Snowed - Al-Anon Family Group

kabbie · Veteran Member

Snowed

ZiggyDoodles · Senior Member

Kabbie,

You did great!

I listened to this speaker Fay W. She really helped me with fears and powerlessness. "It is none of my business what goes on past the end of my nose" If you have an hour and cannot make it to a meeting, she is a great listen. A lot of wisdom there.

http://www.elmoware.com/spktapes.htm

Ziggy

laurab · Senior Member

Kabbie

It's not a set back. It's good. You knew you were not ready for her and now she's not coming. A halfway house might be good because it means you won't ever need to feel like the cops.

Laura

Gailey · ~*Service Worker*~

Kabbie writes:

Opened up the door for considering halfway houses after her stay at rehab.

Wasn't it just yesterday that you were looking for answers about setting boundaries and having your daughter come home after rehab?

I know it would be very hard and I don't know if I could do it...but I do believe the situation went down this way to help you to do what is healthy for you.

((((Prayers for you Kabbie)))

greta · Senior Member

(((kabbie))),

I don't see this as a setback. Well maybe a set back for your daughter. The old manipulative ways are not working. I see it as a good thing. Your daughter may be sober but the ism's are still alive and well. Looks like you sent a message to your daughter, no more.

When my son got sober, I thought thank god, he will magically return to that nice little boy I missed so much. Not so! Like me he was unaware of alot of the behaviors he had picked up on his path to insanity. They have to work work work like us. No quick fixes! DARN!

He went through treatment twice. The second time was an extended stay. The first time he came back, it turned into business as usual...old playpens...old playmates.

I was sad when he went to treatment the second time, but looking back it was a good thing. I have wondered had he gone to a halfway house would he have done better the first time? Who knows. Doesn't matter now.

One thing I do know, Is I will not allow him to turn my home and life into the circus it was before the first go around. I do have a choice there. I can not and will not jump on that merry go round again... Thank you alanon!

Good work trusting your gut feelings!

God Bless,

Carol

kismetstrand · ~*Service Worker*~

I like to look at your post as a good example of our slogan Let Go and Let God. You've started doing the footwork... setting boundaries, talking to counselors/others... and your HP just confirmed to you that you are on the right path through those conversations that allowed you to see the lies and manipulation. I agree with others who say they don't see this as a setback. More a step forward, that everyone is starting to see the truth (over the lies) ... when we are aware, then it is harder for them to manipulate. The doors of enabling will start closing, the A will start feeling the consequences of their actions, this can help in the A finally looking for true recovery. It also aids us in true recovery also - we're learning healthy responses.

While I was not an A, I know I did some things and made some choices that absolutely broke my mother's heart. I am always thankful that she did not try to "save" me or control me, that she allowed me the dignity as an adult to make my own decisions and to either reap the rewards or face the consequences (and pain) of those decisions. I have learned a lot by that. What works, what doesn't work for me. I know mom will always give me her opinion when I ask, what I do with it is up to me. She loved me thru both good and bad choices. Didn't enable me, didn't try and control me.... she gave me a good example of our slogan Live and Let Live.

Now that I am here in Al-Anon, I can truly appreciate how hard that was for her, and be extremely grateful she was that way. I try to remember her example as I deal with my own A's and family.

Luv, Kis

barisax · Senior Member

kabbie wrote:

No one knows the A better than the people who LIVE with them - the parents, wives, husbands, children?

We know them, but it always seems to take an outsider to see the truth. We have the data, but our conclusions and our reasoning are skewed.

What's interesting is that we Alanons can see this in each other better than we can see it in ourselves. One more of many reasons why I go to meetings, listen, and share.

Barisax

Tiger2006 · ~*Service Worker*~

What I'm actually hearing dear is a sense of guilt. I'm hearing that you feel good that you are able to say "No" and stick with "No" but at the same time are aghast that someone you love and care about so much could hamstring you in so many different ways. Think about it: as a little child, when Mommy said no, didn't you go find Daddy? Or Grammy? Or Grampy? Or whoever would tell you what you wanted to hear? It's the same thing here, honey--your daughter is acting like an immature girl, trying to get her way.

The second thing I'm hearing is that you're feeling as if living in a half way house would be a "punishment" of some kind. Quite frankly, I was shocked that you were willing to let your daughter live with you after treatment. For the vast majority of families I have known that have taken this path, the parents have found themselves to feel as if they have been taken advantage of, their boundries not respected, and that they feel like a "policeman" (as others have mentioned to you) of their child's program: rather than actually letting their child hit bottom and suffer consequences of their disease, they feel as if they are enforcing boundries to "force a solution" on their child that they may not want or be mature enough to handle. Do you see where tension can arise there?

For the record, your daughter may not even be able to be ADMITTED to a half way house--it is very very difficult to get in, to pay for, and for the record, TO STAY IN. There are, at least in my area, waiting lists; the expenses are similar to those of rehab/treatment centers; and the rules are similar to those of rehab/treatment centers. Your daughter will have to learn, assuming she is ADMITTED, that the rules APPLY to her; that others have RIGHTS; and the little game she tried to play on you? She would quickly earn herself the privlege of homelessness should she attempt it in her halfway house.

Indeed, recovery is not for pussies or pansies, and ultimately, your daughter has to decide for herself how she needs to "make it work." In my area, if the half way houses were unavailible, perhaps she would qualify for subsidized housing. But again, there would be EXPECTATIONS--it would not be out of the ordinary, for example, to have her randomly recieve a call to go to the board of health to do a "drop and squat:" have her breath tested for liquor (which would include NyQuill) and her urine for drugs. And again, she would be under restriction: the police would reserve the right to check in on her.

Please keep us posted.

Karilynn · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((Kabbie))))))),

I am so glad that you trusted your gut. Good for you. You have learned how to Detach with Love. I really do think halfway houses are best after rehab. I let hubby come home because I didn't know better when his councelors were suggesting the halfway house. It took him 2 1/2 years and numerous relapses (including after he left the halfway house) for it to sink in: if he drinks, he dies. Even he says looking back he should have gone in.

I think it will also take the burden off of you policing her actions. While those boundaries were great, it was possible you would have spent more time on her, than on you. That is not the point of the program.

I don't like the word setback. It's a learning experience. She didn't go out and use, and you didn't fall for her manipulations. Therefore no setback. But you did find out that she was lying, and put her on notice. Job well done. Always, always, always, trust your gut.

Love and blessings to you and your family.

Live strong,

Karilynn & Pipers Kitty

kabbie · Veteran Member

Ouch! The truth hurts. Thank you for all the posts - I'm learning so much about myself - Kabbie

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.