The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My oldest Sis and her husband are here in Ohio visiting from Colorado, for the weekend. I had wanted so much for my whole family, my husband, my daughter, my sis and bro in law to go out to dinner. I screwed things up bad.
Sis and her hubby were here last night for dinner, hubby and I all had a great time, eating and talking. Hubby did not drink. We had been trying (well, I had) to have my daughter spend the day today with my husband, my sis and bro in law, going to antique shops, quilt shops, etc. (hey the guys agreed to, OK???)
Anyway, daug. wasn't sure if she could get off work for the afternoon, but she was able to. I called her and she didn't want to go out if my husband was going to be there. There are bad feelings between them because almost a year ago, my husband was verbally abusive to her on the phone, then wouldn't let her talk to me, and she got scared and called 911. He was arrested for being drunk while on probation. She doesn't want to be around him because it stirs up bad feelings, he told her she was never allowed in our (mine too!) home. He was drunk and talking out of his head, spewing the garbage he does.
Anyway, this morning, I was talking to daughter(,my sis and bro in law were at the campground in their trailer), she was being stubborn (in my eyes) about going. I started crying and throwing a fit. Hung up phone. Got kinda hysterical, went into bathroom and sobbed. And sobbed. So much sorry held in for so long just came pouring out. Hubby came in to see what was wrong with me, and I let him have it with both barrels, no holds barred. Told him I hate, hate, hate the two people I love most in the world cannot even be in a restaurant together. Cannot sit down together at my kitchen table. Told him when he is drunk he says the stupidist, most outright lying things in the world. That it makes him mean, and I know that is not how he is without drinking.
He said he didnt want to be anywhere around my daughter anyway. It hurt so bad I did something I have never done in my life, I started punching the walls and screaming. I put a good sized dent in the kitchen wall I had just painted a few days ago. I have never ever done this. Now my hands hurt and are bruised. I feel like I have had my soul sucked out, and I am an empty shell.
Hubby got in his truck and left. I called him and he said go and have a good time with my daughter and family, and he's see us later for dinner, while daug. had to go to work. By the time my sis got here, I was red eyed and still shook up. I couldn't believe myself doing that. I told her what had happened, and she just hugged me. She knows I am caught between love for these two people, and the damage alcohol has done. Our dad died from alcohol when I was 16. So now, it has taken my dad, my husband, and now my daughter away, I feel. So much destruction. My daughter doesn't realize her step dad is sick. Thinks he just wants to be that way.
I am sick at my stomach trying to write this, hubby called he went to the Drunken Baby Shower. He's drunk. Will be home later for dinner with Sis and bro in law. I was so much looking forward to having them here, an d tried to force the "one big happy family" thing. Boy, was I wrong. Anyway, after hub left, daug., sis and bro in law went ahead and did what we had planned, quilt shopping and eating lunch out. But there was a cloud over my head. I will never have "one big happy family". Never. And I hate it.
I am so ashamed of myself for acting like I did. I am so damn sick and tired of the hurt this disease causes. It has ripped my family away, then I get crazy and alienate everyone.
I have had to do a good cover up job today, trying to put on a happy face for my sis and my daughter. Inside, my heart is breaking, and I am on the verge of tears. I don't think I am a very good faker.
The really sad thing is, I thought I had been doing well, hubby and I have ever been getting along, I have been trying hard to keep my program going, but, I have been PMSing, and I guess with the stress (good stress, but stress, nontheless) of having company, and missing my daughter, and wanting her to spend time with her aunt and uncle, I just let it get to me. I had a major meltdown. I don't think hubby has seen me act like this in years. I am so embarrassed. I try to act like I am "well" and he is "sick". I acted as crazy as my husband does when he throws a fit. God help me.
Dont be so hard on yourself, sometimes we just need to VENT !! I know that I have done stupid things and have regret too but WE are human !! Our emotions run STRONG.. It hurts to think that we wont have a happy family I have those same feelings too.. They really STINK !! My mother and my A cant be around each other now either. They said some things to each other that neither are willing to forget. I know how you feel trapped between two people that you love. !!
Wow sometimes we have to examine our expectations. The A I live with would love me to go to the bridezilla shower or whateve it is tomorrow. Believe me I would be a quivering mess if I did.
