The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is a topic that has come up since my AW and I have seperated. She showed great panic in the fact that the house looks great, that I cook and provide just fine for myself and our son, and life goes on if she's not there. It really threw her for a loop coming over to the house this past weekend.
Due to other issues that have happened between us over the years, I often feel that she is not there by choice. It shows itself in her behavior.
How can two people have a life together that is mutually fulfilling if either of them believes they are trapped? Maybe my comfort is in knowing that I would be just fine by myself, and that allows me to be free with my intentions and love. 'Cause I give it by choice...
I chose her because I loved her. I still love her very much. I want her to feel that freedom, and have that choice.
Just something that I have been mulling over, thought if I put it here maybe I can put it to rest. It's not something I can give her any more than I could hand her the key to her sobriety. Just simply my wish for her.
My wish for each and every one of you... is the serenity you so richly deserve.
Take care of you!
-- Edited by rtexas at 17:52, 2006-10-30
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
My thought is that you have grown so much and learned so much in this program that you are now in this stage of recovery where you don't feel the "need" for the A in your life. That is partly why we choose the A's in our life ... because subconsiously we realize they "need" us and we want to feel "needed".
I have followed your journey through this forum and your recovery has been a great inspiration to me.
You are an amazing man, my friend. I don't think your wife has any idea how lucky she is, the disease fogs her clarity. Many people would not be as loving, considering what you have dealt with. Many times hurt spews venom. I really respect that you are centered enough to say things like: "I tried to assure her that I loved her, and she knows what to take care of to get everything back where she wants it. Hold on to that . That's just so awesome :)
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I don't have an A spouse but if I did I would be so encouraged by yours and many others on these boards.
Someone says on here "don't leave before the miracle happens". Everyone should hear that and really believe it because it has taken me over a year and I am just starting to feel the miracle of detachment with love. This is probably the only program that I have stuck to even when I did not see change immediately. It is because I saw it in so many people here and I had to believe it would happen for me.
What a good post! I think you are doing good, hard as it can be. She's one lucky lady, you are astrong man. One day she will be able to see that again like she did before alcohol took over. And I think she just may be getting a dose of it now. Take care....jaja
All I can say is WOW !!!! What inspiration. I have been in your place "of serenity and acceptance" a time or two and it is such a "high" feeling that no drug or drink could ever ever replace.
All I can say is "You go boy" I am so happy for you.
love Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Due to other issues that have happened between us over the years, I often feel that she is not there by choice. It shows itself in her behavior.
I have felt this also. It is in part what gives me the strength to continue on my path of seperating our lives. It's sad in a way but at times when I get tired and would not do the best thing for myself I can use this to do what is best for my A. Giving us both room to grow and a chance to see what we want in life.
Have you ever talked to college parents the weekend after parents weekend? They're quasi proud, quasi heart broken. They're finding out that, by god, their kids are competent. Their kids are smart. Their kids, by god, aren't kids.
I think your wife is in the same boat.
By god, she's finding out, she's accountable for her actions. By god, she's finding out, it's not about you. By god, she's finding out, it's all you bro. You can do it. The bills are still paid, the kids are still clothed, the things are still taken care of.
Your post was too familiar to me. When my A saw the same things, that I was able to live and have a life, take care of things etc., I was accused of being "Ms. Independent." The A had his own idea of what would happend when he left. Because I had this program, I was able to "live and let live." In other words, it appeared I didn't need my A either.
The great and healthy things is just what you are discovering, you want a relationship that is not just based on the other person fulfilling all your needs, you are discovering how to have your needs met from an abundant of other resources. Way to go, this is so healthy!
Keep moving forward, doing what is best for you. To be honest, I see her comments to you as another form of manipulation, a way to guilt you. For me, I just had to continue (and still do to this day) to say to my A, "This is not what I want, it is what it is." It was the only explaination I gave to my A. It helped me from talking too much, lol. It was short and simple and the truth and it didn't give the A the reaction he was looking for. Had I gone on about how he chose to leave, this was what he wanted, how I did need him, yada yada yada, then I'd just be falling into the same old patterns.
Keep taking that next right step. Never forget that your wife has a HP that is there for her too, one that is just as much there for her as He is there for you.
That is a very healthy statement. I remember thinking that I wouldn't be able to breathe if my AH wasn't in my life, then at the same time wishing we both were dead. I was truly sick in my disease.
The turning point in the mending of our relationship was at the point when both of us realized that we did not NEED each other. We love each other and want to be together, but if for any reason our relationship should end, both of us will eventually be OK. There will be sadness, grieving and pain. But we have been alone before and made it - either of us can do it again. Independence is a very healthy, attractive thing.
Congratulations on your recovery path - it is an awesome path. So grateful that you are sharing it with us.
It is awesome to see you living the slogan "Let it Begin with Me",
ODAT,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Good post, rt. And I am always astounded by the strength and love that you show. Your kids are so lucky to have a father who shows so much wisdom and kindness. I'm sure they can learn a lot from you, on how to deal with their mother, and other A's they will come across in their lifetime. It is truly a learning process, and there is much to learn!
I, too, do not "need" my A. I love him. Plain and simple. I have lived by myself and taken care of myself and my daughter for years before he came along. I took care of myself, and got myself out of 4 really bad marriages before. So, it's not that I "need" him around. Try to explain that to someone who has never loved an A before, and only sees the irrational behavior they sometimes exhibit, and wonder why we even bother.
Keep coming back. You are living proof that "It Works If You Work It!"
I am right there with you. My A has been gone 2 weeks now and I keep wondering if he wanted and loved me or just needed a place to be. He calls sober in the morning saying how much he misses me...but at night (after the bar) he calls to let me know things weren't so good anyway. That I didn't pay attention to him...that I have no friends...that all I care about is my career. I know it's A-talk...but it is dizzying. In my opinion, he is justifying why we separated instead of acception responsibility for his disease. I guess I should fight back and say he wasn't paying much attention to me while he was at the bar every day...but I'm not going to argue with an alcoholic.
I am maintaining my distance and I wont' see him. But the doubts about the validity of the relationship is painful. I feel foolish and used...but I know he wants me to feel that way.
I think you have been very brave and examining your decision over and over again seems pretty normal to me. I'm glad you are maintaining a great home for your family on your own. That is a feat in itself for any single person.
