The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Since our seperation a scant 5 days ago, there has been panic attacks about being alone, threats of suicide, tears and begging to just work out her sobriety together and finally she has already said she is getting to not want to come home and wants the number to our EAP so she can contact a lawyer. <sigh>
I am worn out. I have had time to mess around with our 11 yr old and kept in touch with family members. Done a lot of reflecting on my part of getting here.
What better time to work on the 1000 question worksheet my sponser gave me on step 4. LOL
Her decissions and the spining thoughts in her head right now are just simply something I can't help her with. I have told her daily that I love her, which now pisses her off.... but hey, I do.
I caught myself in a holding pattern today wondering what she was going to be thinking tonight, and if it might be in the right direction or not. But then I thought, why am I doing that. She will change her mind hundreds of times before sorting out her own stuff. Why am I trying to coaks her into the right direction. That never worked when we were living together, why would it work now?
I guess I feel like I don't care if I let her deal with it alone, but that was the point of this. Dealing with it together was driving me insane. So there has to be some middle ground. When I find it I will let you know... LOL
I have decided I just really need to work on me right now, and try to keep in touch with her without trying to force her hand. That will be tough, but I don't have any other ideas at the moment.
So wish me luck... looking at me should be a riot.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Hmmmm.....you may want to pick up TWO big chief tablets and a whole box of number 2 pencils to answer all those questions!!!! he he he.
I heard a member in my ftf meeting last thursday talking about learning to let the A's in her life "twirl away" like hurricanes as that was just what they were going to do regardless of her wishes or desires. The trick she learned was to stand in the eye of the storm, where it was calm and keep the focus on herself.
I really liked the visual of it!!!
Eventually those hurricanes just run out of steam. Some sooner than others. But, that is their deal. Our deal is to focus on being in the eye where we are safe.
I have so much respect and admiration for you! I can relate to how hard this is for you and for me too. I am so thankful we have this "family" to share with and gain encouragement and experience to help us through these times.
I loved the posting about the hurricane too ... the mental picture is great! I can use that!
Hey! You're doing ok, honest! Ya know, a very wise man once said to me: "My struggle (my ulcer) comes from worrying about what I "know" she will do. Is that crazy? Why should I fret over a forgone conclusion?"
I've been there, just today! I don't know if the doubt EVER goes away, but do you know what???!!!! After putting myself through all this today, he finally called me, and low and behold-I got a real shock!! He's sober as a judge!! ( maybe moreso!)
He got his daughter to call me to tell me he and his friends decided to stay in a motel because it is so miserable outside. #1: That CONVINCED me I was right, and he was drunk! ( his daughter can't tell as easy as I can that he's been drinking), so I was SURE he was! Well, after spending all day "working on my ulcer", he shocked the daylights out of me! OMG!! He's sober!! (so far, so good!) I can't help it after all these years! Maybe he will drink as the night wears on, who knows?? (The trust issue), but, I do have HOPE!
RT, never give up HOPE. No matter how bad things seem to be, keep faith, HP is working on it, in his own time...in HIS own way. He knows where you are headed, whether it is with your wife, or without her. I know you love her, you have certainly shown that! Trust in HP, He knows what is best for you and your children. It might be with her, it might be without her.
I have been through a very nasty divorce with a man I once thought I couldn't live without. It was very, very hard on all of us. I have been through Hell and back with my A, probably will be a few more times.. but now, my kids know I am 90% happier than I ever was. Don't worry, HP is there for you, all you have to do, is stop and listen... He will show you The Way your life is to be, but...He will do it in His own time.
It sounds like you are doing a great job of detaching with love... it doesn't stop the pain, but allowing yourself to let go and give your AW the time to sort out her own mess that she created gives you time to sort out your own mess. I think you are right in feeling like there has to be a middle ground to getting healthy and finding peace and sanity. If it didn't work together, maybe you both will find it apart. Only HP knows what trials your AW will have to cross and they are her trials to bear, just like you have yours. The advantage for you is you have program and a bag of tools that she does not have right now. I'll continue to keep both of you in prayer, so that maybe one day she will be willing to learn some of those tools for herself. Keep taking care of you, you are doing great.
Hugs,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
(((rtexas)))) ((((rtexas son))))you may not feel like it right now, but from where I sit, you are a tower of strength. You have detached with love. You tell your wife everyday that you love her. Hmmm.
It seems like everyday, I am the one who tells my AH, that I love HIM. Maybe I should just not say it for a while, and see how long it takes him to say it first.
I have been doing a lot of thinking too, about where I've been ,and where I'm going. I haven't written anything down yet, but it seems like in all my relationships, I have been the "giver".
You are doing a great job turning your wife over to her HP. Someday, she just may realize how blessed she is.
I have not been posting very much but have been following your trials. I do feel for you and what you are going through. About 15 years ago my X (not an A) walked out the door and left for good. A gut wrenching experience, many sleepless nights, but eventually things did get better and I was able to proceed on with my life. I know you will be able to do the same as it is obvious that you have a lot of strength along with tons of support from everyone on the board. Keep on doing what you are doing. Best Wishes