So I choose not to. I also choose not to bring it up with him or have a huge show down with him about it. I have readjusted my expectations. Some things like family occasions are huge huge triggers for some of us. Examining my expectations is so important for me. I had perfectionistic idealistic expectations. I still have them about the holidays in particular. Right now my expectations are about taking care of myself. I have a cold, I do not feel well. I have to take care of myself.
So you messed up, well we all do. You can start over. Next time your sister comes you can review what you want with the group here and brain storm what is likely and what isn't likely. What is a reasonable expectation and what isn't. We are dealing with A's they are not rational.
Right now I am dealing with a bridezilla whose wedding has triggered her to new heights. That woman has been very very very rude to me in the past. I choose not to be around her. Neverthelss she is the A's mother and as horrible as I think she is, he has feelings about her. I do not have the right to dictate how he should feel. I do have the right to take care of myself though. These days I manage to conduct myself with decorum. Believe me I've had the screaming match, the melt down stuff. I know those now I try something different. You can do that. You can come here and pour your heart out, brain storm idea, apply the principles of what you can control and can't control and learn how to have some kind of compromise.
In my ideal world I would be far far far away from bridezilla and her demands. I am not in an ideal world, I live with an A and I am surrounded by his family to a certain extent but the disease does not control me anymore. Nevetheless I do take care of myself. I am not a puddle. I am not in an emergency room being restrained (and that woman has really upset me in the past). I am not looking at lumps in the wall or a trashed house. I have not even raised my voice about the issue and that for me is an incredible miracle.
There are ways to walk through this program, whatever you are doing, whether we live with the A, deal with him, or want out (most days I want out but I want out without being homeless). There are ways not to be have this stuff consume you. I know you can do this and you have to forgive yourself, get up tomorrow and act differently and slowly in time al anon will start working for you I am sure of it.
Becky, I'm sorry for your beating yourself up for letting your feelings out. Hey, you were emotionally hurt and wanting a "normal" life..nothing wrong with that.
I agree with the others about expectations, and I know it's sooo hard to let go of that dream world in our heads. But, we have to if we want to face reality and stay sane.
I'm only suggesting what was suggested to me....when two people in the family hate each other, but you care about both, just take them one at a time, and NEVER get caught in the same room with both.
Might be worth a try.
As Charlie Brown said, Life is full of rude awakenings.
Ok - I put my hand through a wall once - for a somewhat similar situation. Guess what - there's stuff at Home Depot that fixes that up in a flash...
I agree - don't be so hard on yourself.
It's ok to cry and feel your feelings because you don't have the "normal big happy family." It's something that I know I desire - and I know I can force. It's normal to grieve what we don't have. Please know that you may need to grieve more than once.
I agree that it's best to spend time with the people you love separately. Spend time with your daughter separate from your husband. Mom-daughter times are important and very positive. Please know that the individual relationships are precious...more so that trying to force an fake "normal" family relationship (or expect to control your hubby's actions).
Update: I called my AH at the Drunken Baby Shower at 7:25, had spoken to him a couple of times during the day on the phone. At that time, I told him my sis and bil would be here in about 5 min. and was he coming home or not. Not mean, I just wanted to know. He said, yeah, he was going to leave and come home right then so we could go to dinner. Sis and bil got here, , no hubby. I tried his friends house phone again at 7:50. Friend said my husband was "gone" I took that to mean he was gone from their house and on his way home. At 8, I called hubby;s cell phone, it was turned off. Maybe his friend meant he was "gone" as in passed out....who knows. Anyway, sis, bil and and I went to our dinner, and had a good time. I got home at 10:30, hubby is not home, it is 11:45 now, and I don't know where he is, and I am not calling anyone. Not him, not his friends, no one. NO. ONE.
I hate how I acted today, and I hate how, when I needed someone to comfort me, my AH just ran out of the house. Of course, I was acting crazy, so no wonder he left. Maybe we both need some time to settle down. I was behaving in a pretty bizzare manner, I imagine it freaked him out. I did tell him on the phone during one of our conversations today, that I was sorry, and he did tell me he loved me before he hung up.
