The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been trying to help someone get access to the board for a couple weeks now (I have emailed John, I know he has a lot going on right now) Anyway she can't get an account right now that is the problem. She emailed me today and with her permission I am posting her email so that she can get teh benefit from the whole group and not just my voice. She has been reading our posts and does get help from them, hopefully soon she will be able to post herself So here is her post:
I met my A about 4 1/2 yrs ago, after having been abandoned by the guy I was with for 4 yrs. I felt awful, scared, all the things you feel when abandoned...mostly I guess I felt worthless. Then I met my A....he was younger than I by quite a bit and made me feel like a human being again. I will admit I did see some red flags, but figured hey, I was having fun and this wasnt going to amount to anything more than a fling....I guess I was lonlier than I thought, cuz here I sit 4 yrs later and I feel worse now than I did before I met him. I suppose in some ways I am fortunate for he is not a mean or abusive drunk, he is just a drunk. Over the years, promises have been broken, along with my heart and my hopes...and I just get deeper and deeper into it...I wrote off my friends because I was embarassed and ashamed of him, and even more so of myself for being involved with him...yes, I did fall in love with him..the man behind the bottle...he has promised over and over again to stop drinking, you know, because he doesnt want to lose me...and i of course believed in him, over and over again....we have been through a lot together, good and bad, but mostly alcoholic. As I said, I keep reading the posts and I am learning through all of you about detaching and just giving him back his own problem. He has been sober for 30 days now and just tonight he told me it almost wasnt worth it because I wasnt all excited about it...I told him that yes I was proud of what he had accomplished and hoped that he was proud and proud enough to keep going...but that I could not allow myself to be excited because then I would be taking an active interest in his Aism, which I cannot allow myself to do because then it just brings back all the worry and anxiety and mistrust etc. that goes along with it....he didnt seem to get it, but I guess I shouldnt worry about that either, except of course, that I do cuz I love him and dont want to be "the reason" he throws his 30 days away. I know people have gone through worse than this and I will admit that I almost feel like I have no right to complain or take anyones time talking about this, I feel too that I put myself here and I should just take it....I know that this program is to help us not feel that way, but when does it actually happen?? I never know if I am coming or going anymore ya know? Some times I want to just run away, from everyone and everything, just start over where no one knows the mistakes I have made and therefore cant pass judgement on me....Im sorry for rambling, its just that I dont have anyone I can talk to...I come from a long line of a's and enablers and codependents and we just dont talk about it, because then it would make it real
-- Edited by Dolphin123 at 21:25, 2006-10-09
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
First of all welcome to our family and I hope you can get in soon we would love to meet you. Your problem is just as important and valid as anyone else on this board it is creating chaos and an emotional rollercoaster in your life. If your A breaks his 30 days no one is to blame especially not you. Every action has a consequence. I am sure Dolphin would have told you about the 3 C's, post it somewhere that you can see it to remind yourself. If possible shift your focus from the A to yourself. Do something you get enjoyment out of so you have some mental down time when the going gets tough. I recently went to an online meeting here and it made me realize how important it was and how much I missed the love and understanding of those who attend these meetings. Reach out there are plenty of us here to catch you when you fall. Above all remember that you are a kind and loving person who deserves happiness. Go treat yourself to a facial or massage if you can afford it your well being is just as important as your A's. Thinking of you. Luv Leo xx
(((((LILJeannie))))) <=== these are hugs by the way
Welcome to MIP. This place and the wonderful people who are here are truely a gift. I hope you get access soon so you can participate easier.
My AW has not been sober for more than 5 days in the last 5 years, and I don't say that to compare to you at all. But she will always make her struggles mine to own in some way. The amount she drinks, her happiness, her ability to show others compassion are all somehow contingent on what I do or say. If the sun is too hot or too hidden.... somehow it's all my fault.
They say A'ism isn't just drinking, it is also a real brain changing disease. In the first 30 days (and some say up to a year) the drinking may have changed, but the thinking will likely not. I see it as the defense mechanism. They grow so used to dodging reality that it's hard not to. I did that too for a long time, just for different reasons.
So be gentle with yourself and remember, it is his choice to make this brave step towards recovery. But it's also his choice to keep it going. If it was all up to you (and me) it would have happened long ago. Right?
So glad you have found this place. It has been a godsend to me, and your addition will make it even stronger.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Welcome to the MIP family!! We are so glad to have you as part of our family, at the same time hate that you have been affected by this horrible disease. Together we are here learning to take care of ourselves, to walk the path of recovery, to help each other.
No problem is to great or to small, for if it matters to you, it matters to us and most of all it matters to your Higher Power.
As for 30 days sober and still unhealthy behavior, my AH is 3 plus years sober and the past 4 months we have been dealing with pre-recovery behavior that has resurfaced. It has not been easy, but I am grateful to have had a program to help me get through it and most of all to let him suffer the consequences of his actions. To know it was not my responsiblity to "save him" or "fix" the problem. YEAH!! - That was very freeing for me. (believe me, it has taken me 3 years to get where I could do that)
I hope the computer issues are fixed soon & you are able to communicate with us - until then try the Serenity Prayer, 3 c's & and take good care of you - You are special and deserve to take care of yourself!!
Don't give up before the miracle happens in you - You deserve it
Learning to live life, Happy, Joyous & Free - One Day at a time,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
