never angry And she was never wild; She always shared, she always cared, She never picked a fight, And no matter what her parents said, She thought that they were right.
Angela "the Angel" did very well in school And, as you might imagine, she followed every rule; Her teachers said she was so well-bred, So quiet and so good, But how Angela felt inside They never understood.
Angela had lots of friends Who liked her for her smile; They knew she was the kind of gal Who'd go the extra mile; And even when she had a cold And really needed rest, When someone asked her if she'd help She always answered Yes
When Angela was thirty-three, she was a lawyer's wife. She had a home and family, and a nice suburban life. She had a little girl of four And a little boy of nine, And if someone asked her how she felt She always answered, "Fine."
But one cold night near Christmas time When her family was in bed, She lay awake as awful thoughts went spinning through her head; She didn't know why, and she didn't know how, But she wanted her life to end; So she begged Whoever put her here To take her back again.
And then she heard, from deep inside, A voice that was soft and low; It only said a single word And the word it said was... NO.
From that moment on, Angela knew Exactly what she had to do. Her life depended on that word, So this is what her loved ones heard: NO, I just don't want to; NO, I don't agree; NO, that's yours to handle; NO, that's wrong for me; NO, I wanted something else; NO, that hurt a lot! NO, I'm tired, and NO, I'm busy, And NO, I'd rather not!
Well, her family found it shocking, Her friends reacted with surprise; But Angela was different, you could see it in her eyes; For they've held no meek submission Since that night three years ago When Angela the Angel Got permission to say NO.
Today Angela's a person first, then a mother and a wife. She knows where she begins and ends, She has a separate life. She has talents and ambitions, She has feelings, needs and goals. She has money in the bank and An opinion at the polls.
And to her boy and girl she says, "It's nice when we agree; But if you can't say NO, you'll never grow To be all you're meant to be. Because I know I'm sometimes wrong And because I love you so, You'll always be my angels Even when you tell me NO."
Source: Barbara K. Bassett
That two letter, one little word, that is now a full sentence in my vocabulary was the key for me. I hope you keep coming,
Maria123
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
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