The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I come home today from one job to go to another job. I will only have a few hours to rest. I will be working all night long at a very very stressful job. I am tired, I am cranky I am worn out. I do not need to have another plateful of stress.
The A has crashed so many cars. He has two cars in the driveway which he is waiting to fix. One needs a great deal of work on it. The other is operable but needs a new transmission. He uses my truck which he has rendered totally unsaleable. I cannot sell it now because he has dented it so much and because now there are so many violations on it. He has a speeding ticket he has to pay which has already gone on it.
Every other minute has to have some chaos going on. At the same time he tells me he is working night and day but he never has a penny, not one single penny ever.
His mother moved two weeks ago and gave him a couch, he's left it in the driveway as he did a sideboard. And of course none of his sidekicks who I know are here in the daytime who watch MTV on my TV while I am out working one or other job I have none of them are asked to move the stuff indoors. So in the driveway is his disabled vehicles and the couch and sundry electrical equipment.
So I come home today to find a notice from the code inspector of a violation total $500 for vehicles and stuff in the driveway. I just asked him today to move the stuff. He said he would not have time to move it. I can ask him 101 times but he never does anything I ask ever.
Remember to keep the focus on you. And also remember the slogans Keep it simple and how important is it and my ultimate fav LET GO AND LET GOD. I know it is easier said than done. Just know you are in my prayers. Keep coming back
LAuren
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~life is like a box of chocolates you never know whatcha gonna get~
((()) Maresie you are under a lot of stress right now and coming home to the mess in the driveway is only depressing you more. Is it possible for you to get someone else to move them or are you likely to suffer physical harm if this happens? If he doesn't move them will someone actually come and take them and charge you for it? Have a think about what would be the best outcome for you in this. By the way how is your Plan B going it sounds like a lot of people are taking advantage of your good nature at the moment and you are the outsider in your own home. Maresie you need to put yourself first. Luv Leo xxx
I feel so bad for you. That must really really hurt to work so hard and have your partner act like a rebellious teen, only making more work for you.
The ESH I can share is what I did early on in my marriage when my husband had the audacity to behave similarly. I absolutely refuse to ever support a man able to work. If he is so sick he cannot work, then he needs to get some disability payments.
It is tough to motivate an adult whom you cannot "punish" or ground, but there are other methods.
I tried the "tough love" approach I read about in a book. The ideas were supposed to be for rebellious teens, but they worked fine on my husband.
Basically I stopped buying any food at all when he did not want to work or contribute to the household. It cost just a tiny bit more, but I kept single servings of cereal and milk in a locked room in my home for my daughter. I picked up a cheapo $1.00 breakfast on my way to work/college. This was a LOT cheaper than buying food and an adult eating it all up and not contributing more! My daughter ate lunch at school and I took her out for cheapo taco bell types of meals that were less than $2.00 each. Once again, this is cheaper than buying food for an adult male who just eats it all. I stayed away from the junky meals, no fries, and got extra tomato and lettuce on our burgers.
On the weekends we ate at my Mom's, where I contributed groceries and helped with the cooking.
Anything that I saw that he used and I COULD lock up I did. I locked my TV, stereo, CD's and food up in my room with a lock on the door. I put the lock on myself. I just bought a lock at Kmart and read the directions and put it on. I am not "handy" but if you can read and write, you can follow those directions and put on a new knob with a lock.
You can put the TV in a room you can lock up while you are at work.
Take away any incentive your partner has to have his no good friends hang out at your place.
Also give him the motivation to WORK and have some things of his own.
Living like I did was certainly an inconvenience, but worth it. I figured he would either get with the program or move out, LOL. At first he moved out, then about a week later he showed up with lots and lots of cash in his hand to contribute towards the household.
From that time forward he has always paid at least half of the expenses around here, and most of the time most and now he pays all of the bills himself.
I don't know where he got that stupid attitude, maybe from that song that goes "let the woman take care of you...". HAH!!! When pigs fly!
For me, I would rather be alone than be stuck with a bum who does not work or contribute. I did whatever I could to get rid of my husband when he acted like a bum.
I have found that a lot of men today are used to women not having any standards for them, they will see how much they can get away with.
My husband actually SAID to me "Why should I give you any money when I could live with my other girlfriends for free?". UGH!!! I sent him packing BACK to them (and we were MARRIED), LOL. I actually threw his clothes out of the window of MY house... I sort of "evicted him" for such blatant disrespect, but that is another story, LOL.
Anyway, that is my ESH about how I handled a husband who worked but did not contribute.
Goodwill and other charities will pick up large donations, maybe you can donate the sideboard and sofa to a charity that can come and pick it up? You will get a tax break also.
Sell the junk cars if you can to a junk dealer. Or, if they are his and he wont' release the title, call the police to report a junked vehicle "abandoned" on your property and let him deal with THEM if you say you did not give him permission. Abandoning a junked vehicle on someone else's property is against the law in most states, if he also legally lives with you, make sure HE gets the citation.
((((((maresie))))))
Please remember to take care of you somehow in this situation.
If you are renting, maybe you can let the lease expire and move out and not take him?
It's hard, but the most important thing that you need to understand is the fact that you have no control over what he does or doesn't do - so stop trying to get him to change. Stop trying to get him to do anything.
Why are you allowing him to drive your vehicles when he's ruining them? He's an adult and can find other transportation.
Since he isn't fixing the other vehicles - have them towed to a junk yard. They'll pay you for the scrap metal & they'll actually tow the vehicles free of charge.
Have the junk yard pick up the sofa, too - or ask Goodwill or Salvation Army to pick up the sofa.
Then - consider Isabelle's experiences. Remember, you only have control over your own actions.
I'm sorry you have to go through what you are going through. Please put the focus on you and take care of yourself. You don't have to support him, you can't change or control him, so focus on you and what you need and what is acceptable to you. You are in charge of you and you deserve more than what you are receiving. Believe...
