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Can an A be an affectionate person? I have been doing a lot of thinking. Lack of simple affection is a real issue for me. It causes a lot of problems for me. Maybe I'm too defensive and self protective to allow affection. AM
Sure they can. My AH even when active was an affectionate person, although more times than not he was passed out. But I certainly believe that they have the capacity to love and be loved. All humans do. Their disease may not allow them.
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
my ah was super affectionate. drove me nuts! i guess growing up an only child i just was never that comfortable with constant physical contact. my ah was the oldest of 7 and they are a very huggy family. i would get to the point of just wanting to feel like a seperate human being rather than constanly holding hands or having his arm around me. but that'sme and my family very rarely hugs or touches each other. i guess it's just what i'm comfortable with (or without!)
You said "...Maybe I'm too defensive and self protective to allow affection"
I will tell you that growing up in an alcoholic home, my basic instinct to keep me seperated from the disease was to withdraw. We lived out in the boondocks and that was easy. We had a hay loft and I used to go up there and read alot.
I found in my marriage to my AW that as her disease progressed that I did that to her too. When she was only binging on weekends and sober during the week I was more affectionate with her because I was able to recharge my batteries a bit.
Several years ago, she was drinking to the point of really being drunk 90% of the time I see her. Every day after work, and every evening of the weekend. I only get about 8 hours a week these days that she is not intoxicated.
She complains often that I just don't show her any affection or provide any romance for her any more. I agree, she's right. I am respectful, polite, helpful.... but I don't deny that I am less passionate than she would like. I simply can't fake it that well.
I am glad you brought up the topic. I have been digging into that for myself for some time now.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
