The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I used to believe that my AH really meant it when he said he was sorry and that he now knows that he cannot “socially” drink and party after no-showing at work, turning off his cell phone, driving our new truck under the influence and not resurfacing for days for the umpteenth time this decade. In the past I rationalized that he was at least providing a paycheck until he got laid off last year and has worked less than more in the last 14 months.
He hasn't lived with me and our 14 month old son for a year between traveling to work in another territory and a stint in rehab. We were renting the downstairs of his father's house as a favor (with strings attached of course) from his abusive father for a substantial amount of money with the added benefit of taking care of the property and eating a lot of sh*t. So when my AH decided to go into rehab (nearly six months ago), we put all our stuff in storage and me and our son moved in with my sister and her family. He got out of rehab three months ago and found a sober house ten minutes away to be close to us and within two weeks was asked to leave for his “social” drinking problem.
He stayed with us for two weeks until he was laid off again and then decided to travel for work. In the little time that he was home with us, he pulled his disappearing act several times.
He has been gone for five weeks and the day three weeks ago that I drove 350 miles with our son to see him, he disappeared again and was nowhere to be found. He had our brand new truck (registered and insured to me) that I reluctantly had let him take so he had reliable transportation. I had to drive home to get someone to drive back up to get the truck that I am now selling.
He is due to return home by Christmas with the expectation that he would move into a new apartment with me and our son and have a job the I was able to secure with a favor but he no-showed for work today will be most likely be fired for missing again and will be on his way back to us before the week is out.
He will eventually call with a story that he doesn’t know why he does this, that he knows he needs help, he can’t get clean and sober without me and that he has no where to go. I keep trying to break the cycle and set a better example for our son than was set for my AH who keeps repeating the same behaviors his father pulled with his mother but I keep failing. I keep saying that I am going to stick to my guns, but then I break down and give him another chance to hurt our family which he inevitably does. I know that I shouldn’t expect him to fail before he has, but I have been on this roller coaster too many times to not know every twist and turn the ride offers. My AH has gone to addiction counseling, he attended outpatient and inpatient rehab, he has gone to AA meetings and he has lived and subsequently been kicked out of sober houses. I have accompanied or escorted him to nearly all of the above at his request so I can better understand his disease. I do not know what else to do.
If anyone has any words that can give me the strength I so desperately need to survive yet another episode of “The Life as a Wife of an AH” I would be ever so grateful. I need to break away and be strong for my son who is just an innocent bystander in this soap opera I call my life.
I heard in a lead yesterday that a recovering alcholic, now having 22+ years sobriety, said that when his mother put all his worldly things in suitcases and left them on the front porch, he thought she was the most evil, most wicked person alive. He couldn't believe that a mother would throw her own son onto the cruel, unforgiving world. He said he knows today from being a parent that what she did was THE hardest, THE most loving, and THE smartest thing she could have done, understanding that since she couldn't help him grow up, be a man and be smart about life, maybe God could.
That was for his mom. That was for him.
Wherever your borderline is, that's your call. But as I've told artygirl 1000s of times, I've NEVER heard a lead that said "When she took me back, I was so guilt ridden I actually committed to sobriety." I HAVE heard 1000s of leads that said "When she threw me out/filed for divorce/left me with the kids, I realized I was on my own, and I got serious about getting sober."
When my A was newly sober, and license-less, he assumed I would drive him to meetings. On the one hand, I didn't really mind, and was anxious to help him in this new program of his. On the other hand, I was learning in my own brand-new Alanon that it was important for me to take responsibility for what was truly MY stuff, and NOT to take responsibility if it wasn't; and that by taking care of a problem for my A, I could be sending the message - unintentionally and subconsciously for both of us - that he couldn't actually do it without me.
So I told him that I didn't mind driving him once in a while, but I did mind driving him all the time, and I did mind his not asking, and just assuming, if he was going to need a ride.
He wasn't too pleased, but he started to ask people at meetings for phone numbers, ask if it was okay to call for a ride, etc. Pretty soon he NEVER needed me to give him a ride anymore - I wasn't too thrilled about that part myself!
But what happened, that I hadn't anticipated, was that 1. by asking for help, even in such a simple thing as asking for a phone number, he was practicing one of the most fundamental and hardest things for an alcoholic to do; and 2. by riding to meetings with people who had some sobriety, he was getting to hear program from sober alcoholics on the ride as well as at the meeting.
I couldn't have given him either of those things, no matter how much I wanted to.
Well I can definitely relate to the stuff about the truck, the life, the revolving door, the debt, the unmanageability.
Welcome to al-anon. All I can say is that it does get better.
Instead of one long miasma of bad days, it becomes one bad day a week.
The ability to detach isn't something that can be learned any other way than experientially. One day at a time.
One of the first times I was in the chat room here I turned it over and went to bed rathert han staying up half the night willing him to come home in one piece.
al anon will teach you a lot about detachment self care and more. I don't think it all happens overnight. You will not be judged here, told what to do or any of those things that feel awful when people do them to you. You will find companionship here which is often so much missing with an A. You will work out how to take care of yourself, it wont' be from people hitting you over the head telling you to leave him either.
You will start learning the three C's you didn't cause it, you can't control it etc. And whats most hard is you can't cure it.
Thank you for being brave and posting your story, it is my story as well and I have found over and over that they are all the same story. I am justifying right now. I am spending more time with the A than I would like because he is paying support and I am afraid to lose it. Sometimes our motivations aren't purely altruistic. We want them to be successful so we can rely on them sometimes. I am aksing myself the same question. I moved out 2 months ago and I am wondering when enough is enough, when is it time to just give up? What will it take for me to realize that six years of history #1 can't be erased and #2 will probably repeat itself. It truly is a daily battle although since I have moved it has become a weekend battle and hopefully will fade to even less of my time. I have learned from my six+ years that I will NEVER again trust him with my finances (putting vehicles in my name or anything else for that matter). I was thinking to myself this morning would I choose this for my 12 yo daughter because by choosing it I am in reality choosing it for her and both my other children as well. It's a struggle, I wish there was an easy answer, some magic solution but there just isn't. Every person's circumstance is different thus each individual has to make their own choice. My favorite slogan is say what you mean but more importantly for me MEAN WHAT YOU SAY!! Hope this helps you in some way, at first I thought I didn't belong in alanon but now I am greatful for it!