For now, I just got out of the chatroom where I got lots of ESH, lots of hugs, and encouragement. And now, I am going to bed. I hope and pray that my AH is somewhere safe and asleep. I hope he comes home tomorrow. In January, I never would have been able to go to sleep like this. The insanity would have continued all night. For now, I will shed a few tears, because I am human and I hurt, then I will turn it over to HP, because that is all I can do tonight.
HP, please watch over my daughter, her step-sons, her husband, my husband, my granddaughter, me, and all of us who have been so terribly hurt by this disease we call alcoholism.
I am so sorry you are hurting this way. I don't know where you are at in your recovery, steps, or if you have a sponsor. I have done something like this before. Progress not perfection! It is understandable. You blew up. I had done that too during my recovery. I called my sponsor, and was reassured I wasn't abnormal. I did need to go back to the first three steps though. Then, I had to apoligize to this person for my behavior.
Forcing solutions is something I have had to work really hard at swallowing. I didn't know any other way other than forcing it to make it work....what ever it was. Then, I had to learn I am not responsible for what others do say or think. Although, I may not like the decisions of others and what happens between them, it really isn't up to me.
I have three brothers and one sister. I grew up with my sister. My brothers I did not. There is real bad blood between my mother and them. It has been going on since I was 5. I am 29 now. I am very family oriented. VERY. It used to break my heart that we couldn't sit as a family in the same room. It hurt so bad when we were having Thanksgiving at my Granny's and I asked my brother to come. He came and half way up the side walk he fell to pieces and apoligized to me that he just couldn't do it. Couldn't be around my Mom. It killed me when my grandfather passed and that same brother came to the funeral with me and my mother acted like a child and wouldn't even look him in the eye and acted as though he didn't exsist.
Whether we will ever sit in the same room as a family ever again is no longer something I can allow to consume me. What happened between them and what continues to happen is none of my business. I have to live a happy life for myself. I speak to both of them. I am very close with both of them. Unless, one of them asks about the other I don't offer any information. Even still when I am, it is mainly whether the other one is doing alright and I leave it at that.
Alcohol has caused many, many things in my life. My mother is a bing drinker and very hurtful if I allow it, two of my siblings drink in an excess, my grandparents, boyfriends, and husbands were all alcoholics. I can say today......I wouldn't have traded any of it. That is what it took for me to get to Alanon on my knees and change my life forever. That is awesome.
I can change today, can't change the past, or tomorrow. Just today through my recovery. I am not perfect and do not strive to be. I am a foulable human being and will make mistakes at every turn. I have to remember I am no different than anyone else and sometimes, I can get more insane than the alcoholic.
One foot infront of the other is when things started moving for me. You are in my prayers.
Please don't be so hard on yourself! You are human after all...
If it makes you feel any better I once threw dirty dishes at my husband, LOL, and that is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO unlike me! I was doing dishes and I had thrown him out early in our marriage, for being a worthless drunk who did not want to contribute any money towards the household. I don't support men...so I threw him out. I did not think I had to change the locks, and he snuck in DRUNK. I was furious and told him to leave, he did not, so I threw the dirty dishes I was doing at him...even drunk he managed to dodge them, LOL.
I don't even yell at him or call him any names usually, the worse I have ever called him in 13 years of marriage to his face is a "selfish jerk", and he had that coming. HIS car was in the shop and he was using MY mom's! Daughter was pretty sick, too sick to even go to school and I was homeschooling, I had been referred to take her to yet another specialist at the Cleveland Clinic. Husband worked down the street from the Cleveland Clinic, so I asked him if I could take him to work and then take her to see the doctor. Remember, he was using MY mom's car!
We were separated at the time...so he was being a complete monstor. He told me NO, since "I might not pick him up in time and he was not sitting around at work".
Can you imagine such a selfish jerk towards his own daughter?
Well...you know how mom's are when it comes to their children, especially daughters...and only children at that...I totally lost my temper and screamed at him that he was a selfish jerk. He was SOOOOO shocked that he he said he was sorry and wrong and would go along with my plan! He said later that it was so unlike me that to see that he had pushed me to that extreme showed him he MUST be wrong.
So, sometimes losing our tempers CAN be a good thing, LOL.
Anyway...I sort of sympathize with you on the "big happy family" dissapointment thing. I say sort of since this is my mom's beef with me. I have an older brother who was abusive to me my entire life, into adulthood, and I refuse any contact with him now. My mom plays the martyr role, telling me in this dramatic voice "Oh it is SOOOO sad that my own son cannot come to visit me, it is so tragic, just because YOU have to hold a grudge". SIGH!
