The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was just thinking and feeling as I was writing to Jaja, about how much the A and my sickness are the same.
When he first would leave or I would make him go, I could barely go a day without calling him.
We did the back and forth stuff with out moving anything, did the back and forth and he would be gone a night or two. Then he moved everything out and would come back partway.
Each time he was gone longer. I was not in alanon long enough to realize it was the aism, not him. I kept doing my best to work on it as a "normal" person. Making excuse as if it was his tinnitis or it was the headaches from the surgery.
Took him to OHSU, took him to the VA, to the ER. Just tried everything. Then realized it was aism.So began the time of getting him to rehab.
Then alanon taught me so much, He would leave and it would get longer and longer. Then he disappeared for almost a year. It got harder and harder to want him to come back. The hope got less and less.
This went on since 1999. Then I finally got to where I "knew" he was not there anymore at all. Was pretty horrible. I would see him and feel sick. Could drive away and not care. Took a bit but it was like he was no longer inside that rotten body.
He had to get himself to rehab, he had to get sick enough to die. I had no hope at all at his living sober and ok again.
Then he goes to jail. I did not write. The only reason I went there was for him to sign the power of attorney. He tells me he does not want a divorce. I did not understand. He told me he has always loved me.
I left feeling strange. Did not go back for awhile. Then went back and he was getting cleaner, clearer. Sent me a nice letter.
Went back again and he is about 100 days clean, is the man I married. Says things, talks AA talk, I am feeling unnerved, scared, hard to believe he is still alive. I feel the deep love we always had since we were teenagers.
He tells me he will get out this one day and wants to go see him mom and will call me to come get him. Says there is no where else he wants to be but with me.
I kept asking are you sure?
I get home and in a day or two I get this beautiful letter from him. I have not heard him or read anything like this from him since his brain surgery in 99. I gave in, I drank my first drop, it was good.
He is out, I don't hear from him. I put posters alll over town. I hear of where he might be. I find him. He is in an apt with this old girlfriend of his.
I wanted to throw up. He was not him anymore. He is not cheating. It is not that. It was he is gone again.
I get so upset I sit in my van with all the windows shut, over 100' and get very, very sick. Just felt life going away. makes me cry now to remember. The disease had me in a place I had never been. I just could not take anymore. I could barely move, was so emotionally and physically sick.
I don't know what got me going. But I did. Bad time. Saw him one more time after that. I just could not understand how the disease could do that, I had forgotten who my A was inside there. Now he was there, he is not just a rotting corpse, sadly the aism pulled him away from me.
I have not seen him or talked to him since. I have no idea where he is, no one has seen him.
I don't look for him. This last bout was way too much. The disease kicked me for the last time. I don't have another one in me. Told him that too.
I know what it means that the A must feel all the pain, the loss, the sickness, lonliness, homelessness, everything to make it easier to get well than to stay with the using.
It is easier for me to be alone, be lonely, long for my husband, eat alone, work alone sleep alone, live alone, than to go back to him. go back to my drug of choice, the A.
Even if he is in AA for years, makes no difference, with him, the reality of the disease is just a drop of alcohol, or one pill away, is enough for me to work hard not to see him or talk to him.
If I want to live I have to stay away from him, remain sober and on a program away from him.
It is so sad to me, that my passion, my happiest thing in my life, makes me so very, very sick. Not unlike the A who feels the same about using.
I would think, how can I marry the man who drank his son's whole life away? Did not pay child support, did not take him anywhere, did nothing as a father. How can I marry the man my daughter hates, for how he hurt me in the past?
I gave up my home I bought, gave up my own personal security, just like the A, nothing was more important than him.
Like the A, I lost about everything. It is only becuz of Alanon that I have a home, my animals and a life.
When I say Alanon, HP is right there on top.
Like the A, yes I crave him, want him, dream of him. I wake up and make myself get on my program. I get up and feed, straighten up things, build a shed, put up a fence, work HARD. Play HARD.
If I don't, I will be going door to door hunting for my disease, my A. I KNOW I would. My drug of choice is somewhere out there. The obits tell of friends passing. So many of my and his friends have died the last three years. Two just last week.
Everyone says they won't be surprised when it is my A. I will be, I cannot help it. He is my drug of choice, how can that go away? He has my heart, he always will. Just like his drugs have his.
Anyway we say we are addicted to the A, but have we really thought about how we can play reversies to better understand where the A is?
I tell ya, it has opened my eyes.
I am alone here. I don't cry every day now. I don't feel like I want to yet. The world is really tough to be alone in.
My darn disabilities make me have to stay home. Besides the physical stuff, I cannot handle the anger, the hurry hurry of the world.
I trust hp. And there is not a day I don't feel warm in my heart about something. A pet pig walking for the first time in years, a fearful horse following me all over. A pet Yorkshire piglet leaning her big old head on my thigh with her eyes closed.
