The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I posted earlier about how my husband burned his camo sweatshirt jacket that I had worn. I used to always try to be nice about things, and try to smooth things over with him, but ever since I went off my antidepressants, I have just cut loose. It may be a good thing, or not. Hard to say. But, I've really opened up.
Before, I would have just been hurt and cried, and called him and say "Why did you do that??Waa..."
But this morning, the more I thought about it, the madder I got. So, I called him at work, and the first words out of my mouth were "What are you, a frikin' IDIOT!" Not like me at all to do that. He was very passive, apologetic on the phone. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that, I shouldn't have burned it. That was a dumb thing to do." And meanwhile, I'm screaming "OH, do you hate ME so much, you wish I WAS DEAD, and you don't want to burn ME UP, because that would be MURDER and then you'd really go to JAIL!!!!???? And you never put the blame where it belongs...on YOUR ALCOHOLIC BEHAVIOR!" Oh, yeah, I was on a roll. And it was only 5 am. Good thing we don't have close neighbors. He was just stammering and stuttering on the phone, I think my new anger is scaring him a little. He just kept telling me to calm down, that he was sorry, to try to have a good day at work, and that he loved me. Ohh, I was so mad, I just hung up on him. But, the difference between the old way, and the new way, is, in the past, I would have been hysterical, crying, called off work,and been depressed all day. I am learning that it is OK to be angry sometimes. I was never allowed to be angry when I was growing up. That was bad. I never learned to resolve conflicts. I have trouble with authority figures. I have trouble setting boundaries for myself. In looking back over my life, I have allowed myself to be in a very uncomfortable place with members of the opposite sex. I don't want to get any deeper into that subject right now, but it all boils down to having problems sticking up for myself. But, I am learning.
Thanks to everyone for your prayers. I appreciate them more than you know. I just get so angry at all the destruction alcohol leaves in its wake. It is like a black tide that just keep rolling and tearing down anything good, anything right and just. All the broken lives left. All the lives taken. Sometimes I just want to cry until I can cry no more over it. Today I held back tears all day at work, I was just so angry. I am calmer right now, and on my way to the craft store. I need to get some beads to make for my 15 year old step-granddaughter, who I have not seen in many years. I think she will like it, and it will make me feel good to give a gift to someone who loves me and appreciates me. Someone who will not trash the good I have in me. And I am a good person, no matter what the alcohol says about me, sometimes.
It is sad what happens to stuff and people too. I can certainly understand your frustration. I hope you have a much better evening beading for your GD. I bet she will love it!
Only had a minute and have to run, but couldn't leave without letting you know your feelings are safe with us.
Take real good care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Wow gal, you really expressed your feelings in a big way. Venting is a good outlet, but not always profitable when aimed at the alcoholic. I guess I'm a little bit confused on how this was a boundary for you. Boundaries are suppose to protect us, even if from us. We do live in the wake of much destruction from the affects of the disease of alcoholism. It is a disease to hate in a deep way, but not the people it affects. In working the steps of Al-anon I have learned to rage with my sponsor before attacking the person with my words that I felt deserved them. I hear what you are saying and can understand that you do not want to be a doormat, but I don't think you want to have to be vicious either.
Is there a reason you went off your antidepressants?
You said in your post that you have trouble resolving conflicts.... My understanding is that in resolving conflicts there should be a win-win solution. Keeping that in mind helps us to set the standard for resolving the conflict. And yes, you are a good person, just hurting at the horrible irony of this disease. Q-tip comes to mind..... quit taking it personal.
It is sad that he needed to react in such a way as to burn the jacket.... God only knows what this diesase does to their thinking.
I'm glad that you posted on the board to reason things out for yourself. I need to do that more myself.
Part of taking care of myself had been understanding that I don't have to be stuck in what I can't change all by myself and for that very reason I'm taking an antidepressant which I am very grateful for... it does help to give me some balance in the hectic paces of life.
How wonderful that your grandaughter can bring some sunshine into your life!
Well, no, I'm not proud of myself for letting him know how I feel. However, I have gone for years and suffered silently, not even letting me know how I felt. I think this is healthier. Maybe he needs to hear it from me once in a while. Maybe I need it to keep from getting an ulcer, or panic attacks again.
Went of meds due to weight gain, and doc and I thought I was ready to handle things without them. They really zone me out, and I've tried a lot of different ones.
I hardly ever speak the truth in front of my A, because for 1 he doesn't listen, and for 2, he's always drunk, almost always, so I'm afraid to rock the boat.
Maybe I just need to speak up for myself more. I know conflicts are resolved with win-win for each side, but it seems the longer I live with an A, there can only be one winner. Mostly me, or mostly him. Not both. But all I know is I gotta take care of myself. I love my husband dearly. And he knows it. And I think he uses it against me. Who knows?
You said... "Well, no, I'm not proud of myself for letting him know how I feel."
Why not?
If you don't like the way, you said it.... well, ok. But I certainly don't agree you shouldn't be honest and express yourself. If you feel he is not treating you right, you should say it if you feel the need to.
I spent way too much time stuffing my feelings and like you it came out like a volcano when she really pushed or did something outlandish. I don't like that in myself, so I am trying to change it, but it's hard.
Keep on trucking girl. You are in a very difficult situation, and the saying is "progress, not perfection". Don't get down on yourself, we have your back.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
thanks, all. rtexas, you got me on that one....poor choice of words, I was pretty much ranting at the time! I meant to say I am not proud of screaming at him on the phone. I'm sure he had to hold it an arm's length to prevent eardrum rupture. THAT I am not proud of. But, yes, you are so very right again! I need to learn to let my feelings out and express myself. Stuffing them has made me a very sick person. But I need to learn the "say what you mean, but don't say it mean" thingy.
But, you know what???? After so many years of stuffing, yelling feels kinda good.
