The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband died of a brain tumor about 7 years ago. His emotions were out of control due to the tumor and meds he was on. A lot of the time he was unreasonable. I suffered a lot of panic attacks that seemed vaguely familiar. Once, in particular he was haranguing me about the venetian blinds. I started to panic and went and sat in the car and cried for about an hour. I didn't know a body had that much moisture. I couldn't yell back at him. He was sick and that was why he was behaving that way. The way he was behaving was the same as when he drank. And the way I behaved was the same as when he drank. That is, I internalized everything and stuffed my emotions for a different reason, because he was sick. I didn't realize what caused these emotions until after he died and I was at an Alanon meeting. I had been reacting to him as I did when he drank.
A point I am trying to make here is this incident made me realize all the more that Alcoholism is indeed an illness just like a lot of other illnesses. It just manifests itself differently. The other point was that those feelings had become alien to me. They had not been a familiar pattern in years mainly due to recovery in Alanon and the help of beloved Alanon friends. Those were feelings I thought I would always have to deal with when he was drinking but lo and behold 20 years after the fact, they were so strange I didn't even recognize them or why I had them.
I hope I have not expressed myself too badly. My desire is to share my experience with those who are still suffering from the daily living with an alcoholic. It does get better even though it seems I may have forgotten my early lessons in Alanon. However reading some of the posts has caused me to remember once again.
Welcome to MIP for some reason your post reminded me of one of my favorite poems. For me, it was so profound what a difference my life became when I learned the word "no"
yours in recovery, Maria
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Angela's Word
When Angela was very young, Age two or three or so, Her mother and her father Taught her never to say NO. They taught her that she must agree With everything they said, And if she didn't, she was spanked And sent upstairs to bed.
So Angela grew up to be A most agreeable child; She was never angry And she was never wild; She always shared, she always cared, She never picked a fight, And no matter what her parents said, She thought that they were right.
Angela "the Angel" did very well in school And, as you might imagine, she followed every rule; Her teachers said she was so well-bred, So quiet and so good, But how Angela felt inside They never understood.
Angela had lots of friends Who liked her for her smile; They knew she was the kind of gal Who'd go the extra mile; And even when she had a cold And really needed rest, When someone asked her if she'd help She always answered Yes
When Angela was thirty-three, she was a lawyer's wife. She had a home and family, and a nice suburban life. She had a little girl of four And a little boy of nine, And if someone asked her how she felt She always answered, "Fine."
But one cold night near Christmas time When her family was in bed, She lay awake as awful thoughts went spinning through her head; She didn't know why, and she didn't know how, But she wanted her life to end; So she begged Whoever put her here To take her back again.
And then she heard, from deep inside, A voice that was soft and low; It only said a single word And the word it said was... NO.
From that moment on, Angela knew Exactly what she had to do. Her life depended on that word, So this is what her loved ones heard: NO, I just don't want to; NO, I don't agree; NO, that's yours to handle; NO, that's wrong for me; NO, I wanted something else; NO, that hurt a lot! NO, I'm tired, and NO, I'm busy, And NO, I'd rather not!
Well, her family found it shocking, Her friends reacted with surprise; But Angela was different, you could see it in her eyes; For they've held no meek submission Since that night three years ago When Angela the Angel Got permission to say NO.
Today Angela's a person first, then a mother and a wife. She knows where she begins and ends, She has a separate life. She has talents and ambitions, She has feelings, needs and goals. She has money in the bank and An opinion at the polls.
And to her boy and girl she says, "It's nice when we agree; But if you can't say NO, you'll never grow To be all you're meant to be. Because I know I'm sometimes wrong And because I love you so, You'll always be my angels Even when you tell me NO."
Source: Barbara K. Bassett
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
WOW Maria...that poem was me! I can only be very careful that I am not trying to do that to my own daughter. She does tell me no often! I try not to stifle her independance. But sometimes she is very stubborn for a 5 yr old.
Bluegrassgal I was the same way you were. I would sit and cry and cry. My mom made fun of me for it. When my husband left me I sat by the door and cried for 3 days. I kept expecting him to come back. I had wiped my eyes underneath until they were raw. A friend took me to my doctor who said..."You have cried enough!" Boy was he wrong! I still cry allot. I read on this site that tears are liquid prayers. I think they are prayers of hope for us to be able to survive. I also have flashbacks. I think that is fairly common. I sometimes dream about the chaos with the A. I think it is our subconcious working things out in our mind.
Keep coming back bluegrassgal...it works if you work it.
for some reason your post reminded me of one of my favorite poems. For me, it was so profound what a difference my life became when I learned the word "no"