The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Thanks to everyone who helped me through my anger episode last week. I followed your advice and went to a meeting yesterday evening. It was extremely helpful, and I'm arranging to get to another one this evening. I had been slipping a lot on little things lately and needed to harness my behaviour. Lots of little lapses ultimately lead to a relapse. I've made an appointment to have an induction session at the gym and hope to expel my anger that way.I'm going to start going regularly and want to get fit again. I'm also putting my faith in HP a lot more now, and I haven't been as angry this week I'm happy to say.
I stayed at my sisters at the weekend and babysat her gorgeous little girls....we made cookies! Great fun!
My Abf went out. I came back on Sunday morning. I could't believe the state of my apartment. It's ground floor. He had left the big front window open all night. Where I live this is a very foolish thing to do. The mess was unbelievable, a vodka bottle ( I don't allow drinking in my apartment!), remnants of burnt food, some of my things broken where he must have fallen on them. Cigarette ash etc all over the floor and so on....And that's just the living room..... He had gone again by then....
I was so sad that I just cried and cried. I then set about clearing up the mess. I went to the meeting in the evening and when I got back he was at home, in bed, passed out.
At the meeting I was advised not to react to what had happened. So, I said my serenity prayer and bit my tongue.
This morning I said "good morning" and made him a coffee as if nothing had happened. I know that surprised him!! I continued to be polite, and didn't mention my upset.
I've decided to let go of it, not to mention it although it feels very strange to do so. The thing that bothers me is the open window, and his obvious lack of concern about the safety of my apartment. Surely I can't allow this to go on??
I'm trying my best to detatch and not to give him any fuel for a stupid row, but I feel it's trivialising this by not pointing it out to him...
Meanwhile, this morning he had no clean clothes for work. They were on the floor where he had left them....His celphone wad dead....he had no money....no cigarettes...and he was sick....I almost felt sorry for him..
How will I get round the security of my home issue I wonder.
How frustrating for you to come home to that big mess. I'm with you on leaving the window wide open. In this day and age we just can't do that in most cities. I can see how you might be torn between saying something about the mess and then letting it go. If you are fine with letting it go then that's enough. The safety issue may be another thing. You may have to put some boundaries on that to keep you and your apartment safe for you. If your BF doesn't really care about his safety that's his business, but you do need to care about yours.
I often feel in Alanon the slogan Detach with love and Let Go Let God can get confusing for people, especially when fighting for boundaries and self-esteem has been an issue. I know for me I've let go so many things that my A did when he was drunk that I just felt was appalling and disrespectful. It ate me up inside because really what I wanted to do was stand up for me, out of fear of abandonment or losing love I stayed quiet. I know now that letting those issues go and not standing up for what I believe and stating my uncomfortable feelings paved the way for him to naturally feel it was o.k. to take advantage of me. Today I don't let stuff like that slide, even in his sobriety. I may not be able to control how he wants to spend his time, money, or take care of his things, but I can control what I do with mine. If he infringes upon my values,beliefs, or begins to control how I live I can't just ignore it now. In the past that has been a major factor that played into the victim role for me. You do what you feel is best, and remember to always be safe and protect you and what you value.
Living life one day at a time,
Twinmom~
__________________
"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I'm glad to hear you're renewing your commitment to yourself. That's so important. I'm also glad to hear that you're going back to meetings. That's also very important.
We can certainly agree that the a's in our life sure know how to make a mess! Of course it is how we handle thoses messes that makes a difference for us. It sounds like you were true to your feelings when you saw the mess. You were sad and allowed yourself to be sad. Also you were probably quite angry but made a choice to go to a meeting instead of flaring up at abf again. Also a good choice and yet still being true to yourself. I know I can maintain my sainty the best when I give my HP the chance to remind me what is truly important to me and that is to be true to myself, my feelings, my boundaries, my actions. When the a is sober is the time to discuss how you feel without exploding or judging the a. Also it gives you enough time to determine what boundaries you want to make for yourself and what you are willing to stick to.
Glad to hear that you went to a meeting and plan on continuing to do so.... alot of wisdom in the rooms of Al-anon. I really think you answered your own question and you did very well!
