The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My daughter was critically injured in a car accident. Her best friend was killed and my daughter and another friend were in bed, wheelchairs, cruthes, surgeries for over 2 1/2 years. Physically my daughter can now walk and is doing ok. Looking back i suspect that she became addicted to drugs durring her recovery from that accident. She was on methadone and dilaudid for pain for over a year and a half. She has also experimented with street drugs and has been diagnosed with PTSD.
I have had to detach from my daughter in the last year as she would not get professional help for her problems. The last episode was she had been arrested for domestic abuse, she hit her live in bf durring an arguement and was arrested. She had a restraining order placed against her and was not to go near him. Hence she moved home. Strict boundries were set, she was not to be near him period. She was to go to work and contribute to the household and go to her dr appts. This was not the first attempt at her moving back home. So the boundries were set clearly!
I went out of town and durring the week I was gone, she quit her job, missed appointments and had her bf staying here. When I got home we were having a discussion about what was going on. I turned to go into another room and she gave me a good shove. I told her sorry that isn't going to work here and u will have to find somewhere else to live. She had gotten physical in the past with me.
That has been a while ago, my guess last April or May. I have seen her, but she is angry with me and prefers to stay away. She has a very different version of this. but that is her story.
This whole situation has been painful. Detaching from my daughter knowing that she is going through the aftermath of a terrible tragedy. I want to make it better...but we are past the bandaid stage. She is going to be 22 soon and must work through this on her own terms, and In my humble opinion she needs profession help. I was her caregiver after the accident, but soon turned into her #1 enabler. ugh...
My parents were both alcoholic and so is my brother. My parents have passed. I have 5 siblings. We are a diffention of disfunction. All 6 of us agree on this and that is about the only thing we agree on. Slowly and painfully the fighting parties are making peace with each other. Although on a social basis I do not spend alot of time with any of my siblings, I talk to all of them and I try to get along.
My brother has just found out he has lung cancer. He has just mended some fences with 2 of my sisters. This has been a blessing for all of them and a cleansing. I am grateful. I think he now wants to help with my daughter and my situation.
We were having a phone conversation and he started to talk about my daughter. How she had been at her current job for a few months now and was really doing well. Then he went on to relate to me how I needed to lighten up. Pointing out a few things that he had been told I had done which were not true. I started to defend myself and then stopped...I pointed out to him he didn't know what had gone on and what had gone on, I felt was none of his business. and I really didn't want to go into it with him, because it upset me too much. He started to make fun of me...saying I was acting like my dad...I just didn't respond and got off the phone.
I could not believe how upset I was. He had stung a couple of nerves..I have let the acusations my daughter has made about me sit...not defended myself...Have thought over and over again what she says to others is not my business...She is in pain and hurting...Hp help her... Still it is not easy.
Secondly when we were kids and our mom was on the war path...She would say ...Why can't u be like_______? or Your just like _______! Both were negative...both ground in the idea your not good enough.
So I am finding myself puting the two together...I know I could have been a better mother, my reactions to my ex's addiction in the house made me hard to grow up with....Why couldn't i be like______.
My dad could be mean spirited and very reactionary...he had all the isms....my brother and he did not get along at all....
I am acting like dad ...Your just like him.....
ouch!!!
I prayed and meditated about the problems with my daughter. I tried to talk to her. I tried....
All of these things are making my head scream the slogan let go Let God!
I think Hp is pointing to acoa issues...telling me to spend some time on them...It is just so darn painful..guess i will take a good look at step one today...usually where I need to be when I am this upset.
I'm so sorry you are going through all this. I think you are very wise to "let go and let God" in the circumstance. I know you feel awful pain and I don't think I have any words that can make it better. Except that we are all here for you, and that we care about how you are, and what you are going through.
your post touched me, and i am glad that your daughter survived the accident. that is something to be very grateful for.
i have a 22 year old daughter also suffering the consequences of alcohol and drug addiction - just charged in september with a second dui . so young, and so difficult as mothers to let them go. especially when they are so determined to stay lost. and still so dependent on us as parents for guidance and support. my a daughter is currently in rehab, inpatient, 30 plus days clean and sober. grateful but concerned about her release and return home. thank you for sharing your boundaries, and thank you for taking the time to share your story.
my husband and found that with our young a, the best results come from having many adults who care about her (family members, our friends, counselors, attorneys, etc) send her a straight message - it's about STAYING out of trouble, not GETTING out of trouble. she won't always listen to us as parents, but enough strong adults send the message, she sometimes listens.
i keep telling myself that at such a young age, they have time and a lot of youthful strength and stamina to find the right path. i pray that both of our daughters do.
Those precious daughters - sometimes I can long for the days of tea parties, dress-up and baby dolls. But they can't stay there forever and your right, we do have to give them to a HP - for He knows what is best.
I will join you in prayer for your daughter and also will send thoughts & prayers for you,
ODAT,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I can only imagine how you are feeling right now. I do believe by you ending the call with your brother that was your own safety mechanism of a boundary. I also find that when I am caught off guard by another’s behavior and saying nothing in response that is how my reaction was infact to be. Meaning by me saying nothing and I was not meant to reply any differently –that was indeed the response I was to have at that time.
Perhaps pray for your brother, (he is ill in more ways then one) and also for yourself, Hp is making you stronger (((((Carol)))))
I went through something similar with my daughter...and I can relate so much so that I actually re-lived the pain I went through. I guess everything is still raw for me.
Please note that I'm also an ACOA - and so I'm working those issues in addition to working the issues with my daughter.
It's really hard to know that my daughter had gone around saying that I was an abusive, bad parent. The only thing that kept me sane through her lies were my friends who were able to tell me about my mothering in an objective fashion (I was a single parent since my daughter was 5). Like I said, it only kept me sane - I still tend to blame myself for how my daughter turned out.
Before my daughter and I reconciled, I thought my heart was going to rip right out of my chest. I missed her, I worried about her (watching TV and listening to the radio for news that she was in some sort of accident or drug bust - or waiting for the cops to appear at my door telling me that she was dead).
I learned a lot during the time that I had detached from my daughter. It was painful - but if I didn't hold up my boundary - I knew that things would just go back to the way it was. I held my boundary firm - and my daughter and I began to talk more and more often. My daughter is now 24 and living with me again while she completes her college degree.
I'm here if you need someone to talk with. I understand your pain - and I really do care.
I know for me whenever I would hear my mother or father say these things what they were really saying was that "I love you as my child, but I wish you were more like that child, I like them to be my child too." OUCH! That's dysfunction!
I think something that's helped me is that I've come to find out that both my parent's homes were violently dysfunctional and alcholic. There was little emotion or love expressed. They had parents with terrible mental health problems themselves.
I have never found "reasons" to be "excuses" for behavior. But I have "reasons" to be "background information" that frees me to gain new prospectives on resentments, fears, hurts, and grief.
I am sorry you are going through this. But you have a lot to be proud of. You have set boundries with you daughter and stuck with them. That takes courage. You work your program and you are to be commended. I learn a great deal from you. Remember you are doing the best you can and that's all we can do. You did the right thing with your brother too. Give yourself a break and be gentle with yourself. That's all we can do.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Still it is not easy.
