The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am so very hurt,irate,and confused. I do not know what I want anymore. I am tired of my life always being so challenging. I cannot form lasting relationships with anyone, not even with alanoners. I am scared I will be let down once again, and I don't think I could bare another let down. I do not even have a partner at the moment or a boyfriend or a best friend anymore they have faded away along with all my hopes and dreams. I aspired to one day be a writer,a doctor a lawyer, and maybe even a Psychologist. Do I think about those now? sometimes in my dreams. I love to sleep because when I sleep I dream. I dream about a far away land where there is no sorrow only joy,but then I wake up and all these happy feeling are gone,and then I am brought back to reality.
I am not even sure I believe in a god anymore. I was raised Catholic went to Catholic school, made all my sacraments,but I was not happy I was always searching for something concrete. and to believe in a god is to believe he is in the air, believe he is in your heart believe he made the universe, but I cannot do that anymore. It would be a total lie. I want to believe I really do,but where was he when I wa being molested by my dad multiple times,and where was this so called god when i cried out for him to save me?? it is hard to grasp all of this pain at once
I cannot even put it into words sometimes. I am soo scattered all the time. I do not know what I want anymore. I know I just want to sleep forever and be kissed by my pronce someday. haha but that is my fantasy world I live in. It is easier than saying I am a child of 2 alcholics
I have dreams about my mom. The way she was before the disease took over her. I want to say she was a wonderful mom,but even then my beautiful blonde haired, skin white as snow,and eyes black as ebony was already showing the isms. I was too young then to realize that she was already drinking. I think maybe I could have prevented it, but i know deep down inside I COULDN'T and that goes to I am powereless over her actions and whether or not I was good kid was still not going to affect if she drank or not.
I wish my little brother could remember her when she was a good mom. All he has is hatred toward her,but how can I blame him i do too,and always will,but she is my mom. It is funny because I used to babysit for a family about 5 years ago I was 13 then. This family was soo nice to me,and the funny thing is I told them about mom(mind that i already lived with my ggma and gpa now). The family wanted to adopt me. I was soo happy because I was already lying to people that she was mom just so that I would not have to tell my dirty little secret. Sadly, my grandma did not let thema dopt me. I hated her for years after this,but now I thank her because then I would not have the chance to tell my mom how I feel about her.
I did not talk to my mother for years until about 2 years ago. I was mad at her for leaving my brother and I are our grandparents. I am glad she did because she knew she was spiraling down ,and that the disease was overpowering her. She made one good judgement.I just wish things could be different now. I want to live with her,but I cannot. Seeing her drink enrages me,and I just cannot do it again for her sake and for mine.
As for the present I am currently working and still living with my grandparents. I did not get to finish HS at my Catholic school because the first semester of my senior year I attempted suicide. I missed a lot of school being in the hospital so my school decided it was best I stop attending. I was mad,but glad at the same time because my depression at this point as soo bad that i could not get up in the morning and go to school,and when I was at school I was crying non stop.Rumors even got started at my school that I was pregnant lol
well I am going to go for now
Lauren
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~life is like a box of chocolates you never know whatcha gonna get~
Dear one, you are so in my heart. Even when we don't hear from you, I think of you, and hope, more than anything, that your dreams will someday come true. I wish there was something I could say that would make all the sadness and anger go away. There is not; except that keeping this anger inside eats away at all you love. You are not going to change your mom, and you are not going to change the past. But you CAN do something about the future. No one can keep that from you but yourself. Keep yourself focused on what you want from life, and don't be surprised when it happens!
With great caring, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
You are not alone, and we are all here for you. Everyone gets confussed with life at times. It is not simple out there. When I feel that way, I have to get somewhere quite and calm myself. Take deep breaths and try to focus on just one thing. And decide how I will deal with just that one thing.
Please keep posting, know that everyone here loves you and will be here. Let us know what you need.
Most of all, Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Reading your post I saw many "I wish" in your message. We all at sometimes wish that things were different, but the cold honest truth is that wishing never accomplishes anything, and if we let it continue, it just makes us bitter and eats at our soul until there is nothing left.
I can't tell you what to do, only you can figure that out but I know for me that once I got to the point to where I could "accept people for who and what they are" I started getting better. I may not like what these people are or what they did but that is who they are. When I let go of the resentment, put it in my God box and left it alone I felt freedom and that is a wonderful feeling.
Sometimes I still think about the past but after letting my HP have it I don't feel as much pain, resentment, anger or dissappointment as I once felt.
