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I am a member of alanon, and my spouse is in recovery. We both are involved in our programs, and it literally has saved us both. I have a question regarding 12 step recovery retreats. We have never attended any retreat until the last month. My spouse attended a 12 step retreat. Anyone in a recovery program that was specifically asked by a host could attend. I thought it would be great for him, and never really thought twice about it. I believe it was good for him, but I am very confused about the secrecy of this whole thing. He is not allowed to discuss any of the weekend with me or anyone else, unless they were in attendance. WHOA-needless to say I am extremely frustrated and confused. Anyone have any experience with these type of retreats??
Yeah, actually, I know for my retreat that generally for one it's to preserve the privacy of the people involved in going and those planning. It's also to make it special, that there are surprises and fun things, so it's to make it fun.
I think in general whenever it's a "secret" affair, it seems bizarre, but for my retreat what was really going on was that it was an invitation only retreat, and it was women of the same sponsorship family--that they all had the same grand sponsor, sponsor sisters, et cetera. It was that they were all "related by recovery" and that the retreat was to "seal the bond." Also it was to preserve the integrety of the recovery--retreats in our area had become such "social affairs" that the goal of gaining insight into recovery had gotten lost, and as a result, it was basically paying money to play for a weekend, rather than working on the relationship with one's higher power.
I wouldn't get too concerned. The reality is that when I came home I could have honestly told you it was 45 women over 2.5 days talking about themselves and how they were working to deepen their relationship to their higher power. And if your husband never tells you what goes on at this retreat, maybe that's okay too.
A woman in our f2f group went on some type of retreat - it sounds a little different from this one, but basically the same idea. She wasn't supposed to tell what went on, but she has shared some of the techniques and games they played - mostly fairly helpful stuff. They just used different ways of getting at underlying emotions and attitudes.
I wouldn't worry about this too much, unless he keeps going back and it becomes an obsession. If that happened I probably would be angling for my own invitation so I'd know more what it was all about. If it's just a one time or occasional thing, then it's just a reminder to keep your nose out of his recovery.
That is a hard thing for me to do--keep my nose out of his recovery. It seems that his recovery is linked with my own. I think you are right about the retreats, however. I think they are "private" more than "secret" because you can not really tell someone about a spiritual experience. That is something that has to be experienced. Retreats try to create a spiritual experience.
12 step retreats can make a world of difference in one's recovery. I attended Heart To Heart in October. It was a woman only retreat but included AA, Alanon, NA, Naranon and overeater's Anon. We aren't supposed to share many of the details of the retreat simply because it is a retreat that deals a great deal with the "inner you". Once you share those details you are sharing a private part of yourself and not everyone is able to do that.
Hubby and I have attended two retreats this hear one of which was this past weekend in Tahlequah Ok and it was great. There weren't many Alanon members there but that did not seem to make any difference in their acceptance of us. We heard an awesome Alanon Speaker on Saturday. If you ever get a chance to hear June C from Bixby Ok speak by all means plan to attend. I listened to one of her speaker tapes quite a few months ago and one little thing she said in that tape helped me tremendously. She said "I have heard many a AA speaker tell their story and have yet to hear one of them say I WAS SAVED BY MY MAMA". That one part of her talk helped me to turn loose of my son. I knew then that he would never be able to progress in his recovery with me on his back and I would never be able to progress in my recovery dragging him along behind me. After she spoke on Saturday I was blessed to be able to sit and talk with her and her daughter for quite some time.
I have found that people often come home from a retreat riding on a cloud and often times something they have heard has changed the way they feel about themselves and has also given them much hope for their recovery. When you hear a speaker tell their story you realize that you are not the only person that has experienced the things you have gone through and in a lot of cases what you have gone through is a walk in the park to a lot of others.
Hearing a speaker tell their story can also stir up emotions that you haven't dealt with yet but the fantastic part is that you have a world of support at the exact moment you need it. Being frustrated that you can't be a part of what he experienced is natural but it is also a learning experience for you. Each of you have led seperate lives in your recovery and at some point you will accept the fact that you do not necessarily need to know every little thing that goes on in his recovery. The important part is the recovery, how he gets there is his and not necessarily yours.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
I know for myself, this particular retreat is not for me. My A and I have worked very hard at recovery both separately and together. My intention was not to pry into his experience of the weekend. When he came home, it appeared that we all of a sudden had taken differant paths in recovery. Our communication stopped, and that really scared me. He attended a follow up meeting the next weekend, where there was a request for him to make a committment to this group and hold an office, set up the next retreat, work their program. If this is something for him Great! But I know for me I will stick to the AA principles and work my own Alanon program.
