The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Let me start off by saying that I really need to go to a f2f meeting, but there are none in my area! I am .. I can't even find the words to describe how I feel!! I am ANGRY!! FRUSTRATED!! There is no word powerful enough! I just want to know HOW... How does an A justify in their minds the pain and humiliation they cause??? My A, as I have posted before, cancelled my credit card and left me with no way home. He is living it up since I'm not around! Doing his usual strip clubs.. drinking/using. He promised me on the phone 2 days ago that he would not go back out.. stupid me believed him. He did.. him and 2 of his friends. They were at a strip club and one of the friends lost my A's truck keys.. and guess what?? Someone stold his truck. I wouldn't be upset at all except I had packed my bags with all my clothes and my jewelry, including a ring my mom left me when she passed 8 months ago, and they were in the truck. My bags were in the truck because a few weeks ago when he kicked me out,I packed my bags and decided to go back to my hometown.I was using the one way ticket I had bought last time he kicked me out. Then he decided he wanted me to come back so I left my bags there. I thought I would buy a return ticket in a few days. Well.. as I said before, he cancelled my credit card, and left me with no way home.
I am an idiot... I should have realized along time ago that he doesn't care about me... only himself. He tells me when he isn't using that he loves me.. but you know.. actions speak louder than words. I am so angry with him right now that I'm at the point of hate! Which is so unlike me.. I don't hate anyone. How could he say he loves me, and then go to a strip club?? I know I am rambling.. I'm just so confused.. and so very hurt! I know I should forget him... but how do you forget someone you love? Thats right.. I hate him and love him at the same time.. crazy isn't it. My mom loved him... she saw something good in him. I guess thats why its so hard for me to let go. The ring she left me probably wouldn't be worth alot if sold.. but to me it is priceless. Now its gone... it was the only thing she had to leave me. My mom was my world.. I really miss her.
Oh my gosh... I'm out of control! I'm going on.. and on. Sorry... Thank you all for letting me ramble.
I am so sorry for your loss. Keep coming back and little by little it will get easier. I wish I had something profound to say that make it all better. One step at a time. Which doesn't sound easy at the moment.
I found this by googling Kahlil Gibran who talks about love and hate being the flip side of a coin with love on one side and hate on the other. One of my very dear friends and I were talking about this yesterday. I hope it helps you.
Please don't beat yourself up. Come to accept that your A is an A. Set your boundaries and keep them. Detach with love (this is for you). Don't trust him. Don't have any expectations.
yours in recovery, Maria
"Far from being opposites, love and hatred are so closely similar in their qualities that many people find it difficult to seperate the two and end up flip-flopping from love to hate and back. Or worse. A couple begins in love and ends in hatred so bitter one may even kill the other.
There are two distinctions I know between the two, which can help you choose your path.
Choosing one set and it will surely lead you towards love and choosing the other and it will surely lead toward hatred.
The two points of difference are acceptence and forgiveness.
If you can find it in your heart to accept another for who they are, no matter how you like or dislike them, and if you can find it in your heart to forgive them their actions, no matter how appealing or odious you find those actions; then you can *choose* love over hatred for that person and that person could be any one.
This is how couples so deeply in love over come the limits of being human for seventy-five years of living day in and day out with one another.
It is a key to loving unconditionally and it also is a key to hating without let, but most importantly it is a choice which you can decide for yourself."
Source: http://tribes.tribe.net
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
i have heard that the oppisite of love is indifference. which is far more determental to a relationship than hate. when i no longer care then there is no point to continue with the relationship.
focus on how good you are doing! your post talked about what he was doing but then you talked about how YOU were feeling about it and you looking for a solution as to how you can feel better. that is awsome! what you are going thru is hard. it really is and you are dealing with it. i am so sorry to hear about your mom's ring. i have had similar things happen to me and i don't know what to tell you. i just keep reminding myself that it was a material object and all the love and memories associated with it are still within me. i have written about some of the important things i have lost or that were stolen so i still have a record of how important they were/are to me. i really think you are doing great in a really awful situation. keep comming back....