My new grandson smiling, my daughter holding him and being such a good mom. My son working hard at keeping his marriage and family together. Calling me so excited becuz he saw a black bear in an apple tree.
Flowers coming up that i have no idea where they came from, a new puppy.....
Beautifully put wise one. I am right where you are. The ism has taken my hubby away too. I have to realize that. I am a love addict and he is my drug of choice. Very unhealthy for me. But after so many years of marriage I know it is not just an addiction but I do love the man dearly. I allow him to put me thru hell.
I too look for those small things that make me smile. My kitty Spot and my two dogs.
It sounds just like AA except with your A's name instead of alcohol or drugs. You are so right, they are our drug of choice! Your post really brought it home to me, after all these years wondering why I stayed through the 'Hell Times'! So many times, I prayed for the strength to stay away from him, just like an A prays for the strength to stay away from the alcohol or drugs. I am no stronger than he is. Now I understand why we are called 'sick' too, why I keep taking him back.
Although at this time, the A isn't hurting me, I feel I will understand better if/when he 'uses' again, and what a struggle it can be for him. I also know he can not be cured any more than I can. I treasure each and every day I have with him sober, knowing that the alcohol can steal him away again at any time. Sometimes the wondering when, nearly drives me crazy! (or I should say crazier!)
It looks like you have grown much farther than I have. I think if/when the A leaves me for the bottle again, and if/when I ever find the strength to keep him out of my life, I will prefer being alone. I have never been this close to another human being and can't imagine ever wanting anyone else in my life. I feel I would have serenity without constantly wondering when/if my mate would use again. Sometimes, even now, I wish I could be alone, but then my addiction takes over again.
It feels so much like what you must have had with your A before his brain surgery. At this time, things are really good with my A, but I Know that can all change in the blink of an eye. I guess the wondering will always be there as long as I stay with him.
Debilyn, somehow I got the feeling that you were trying to stay away from Alanon too. That maybe you felt you had nothing in common with me, for example. Even though you have given your A to HP, I for one, still need you, your wisdom and your humor!
I am so glad you are posting again. With Love, TLC
Wow, your share captivated me. I could see the metaphor of your addiction to the addict's addiction to their drug of choice. You gave me some real serious considerations to ponder too. Thank you so much. I hope others read this too.
love Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Your post leaves me so in touch with my emotions on how close I can come to being obessessed again with the A's in my life. Even if the may be in recovery right now, I still sometimes want to make sure everything goes "right" for them so they won't drink or use again. Which will make me crazy and miserable.
I am so grateful for Al-Anon, my relationship with my HP & this wonderful website that helps me staying in touch with these feelings and continues my recovery so that I can learn to live Happy, Joyous and Free no matter what the A's in my life are doing.
Thanks so much for such a heartfelt post,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
(((Deb)))) I feel right now like you have opened my chest, taken out my heart, and read the words written on it.
It is very true, they are our drug of choice. I know mine is. I know my family worries about me, my friends do too. My daughter has had a hard time dealing with the fact that I stay. I do not have hope right now for my A's recovery. But, before I came here, I did not have hope for mine, so I have to believe that hope is still alive somewhere.
You are doing a fantastic job getting on with your life. I know it must be very hard, but you are getting there by working your program, and staying true to yourself.
Maybe someday I can get to the point where you are.
Wow. What a post,Deb. It makes me cry. My heart goes out to all of us. You know, I never thought of my A as my drug of choice. I don't know what I thought. And I didn't think of seeing him yesterday as a "fix" but maybe it was. Twenty years ago before he got help, I had 4 young kids and we living in a raggedy house that was falling apart. My A was building us a new house and because I had no means of support other than him, I would think "as soon as we're in the new house, he's gonna be outta there if he goes on one of his binges" (the house was paid for so I wouldn't have to pay monthly for it or fear being evicted). While the binges tore me up, I knew I couldn't get out of the relationship because of the money I would need. But I swore he'd be gone out of my life once the kids were gone if not sooner as long as the roof over my head was secure. Yet here it is, 20 years later, the kids are gone, expenses aren't anywhere near what they used to be, and I have been having a hard time letting go. Not as easy as I thought it would be. I was thinking that maybe we didn't really love each other - we were just used to each other. I didn't even realize that co-dependency included something on the order of being addicted, in a way,to your spouse or partner. I never thought I would need to see him, at least hear his voice, in order to feel better like I did yesterday. The funny thing is that he hasn't been drinking for a year. Back in the raggedy house days, I used to think that all he had to do was quit the drinking and all would be well. Never realized alcoholism was a whole package full of things. He's not drinking but he still has the characteristics. 50% of me wants him back as a man in recovery, 50% wants to let the whole thing go and move on. So for now, I'll just deal with myself ( even if I'm looking for a fix now and then) and see what road I'll take. It's easier to find your way to place you want to go when you have a map to follow. Like here. I really loved your post, deb. It has given me much to think about......jaja
