The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Got a sponsor last nite at the f2f meeting Then I got home and was chatting on yahoo late into the night and ran into this very interesting guy and of course he asks if I am single, married, etc. and I say seperated. Then we get into a deep discussion and he challenges me... He asks if I am going to get back together with the A and I say I wish I knew. From there the conversation got really deep and he kept challenging me at every turn about why I would want to continue the relationship. Not in a mean way but in a very productive way almost like a counselor. Reminding me of things I have been avoiding thinking about. I am getting to the point where I feel I need to make a decision about what direction I want to go with him. Either I need to tell him there is no chance of reconcilliation or that I will give him another chance but I don't know if I have another chance in me and if not I want to move on! I feel stuck, I want the freedom from him but am scared of it at the same time.
In my own experience, I knew when the time was right. No one else can tell you that and don't let anyone push you into doing something you're not ready for.
The fact that you just got a sponsor is an important step for you. Work the steps with your sponsor, talk to them and I truly believe with time you will know that you know that you know what the "next right step" will be.
Actually I'm more excited about the sponsor part. Hooray for you!
What your "deep and normal friend" was really asking, I think, is for some nice little clean box to put your relationship in. For me al anon is about realizing that "little boxes" are for "little gifts"--ideally, really expensive jewlery from places like Macys and Niemen Marcus. Anytime I try to place something intangible in a box, like God, my personality, a relationship, or fears, in a box, with a label, or whatever like that, what I'm really saying is "I can't begin to face how truly BIG this thing is. I can't begin to process how truly HUMAN I am. I feel so small; I can't do it alone!"
And I HATE, HATE, HATE, the feeling of being HUMAN. I relish being a guru. I relish the idea of "knowing all." So when reality hits and I must practice humility must more, I find myself looking at the essense of step one--I am human. I cannot control what is uncontrollable. Like it says in the acceptance pamphlet, ultimately, I cannot help those who do not want it, and ultimately, I can only help those who are willing to help themselves.
"Normal" people, who ever they are, wherever they are, wonder about relationships. Whenever I wonder about normal people I forget one important thing: I AM normal. I am normal by sheer fact that I am a CHILD OF GOD. Made practically perfect in every way. The ways that aren't perfect, eh, I'm working on. But if ever I need to be reminded of my worth, all I really need to know is that I have you guys.
I don't know anyone normal. I do think lots of people have issues with relationships.
I've met lots of people who want to pigeon hole the A and my relationship to him.
I think when I am rational there are good and bad things about it.
I also think that no one should push you to leave. Its up to you when you do it. I also think that in your case there is the added component of the children. The fact is you are successfully setting many many limits with the A that is new for you. I know whenever I am doing something new like limit setting I get into all kinds of contortions regarding shoulda woulda coulda. I did not know boundaries before now I do. I need to practice night and day though.
I don't think normal people are any better at handling stuff than anyone else. I think they just dont' talk about it much.
all I know is that it seems to me that I love too deeply, hold on too much when I should have let go a long time ago, give chance after chance after chance and always with the same result. I think normal people don't let themselves get consumed by another person or their problems. I can't really explain it but I know I feel differently than other and feel more intensely. Don't know if that makes sense but most of the time I wish I could turn it off!
You struggle with the same question many of us struggle with. "Do I know when to say enough?". The answer can't come from anywhere but inside you. I don't think it is unusual or not normal to work hard at a relationship that you want to save.
I am of the opinion that you can miss out of much of life by being too far the other way too. Give up at the first sign of pain or weakness.
Maybe this person was sent to you to make you think, not make you decide. Right now you appear to have a great oportunity. A new sponsor, and the freedom to work on you. That takes a lot of energy and a lot of focus.
I keep remembering what everyone told me... the decission to not decide today is a decission too. I hope you can not feel cornered when you make your decissions.
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Be still and let your heart think, as my grandpa use to tell me. You'll know when the time is right because you will make that decision without hesitation. It will be freeing and empowering. As for "normal" people loving too much. No such thing as a "normal". We all have our foibles, some more than others.
Congrats on your sponsor! That's awsome!
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
That is awesome that you found someone that you feel comfortable working with as a sponsor!! Hope that continues to work well for you.
I don't know if anyone told you this, but there are a few things that the members at my f2f home group suggested to me.
1. Try 6 meetings before deciding if Al-Anon was for me.
2. Make a Plan B-extra $25, phone list & a place to go in case of emergency.
3. No one deserves to live in a abusive homelife.
4. If you decide the Al-Anon program is for you, you might want to wait 6 months before making any majoring decision. Your outlook may change after working a program of recovery.