HUGS
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
Do you have a mirror that you look in every morning when you get up? If so, please put up a sign that says,
"You are beautiful, I love you, God"
Even if you don't believe it - it's ok - "Fake it, til ya make it" - hey it couldn't hurt right? Why not try something different? If you are not sure about who your God is, you can borrow our's, or change it to MIP - because we do think you are beautiful and we do love you and we are very glad that you are here with us.
One foot in front of the other - it will get better - Sweetie, I would love to tell you when, but I don't know when, but I do know that no matter what you and your HP will be ok, even better than OK.
be good to you for you are the only You we have and we like you!!
One day at a time,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
My thoughts and prayers go out to you. You have a great deal weighing on your heart. Keeping all that stuff on you is bigger than you. I hate that you have had to go through so much pain at a young age. Life might seem bleak and hopeless right now, so try and hang on a little longer, long enough to let HP show you a good day. You are talented and bright even if you don't believe that right now, keep talking positive to yourself. Those that were supposed to protect you could not... there illness took over as you said. This does not mean you are doomed to walk a life of misery. Reaching out is scary... keep reaching out to us, we are all hear for you. Keep writing whatever you can get out of you do it. That pain and emotion has to go somewhere. Use your poems and journals to help you heal. Keep in touch with us.
Hugs to you,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I too think about you so often! I can't imagine the pain you feel. There are so many sayings that would help you to ease the pain. You are a strong strong young woman, I can see it in your writings, you are intelligent and bright. You are more in touch with yourself than most people your age. I truly believe that great things await you. I believe this because I believe that we are right where we are supposed to be right when we're there. That people that have hard burdens become great people! You don't ever see anyone who has went on to become great and caring doctor or counselor that didn't have burdens that seemed unbearable at the time. I believe our HP doesn't give us more than we can handle, case in point, YOU MUST BE SO STRONG!!! I use to think I had so much drama in my life, living with my alcoholic husband, four teenage sons, craziness was around me all the time. I was working as an admin. assist. at a treatment center and was chatting with one of the counselors about this. I said it's just crazy! I want it to be calm! I want to be settled and content! He looked at me and said soemthing close to....."maybe that is not what your life is supposed to be" "embrace what your life is now" When I stopped fighting it, (sometimes I slip and try to fight it...LOL) when I started accepting this is who and what I am right now, because there is a bigger plan for me, my HP has great things I can't even imagine planned for me, my life became easier for me. Know how many people care about you! Be gentle with yourself!
It's okay to feel down, confused, etc. because life can be hard and challenging.
What I learned is that I sometimes needed help. I got help by going into individual counseling. Through counseling and anti-depressants, I was able to cope with the more challanging aspects of life - and was also able to see the beauty in life.
It was only then that I was able to invest in relationships and working toward what I wanted to do with my life.
Be patient with yourself. Hold tight onto your dreams - because they CAN become real someday.
In the meantime, please consider what you need to help you get through this rough patch...and know that we're here and we care.
Oh honey, I have so missed talking to you...sorry to hear the sad state you are in right now...the thing is honey, you do have the power to pull yourself up....it lies within you.
Maybe your mom wanted you to live with your g-parents so you could have a better life...maybe that was the best thing she could do for you....maybe she knew that she couldn't take care of you the way they could.....who knows honey....everything happens for a reason......
Please try and stay in touch...miss you...love you.....you are a young beautiful person and deserve much happiness.....there is a whole great big world out there just waiting for you to step in it.....
I'm going to take a bit of a different curve in my post and I'm sure it won't be popular. You once told me you respected me because I say it like it is, so here goes.
You've been around MIP for about a year, maybe more? Have you got a sponsor? Have you begun the steps? Rarely have I seen you stay in chat for a meeting but you come back when they are over for the fun stuff. You must work this program for it to work for you.
It's easier to stay where you have been and where you are then to do something about it, but you are the only one that can make the choice to step up and do what it takes.
I am not judging you, it is just my observation that if one truly wants recovery, they have to begin somewhere.
You're a very smart young lady Lauren. I think I can speak for everyone when I say we wish you recovery from the pain. We wish it for everyone here. But we can't do it for them.
Christy
-- Edited by Christy at 18:37, 2006-10-24
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
The program works if you work it. That's the bottom line. So please, find a sponsor, get to your meetings and do what you have to to take your life back. It can be done. There are many examples here of people doing just that. Recovery is hard work. But it is so worth it.
Live strong,
Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
