The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In one of my buddist medatatives, the teacher challenges his students, "If one says incorrect things about our practices, the correct path is to take each idea and unravel it. Say 'This, this, is incorrect based on this reality.' Say, 'This, this is correct based on this reality.' Take each strand of the argument and undo it, for in each argument there is truth and untruth; it is up to you to figure the truths and untruths." As I was meditating on this, I thought "The same is true based on some of my ideas of my alcholic family." Example:
I was supposed to stop, fix, control, or otherwise appease my father's alcholism and how it adversely affected our family. As I meditated on this, I realized that I have been absent from my father's direct presence (read: out of the house) for a few 24 hours, yet he still gets drunk, still becomes vicious, and still blames me, Mom, the man in the moon for his drinking, hang overs, et cetera. The blaming was from my mother, who in her own grief and shame has never quite come to terms with how her father's drinking affected her mother or her 9 other siblings.
I was supposed to be "okay" with the love I recieved from my father when I recieved it. This included the feeling of being "the other woman" from the incest, the feeling of being a "slut" from the physical violence, and other, toxic forms of love giving my father gave me based on his needs and his demands. Because of the balence of living in our home, I was expected to "play my role"--a cross between "the family hero (over achiever)" and "the family mascot (stand up comedianne)". Because stating the obvious meant that, god forbid, we would have to confront reality or deal with the obvious, it was easier to grasp at straws; blame each other and hate eachother for our problems; explode on each other and scream at eachother; rather than taking offensive action, in sum, we took defensive, more toxic actions.
I was supposed to "just get over" the fact that the alcholism meant financial instability; emotional insanity; physical un saftey. I cannot tell you how scary it was to realize how comfortable I am in chaos. I absolutely was defensive whenever someone would gentlely confront me as a "Drama Addict." How could you? Do you know what you're saying? But then someone put it in a different prospective--what if it meant, simply, I was comfortable with chaos; instability; insanity; unpredictable moments. Well, in THAT case, of course! Isn't everyone? Today, thanks to my little apartment, I RUN from drama; yet, I find myself also running TO it. What a conundrum!
Attempts to grow and change will be thwarted by feelings of guilt and abandonment; after all, you are loyal to your family first. As I've taken it upon myself to realize that my old beliefs are no longer working--and if anything, making me sicker--my family is calling me names that can't be said in polite conversation...and telling me things that can't be re told in even the scariest of ghost stories. It's amazing how desprate alcholism, by it's very nature, is--we can't stand you being in our family, but don't you dare leave; we can't love you, you're a freak, but don't you dare love anyone else; we can't share with you our feelings, we don't know them ourselves, but don't you dare share yours....and on and on and on.
So, having shared some of MY truths I'm unraveling, what are some of yours? What are some of the dysfuntional thought processes you're seeing in your life that you're beginning to challenge?
I' m just starting now to face the fact that my enabling was partly for me. I couldn't face my own feelings should my A son be forced to feel the consequences of his own A behavior. So I covered the bad checks and ran to stop him when his wife called and he was in a blackout and threatening her, and paid his bills because I thought it would make him stable, and lied for him and didn't tell my husband what I was doing. Some of it was genuinely for him, but it was also because I was so scared of what I would feel like if he was in jail, or lost somewhere.
I lost my self respect, my closeness with my husband and lots and lots of money which has left us in debt.
I still love him, but the enabling queen has left and I am trying to get a life again. I do know I won't go when the phone rings again no matter how bad.
I do not question my irrationalities enough--I am learning, but it is very difficult for me. I have begun to question--if I don't do it who will. I have begun to let go of doing everything, b/c it has to be done--taking care of his animals, making sure he has a full glass of soda whenever he wants it (sick I know, but I used to feel guilty if I made him get his own drink-like I wasn't doing my job.), picking up after everyone in the house, taking everyone everywhere they want to go, giving everyone money for all their wants.
I am not good at any of it, but little baby step by baby step I am letting go of little things, which I hope will lead to letting go of bigger things.
This was a great thing to think about. Thanks for sharing!!!! I need to think deeper I know and I am sure I will find some major things I am not dealing with!
