The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have considered a trial separation from the a wife. All she wants is a place to drink and smoke without any intrusion. Her efforts at getting a job are less than sincere and she refuses to go back to detox, rehab. She is certainly in the final stages of alcoholism. I love her and we have been together 25 years, married 18.
She wants to stay in the house but if that happens she will never get better. I feel like I am enabling her if she stays here. I pay the bills and would have to pay for an apartment and expenses regardless of who is there. Getting her to leave will be very difficult. Should I feel that I am giving her ‘tough love’ if she moves out or a heal for making her leave?
I guess the perfect follow up question is, what do I expect will happen when we’ve been separated for 6 months. She will most likely drink no matter what her environment.
I am fairly new to this post,i came here with questions too hoping someone out there could give me the answers i desperatly needed to know,no one can tell you how your wife is going to react being away from you for 6 months as everone is different ,and also how bad you wife wants to get sober,but i will tell you my story because there can be light at the end of the tunnel.
I literally had to remove my h from our house in may,we have been married 36yrs ,the last 5 i can only call absolute mayem,due to drink,we lost everthing,i did this because i knew if i didnt change things i would not be here today.
He had to go into a salvation army refuge ,he had no one or no where to go.it is here he reached his bottom,he comes to see me and our new grandson every saturday.
I, the last month i have noticed a massive change in his attitude,he sits ,talks about what has happened reolizing his problem,denial well out the way,going to AA ,huge regrets.
I feel sure if i had not took these steps to look after me,and left him at home nothing would have changed.
I hope your wife finds her sobeity,and you find peace,i thank my hp that my h has found his recovery,and may it last.
I was right where you are 6 months ago. It getting bad with AH, because he was mixing his meds w/booze and instead of passing out he was acting erratic. We had tried separating the year before and he went to a half way house etc. Problem was he was still drinking. He then ended up at the YMCA and after he got kicked out, I let him back in. I set the boundary about no drinking in the house. Problem was, I didn't enforce it. I enabled him (not buying booze) by making excuses for him. I kept telling myself that he's a chronic relapser and eventually he'll get it. Well he didn't get it until I kicked him out. It was one bad week and I had finally just had enough. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. However, it was the best thing I did for myself. I wasn't afraid to come home and wonder what I would find. He almost set the place on fire and that was the last straw. I knew that I couldn't live with an active A. I never will again and he knows that. I don't have it in me. I compromised my quality of life for his. I will not do that again. I will not die for his disease. I had to take my life back.
He did stop drinking but I really don't know why. He was at a friend's house (a recovering meth addict and A) drank for a few days and then laid down. Never took a sip again and his kidneys shut down. After a week in the ICU I brought him home. He was in a bad state. I don't know if me kicking him out precipitated his sobriety. I won't give myself that much credit. But I do know that whatever happened HP definitely had a hand in it, and a big one at that.
When it comes down to it (as hubby reminds me now): they have to be ready for it. Addicts want sobriety, but there is something that doesn't make them ready for it. They want sobriety, but something blocks them from getting it. It was hard for me to understand until I listened to other recovering addicts in AA meetings.
As for expectations, I didn't know what to expect. I just hoped and prayed for his sobriety and for mine. Now I take it ODAT. So does he. I do expect myself to keep working my program. My recovery is about me and for me, regardless if he chooses sobriety or not. If your wife does find recovery, please keep working your program. The dynamics of living with a sober A changes. I cling to my program now more than ever.
Love and blessings to you.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I don't know how to answer your question. But I had all the same thoughts and did nothing about it. Of course, I did the best I could not to enable and keep the focus on me, but read your post again.
How do you feel? What is your quality of life like? What is best for you? That sounds very selfish, but she is in control of how she feels, what her quality of life looks like to her and ultimately is the only one who can make decissions about what is best for her. When I started to look at things that way, it really isn't selfish to allow another to be in charge of their own life. Right?
I still feel wholy responsable for my wife, like she is my child. But even my child (who is 21) resents it when I do that to him.
I wish you luck and happiness. Like always take what you like and leave the rest.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I know many husbands in your age group who have wives that do not work and that are supported solely by their husbands.
Is the problem that she does not work? Or is it her drinking? Or her smoking?
You mentioned all of those things and for some people just one of these things would be grounds for separation. Yet, some people can tolerate all or a combination of these things just fine.
You need to separate these issues for yourself first. If she stopped drinking and still did not work and smoked would that be OK with you?
Are you just trying to find a way to force her to stop drinking by threatening to throw her out? Usually we think we are being subtle but we are not. If you force your wife out to try and manipulate her into going into detox she may not be happy about it and it may be the end of your marriage.
If you have just had enough and want out and don't care what happens...whether she gets sober or not, then that is a different story.
Either way...why are you trying to force HER out? Why don't you just leave? If you are worried about your house in a divorce you will probably lose it anyway and it will be sold and the profits divided between you.
Just my two cents...trying to force, cooerce, or manipulate people into detox mostly backfires and comes back to "bite you". People get well when THEY want to and are ready.
Most adults don't take kindly to being manipulated and coorced into doing something they don't want to do and may cooperate, out of desperation, in the short run. But when they get back on their feet...well...watch out for payback, it can be brutal from an addict or alcoholic.
Try to separate these issues here. If you have had enough then YOU move out and work the house etc. out legally.
Here is one personal example that is personal to me:
My mother allowed my brother to live with her and didn't set any boundaries for him. He took advantage of her, used up all of the money she had, set the house on fire, would regularly verbally abuse my mother to the point that she was frightened of my brother...so frightened that she attempted suicide to get away from him (and because she couldn't bear the thought of tossing my brother out onto the street).
My brother's condition got worse - until the alcohol actually destroyed his mind and body. He was a black out drunk - and also began to have epileptic seizures. He'd fall, crash cars, etc., which left his body broken - because he had no money and refused to go to the hospital or dr.
He ended up SSDI living in the projects for 20 years until his condition got so bad that he had to be placed into a nursing home. At 68 the alcohol has affected his brain and body so bad that he has to be fed and doesn't remember anyone.