So, try not allow yourself to be pressured to making a decision until you are ready - this program allows us the right to say "I need more time"
Take care of you,
Rita
__________________
No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
First let me congratulate you on the sponsor !! That is AWESOME :) A great step in the right direction. Your sponsor will try to understand your feelings. I think we have all felt the way you feel now.. People who dont have the experience of loving someone addicted wouldnt understand. Your sponsor would :) I know that i have ask myself that same question over and over again.. When is enough enough...????? I am tell my HP he will need to make it CRYSTAL CLEAR, as I am a bit hard hearing. :) I do agree that you will know when the time is right.
Dont make any decision until YOU are sure it is a decision that YOU want..
Take time for YOU, get to know YOU and what YOU want and YOU need
I know exactly where you are. I am SO glad you got a sponsor, she will help you so much!!! Like everyone said above, and I keep hearing also, you will just know when and if to make a decision.
Like you, I tend to love (cling??) very deeply also, give so much of myself that I have lost myself in this relationship. I am just learning how to figure out how I feel and what I need! What a journey. I was wrapped up in another person four-five months ago, and we had been married 17 years so it is a long-standing pattern. It is still so tender, this love I have for my AH, but you know what? There may be a time when the most loving thing to do for him and for me is to go our separate ways and work on ourselves. Or not, I just don't know right now. Just like you, very torn about making a decision, worried when HP will decide. I keep telling myself to let it go to God....
We just don't know, we just have to go with the flow, pray for the best, help other people, and take care of ourselves with care and gentleness. We are here for you, and I am so glad to hear you have a sponsor.
Congrats on your sponsor and thank you for sharing this topic. You are not alone, I too struggle with the stay or go question. I keep praying for an answer but I don't think I'm ready as nothing is coming to me to give me a clear direction. I must still have work to do on myself until I'm ready to accept a path.
I too have given and loved too much and as a result lost much of myself. For me, a "normal" relationship is one that is balanced and healthy - give and take and sacrifrices made on both sides and we can be human, vulnerable. So often I've given and given and then the resentments hit. That is my issue.
I've heard in talking to my healthy married friends and counselors that they have to work on their relationships all the time. For me, when I've given so much I know that I am not receiving back and the guilt and shame of my past and my current situation and behaviors cloud my opinion of myself and make me feel unworthy of a healthy, normal relationship.
In my mind, we can have a healthy relationships once we have a healthy relationship with ourselves. (Phil posted something on that tonight) Once we can set clear boundaries and learn to say no when we mean no, give when we want to give, care when we feel it in our hearts sincerely and trust what we feel. .
I haven't yet made a decision my self and struggle with you. Thanks for the post and the opportunity to share my thoughts on this topic. I'm so grateful for Al-anon and my friends here. Together we can all help each other one day at a time.
((((carolina))) I'm new to this board so I am trying to figure this all out, but I want to say by reading this topic and reading the responses I am not alone. I am separated from my AH for 2 months now and for a month things looked like they were starting to change for the better. Up untill a few days ago when he srarted reverting back to his controlling ways.
At this point I am were you are. Not sure to carry out this relationship and work on it or call it quits. After reading eveyones response I realized that I am not ready to let go of my marriage. I feel there's hope yet as my AH and I have both just started counseling and attending AA and Alanon. So to say the least b/c everything is so new to the both of us with AA and Alanon I am willing to keep moving forward, but for myself first. I let my AH know when we split up that before we ever get back together in living arrangements I must heal myself first, he must heal himself first and than we will look into healing our marriage.
This is so tough for all of us, but with the help that I receivethrough Alanon so far and my counselor I am starting to get it. I have been letting my Higher Power guide me. Although that is not always easy. I am working on it and I am concentrating on myself and not him. At least, I am trying to. Take care of yourself and I wish you the best.
Then I got home and was chatting on yahoo late into the night and ran into this very interesting guy and of course he asks if I am single, married, etc. and I say seperated. Then we get into a deep discussion and he challenges me... He asks if I am going to get back together with the A and I say I wish I knew. From there the conversation got really deep and he kept challenging me at every turn about why I would want to continue the relationship. Not in a mean way but in a very productive way almost like a counselor. Reminding me of things I have been avoiding thinking about. I am getting to the point where I feel I need to make a decision about what direction I want to go with him. Either I need to tell him there is no chance of reconcilliation or that I will give him another chance but I don't know if I have another chance in me and if not I want to move on! I feel stuck, I want the freedom from him but am scared of it at the same time.
Congrats on your sponsor! That's awsome! 
