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Most of the time when I am trying to communicate something to my A son I feel like I cannot do it without sounding mean and controlling. I try to say it without sounding like that but as I hear myself, it does sound like I am angry. I guess maybe I am angry at him most of the time. It has to do alot with expectations. It used to be that I could not depend on him doing something that he said he was going to do sometimes. It is now becoming that I can never expect that he will do something he says because he is forever not following through. I am starting to accept that now and it does relieve alot of wondering whether he is going to do what he says...I know he is not. I think that is where my "saying it mean" is steming from.
I have decided that I will not involve him in any family functions that are important that he be there if he says he is.
Example: Sister-in-law died last week. He was suppose to go to the funeral home the day before the funeral. It was for 2 hours in the afternoon and 2 hours in the evening. He was to be a pallbearer for the funeral. First...he could not make it to the afternoon viewing because he had to work for a few hours. Said he would be there for the evening viewing. When it was almost time to leave for the evening viewing I called him. He said he could not get away from work. He was drunk. So, then I had so much anxiety of wondering whether he would make it the next day to the funeral. It is just not worth the suffering I am putting myself through. I have got to figure out some boundaries about his involvement in mine and the rest of my families lives. I do not want to cover for him and make excuses for him anymore. He is an alcoholic and you just cannot depend on an alcoholic for anything. I am finished with expectations!!!!!!! It will be so much better in my life to just let them go.
So sorry about your family's loss. Life and the events of life, both happy and sad, go on with or without the A's involvement. I am where you are some of the time. My son can be depended on "usually". It is the "usually" that throws the cog into my brain. I, too, am always wondering if and when he will fail. So it makes for lots of anxiety if you let it.
I have done better recently with the "I cannot control it"....I know I cannot. I am not so good with the "I did not cause it" ( I keep searching for what did I do wrong and beating myself up when I hit upon some negative in myself and they are plenty). I am also not so good with 'I cannot cure it" because again I seek solutions to all problems with logic and determination. That just doesn't work here.
I think of you daily, knowing of our similar situations. And daily I try to take whatever this particular day brings. When it brings good things, I rejoice. When it doesn't, I try to cope. Not easy. And you are right on about being angry. I KNOW I am madder than heck about how our family life has evolved. A year ago we were on cloud nine with lots of things; now....well, we try to cope. Anger solves little but keeping anger at bay is almost impossible lots of times.
So sorry for the loss of your sister-in-law, also sorry that the disease kept your son from being there for you in your time of need.
When my step-dad passed away a few yrs ago, my daughter, Ashley, wasn't able to be there either - it was always some excuse - she even called me the day we were making the arrangements wanting to complain to me about some drama in her life. It's always about her.
Selfish, self-centered, and self-seeking - I think that is what the Big Book talks about the disease of alcoholism - doesn't help any with our pain, does it?
Sending ((hugs)) and comfort your way - do whatever you need to take care of Gail, you are special to us,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
One of the most effective tools I have found in the "Saying it mean" department is journaling. And I mean journaling till there are no more words. Just sitting down and writing till I'm all written out. And not censor myself. Until I'm all finished, I just keep writing.
And what I've found out as I've written, and written, and written, is that generally speaking there are some decent reasons why I'm angry, upset, fearful, emotional. I've had a past experience indicative of of a reason to be. I've had something happen in the past that has given me good reason to feel the way I do. And as I'm writing, I'm letting my mind wander. I'm letting whatever come out come out.
Example of "getting out the mean:" I remember vividly I was doing an inventory on family holidays--why I went, which holidays I participated in, where I went, what I wanted to happen and what actually happend, and how it made me feel. One of the holidays I was inventorying was the fourth of july, and how emotional it was; all it was was a huge drinking holiday for my family--from the moment we got together from the moment we left it was drink, drink drink. And this year (thank you god) I didn't go because of school--so my family took the time to guilt me and shame me for not being a part of the festivities. So as I'm inventorying, I realize why the pattern of hating the fact that I "had to go to this" family reunion/drink a thon/4th of july holiday was so painful: nothing changed year to year. It was the same people; same conversations; same issues; same dysfunctions; same resentments. And I don't want to be in relationships with peopel who cultivate pain for me. You all taught me in these rooms that I don't need to create pain for myself; I can have relationships with the people in my family who are loving, supportive, kind and giving, and not have relationships with the people who are backstabbing, hateful, malicious and maleficint. So, now armed with this revelation, I gave myself permission to persue relationships with the family members who were kind and loving; not the whole family.
Hello Gailey , I have found that saying it mean only makes me feel worse. I can't take back those words . Having any expectations that a practicing A will do what he promises is just too painful . I believe they mean to keep the promise but disease always gets in the way.
There is no reason to make excuses for your sons behavior . Simply say u don't know why he isn't here and leave it at that. turns out they know were lying anyway . We don't have to give people the nitty gritty stuff just a simple I don't know u wil have to ask him why he isn't here , works.
As long as we continue to cover up thier mistakes and make excuses for thier crappy behavior we are enabling . When we stop they are responsible for thier own behavior and believe it or not u will feel much better about you. Stepping aside and allowing them the dignity to grow up is painful for all concerned but Absolutley nothing changes til " Someone changes "
