The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Most people, don't understand depression, I've had it all of my life & can't control my lows. Last month, I chose to go to the bookstore & buy some books I was drawn to, different subjects; philosophical, meta-physical. I even bought one on Mandalas (all sorts of circulat & ancient designs), 280 pages to color & ponder the Universe.
I also started to go out to eat by myself, which is something I haven't done since I was a teenager ~ I'd just been isolating & would order food in. I've had fun everytime I've gone out.
I know it's a chemical inbalance. I have all too many ppl (mostly in the family) all telling me what to do, my mom God Bless her... would just sternly say, "snap out of it!" growing up & it always made me feel guilty & would just bring me down. I wish I could snap out of it, believe me. I know part of it, is I have different values than my parents do, they are very money driven; one of many reasons I starved for 18 years, enraged, would rather do without than take part in their lives ~ I had no control so I could control & just angrily starve myself.
Ironic now that I have some weight on me, seems like everyone else is thinner than ever... but I'm not as irritable since I eat now. The mind "screw" is that none of my clothes fit ~ my body image was always so distorted, I never knew how tiny I was and sometimes the extra weight brings me down, besides, I know it's a unhealthy strain on my heart.
Whine, whine... ODAT I could take it off if I ate some fruit, or stretched, wtvr, I KNOW what to do... it's when I need the help the most, I do the least for myself. Depression is a beast.
My cats love me unconditionally, believe it or not their pure love has gotten me through my darkest times. Can't deny that the Board & room have helped tremendously, beyond measure, we all lean on each other. My mom had a rough couple of days detoxing from her overdose & even though I feel my mother & step-father are unable to express their love to me it hurts but I can't dwell on it or I'll sink in a NY second.
I'm diligently working on discovering love & appreciating myself. I'm not lonely anymore, haven't been for years. I don't need a b/f to approve of me, I can validate myself... I'm just happy not to be verbally or psychologically abused by a man anymore. I do feel I need to love myself more healthily before a more positive & healthy romantic love will come to me and I'm certainly not looking for it much to the disappointment of my Aunts, probably my mother too, it appears I will not make her a grandmother & w/ the recent suicide attempt, and my own suicidal ideations, I don't see passing the pain down these genes anymore.
Just working on me, I'm worth my own good love, it is a gift from God, a Blessing.
The love I feel for others IS MY experience of love, it doesn't have to be returned & that epiphany was very freeing. The love I feel, is my love, no one can take it from me. Besides I know I'm loved & valued here, so I'll keep working on it for myself... I know when I pray I feel the love too.
You have all helped me so much, we are Blessed to mirror each other & be 'messengers' or human Angels for each other. So I'll keep working it & we'll keep propping each other up. Thank you all for your continuous support.
Sincerely in love, -Kitty of Light
-- Edited by kitty at 08:56, 2006-10-08
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
(((( TT )))) You're right & like I said, I do feel happier w/ a little weight on me. In fact I mentioned to my mother the other day , she's spent nearly $50K on her body & teeth in the last six years, looks better than ever ~ gripes her physical appearance is worth more than my formal education. She says she wants to leave a beautiful corpse... I'd like a fulfilling life, I don't think any corpse is "pretty" & I'm sure I won't want to be viewed, it's all so morbid. Just turn me back to ashes & have a big party in my honor!
Just goes against everything she ever told me, "no one is worth killing yourself over"; "the best revenge is leading a good life", and she believes that 'the good works we do in life will get wiped out if we murder ourselves' ~ just hard to reconcile that with all of that, she'd try this anyway. She has so much going for... hopefully my eyes will be opened to my own value as I pray for her to realize how very loved she is.
No money doesn't buy happiness nor does it buy us love. The rub is realizing that my life was all a lie ~ I'm not loved for my spirit; how could my mom really even care about her dogs & all her animal rights values, if she would just kill herself. When I get down & terrible, my cats flock around me & lick my tears, flop all over me... I think about how long it would be for me to be found & worry about my cats, it snaps me out of the ideations.
It would be miraculous to see ourselves through an animals eyes.
When I was a teenager, I used to tell my mother, "I want to be a human being not a human doing." I love her. I'll accept what Divine Intelligence throws my way. Believe it or not, this scare has lifted some of my self-pity ~ I can only make myself happy, hopefully my soul will grow & I will find some peace. So I'm the martyred lamb to slaughter, stubborn as a rock ~ better late then never, just 2 more years, so they say, life begins @ 40, so I'll have a 2 yr jump on it!
Thanks so much for your response - love to you. -K
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I just wanted to say welcome back and I have missed you heaps. I also suffer from depression and am on medication for life because of the serotonin imbalance so I do understand where you ae coming from. I felt a lot of growth in your post and an acceptance of who you are no matter what anyone else thinks. You should be proud of what you have achieved you are a beautiful person from the inside and physical appearance can never beat that. Luv Leo xx
I couldn't agree with you more - Telling a person suffering with depression to "snap out of it" works about as well as telling an acoholic to "just stop drinking"
Probably it is from a lack of knowledge of the disease of depression - so many people like to think of themselves as a self-proclaimed doctor - I am glad that there seems to be more information in the mainstream media about the fact that dipression is in fact a chemical imbalance not just a temporary mood!!
Thank you Kitty for being so brave as to work on accepting yourself as you are - that is an area that I struggle still with daily - one day I hope to look in that mirror and believe that statement that I'm ok with the way I look. I keep "faking til I make it", knowing from the experience, strength & hope that is shared here that I will make it one day.
So glad to have you as one of our MIP family,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
So I'll keep working it & we'll keep propping each other up. Thank you all for your continuous support.