I don't care what she says...I am NOT stopping HER from seeing him, I just choose not to. My Mom lives with me, so YES he is NOT allowed to come to "my" house, thats right!!! So my mom tries to make me feel guilty. It has not worked for 15 years now...and it never will.
I WILL take care of me and I cut off any dysfunctional person I can out of my life. I make no exceptions. I have enough to deal with in my marriage.
My Dad gave me the best advice...if you can't get along with someone...learn to get along WITHOUT them. That is what I did, I live and let live. Anyone in my family is free to be the best of friends with my brother...they can just leave me out of it. I don't expect anyone to take sides, but I do except them to respect my feelings. My other brother and my sister have limited contact with him, he abused them too, but not as severely. That is OK, I just will not.
I am dissapointed that my Mom cares more about some fake and phony Normal Rockwell scene than my feelings, or emotional health. Perhaps your daughter suffers the same dissapointment.
On the other hand I sympathize with you since my husband hates my OTHER brother, who is OK and normal. I feel really sad when my sister comes to visit that we can't all be together, I love them both so much. My husband likes my sister and BIL and they are the only members of my family that he will associate with, my brother and SIL are not allowed to come. I was a lot happier when I learned to accept this stuff. My sister is great about it, she respects and understands that those she loves CAN and SHOULD take care of their emotional health by not associating with family members who can't control their dysfunctional behavior. She never pressures me to invite either of my brothers to anything we do. She visits me, then she goes and visits my "nice" brother and it is no big deal. No pressure and no taking sides. Everyone respects everyone else and each have a good time when they are visited, with no need to enact a phony scene of "family togetherness" when there really is none.
I wish so much my mom would follow her example!
It is so nice when family members respect each other's need to safeguard their emotional health and NOT be around someone who jeapardizes that. It is NOT about holding a grudge either, it is like not touching a hot stove again after you have been burnt...you don't hold a grudge against a stove, you just know not to touch it.
Two things occur to me, sweetie: 1, you're owning your part. You're holding yourself accountable, which is great. But what concerns me, 2, is that if you're punching holes in walls, your anger is reaching a boiling point. You may want to consider some outside help for this. Join a Ymca or something, SOMETHNG to control the anger or give you a safe outlet. Think about it: What if that had been your daughter you punched? You're owning your part, you're holding yourself accountable, now it's time to take action to move on.
I know I did things too I am not proud of. Please forgive yourself for the hole in the wall. I hope your hand is ok? Lotsa little bones in there!
It is easy to fix sheet rock hon.
When my A showed his colors, it took me awhile to realize this was not something I could deal with alone.
I am a very mellow person. I do not panic, I act. I don't get mad, I regroup. But.... I tell ya the salsa hit the wall very fast, and the huge cup of iced tea hit the wall right over his head.
And once he was on pills and alcohol, he started to poke me with his finger, I picked his skinny a** up by the collar of his jean jacket and told him he will never touch me again and struggled with him and thru him out the door.
Been there done that. Please forgive yourself. I learned I was not where i wanted to be. I had so much more to learn and believe about alanon. I did not like me, they way I allowed the disease to push my buttons.
So for a long time now, I no longer react. Does not help, does not change anything. Nothing he said or did got to me anymore becuz I really believed it was the drug talking not him.
Don't give it a second thought. Just next time, hurt the wall not you, and pick water, it is easier to clean than tea or salsa.
As I've told you so many times before: I have slipped so much in this program, it's a good thing I have lots of padding! Give yourself a break. Making mistakes is how we learn and grow in this program. The good news is we get to start again.
Love and blessings to you and the family. Kiss the kitties for me.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Let he who has not damaged some inanimate object hurl the first stone. Let's see, this weekend I broke my watch and kicked a hole in the wall of our bedroom. I can't say that is ok, but you know... the emotions come out some times and that just shows how much we are twisted by all this.
That doesn't supprise me that I am sick... that's why I'm here. *g* Next time do it with a baseball bat so you don't hurt yourself. That wall can be fixed! (Just kidding... kinda)
Take care of you.
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
