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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> responding instead of reacting
Post Info TOPIC: responding instead of reacting
annmarie


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responding instead of reacting
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Hi Everyone,


I have learned in the past week that I need to try to respond rather than react to myA. I have been confused with detatchment and boundary setting in the last while.


 I have been unwittingly "reacting" to his behaviour and thought I was, in doing so, making my boundaries clear to him. I now realise it got me nowhere. It only gave him more fuel to row and taunt...


However, I now know that I need to curb my reacting, and I have been doing well with this. I'm not sure about responding appropriately though....I'm still unsure how to handle this really.


I've joined a gym, so as to help with my recent anger, as well as to help improve my own self worth. I hope this is a good way forward. Also I'm trying to keep the focus on me and my reactions. I'm going to as many meetings as I can.


In fact, I don't seem to have much time at the moment at all to focus on his behaviours.


I'm looking for reassurance and guidance really. I've made so many mistakes in the past.  Is there anything I'm missing?


AM     


 



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rtexas


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((((AnnMarie))))


I think you are doing great.  Nobody is in exactly the same place in their recovery, and you are making good steps and taking care of you.  Looks like a plan to me!


Take care of you!



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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
just me


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AnneMarie,


I still have issues with this too.  I sat and listened yesterday while my ex A said some really mean and untrue things about me in mediation over visitation with our daughter.  My al-anon mentor told me not to react at all.  That reacting only fueled the fight.  However today I feel humiliated and in need of justifying myself.  I want to scream at him and let him know that everyone sees his shortcomings.  That he is an A with many problems and if he would stop always focusing on me and blaming me for his problems that maybe he would see the elephant in his own living room.  But I have learned that this only leads to more stress and more hurt feelings and more discomfort for our daughter.  So I am here instead.  Getting it out on the message board so that I can have a better day today.  Having faith that my HP will get me through yet another court hearing we have coming up.  It just gets uglier and uglier and I am tired of it.  So tired of his accusations and his rediculous demands.  Do you ever just wonder why?  Why we have been dealt this hand in life?


 


yours in recovery,


 


Julia



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Rita G


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((AM))


Progress not Perfection - those mistakes in the past - you were doing the best you could with what you had.  You are working toward a better way.


Hang in there & Keep that focus on you - sounds like you are doing an awesome job.


**Julia, read your reply to AM - hate that you are having this difficult time - Remember, just because he says it doesn't make it true.  Hope that things will start to look better soon for you and your daughter**


One Day at a time,


Rita


 



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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK - teamwork.gif
annmarie


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thank you everyone,

I needed the reassurance badly.

rtexas, thank you for your kind words.

Julia, I can identify so much with what you say. How hard it is to say nothing when every instinct is telling you to stand up for yourself, how it feels so wrong just to let them spew their BS words and to not react. This is a really hard one for me. And, yes I do have to wonder sometimes how this life was dealt to me. I refuse to become embittered - thats too destructive of me, I think. Instead I'm praying so hard and constantly trying to stay focussed. I'm following the wise words of seasoned al anoners who have been through what I am going through. I have great faith in this programe and have to try my best.
I notice that since I stopped reacting (this is really tough for me), and this is only a few days as yet, the rowing has stopped. He picks for rows as ever but I don't allow him any fuel. I'm getting there....I think....I hope! I really wish you strength for you and your daughter. At least your daughter will grow up knowing you did the very best you could to protect her from the madness of it all. (I wish my mom had the strength you have when I was a little girl!).....long story!

and Rita,

A rock as ever. Thank you for your constant support and helping me through.

You are all in my prayers
AM

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