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I've been on a long and bumpy road this last month. I though I had everything figured out but now I'm not so sure. I need help!!
About a month ago, I left my boyfriend because I could not handle his alcoholism anymore. He would stay out late, miss work or go to work hung over, spend our rent money on alcohol . . . typical alcoholic stuff. We had a huge fight one night and I finally left. He ended up getting arrested for DUI that night.
I went to stay with a friend (where I still am now) that lives about five hours away. When he sobered up, he called and apologized, said he realized how bad his problem was and that he was going to go get help. We've been talking a lot since then and he says has been attending AA and not drinking. he's been making it to work regularly and seems to be on the right track to recovery. I've been considering going back but wanted to give it some more time. To make sure that he sticks with it.
Well, a few days ago I found out that I am pregnant.
I've made the decision to go back to him and give us another shot. As long as he stays in the program i am sure that things will be great. As long as he can stay in the program.
The thing is, I told him that I am going to come back, but I haven't told him that I am pregnant. I thought that I should wait and tell him in person. now I'm not sure if that is the right thing to do. I'm pretty sure he'll be happy about this baby and this will give him even more reason to stick with the program. But I'm a little worried also. And I know he's going to wonder if that is the only reason that I came back.
Truthfully, it is not the only reason, but definitely a huge factor. I do love him. We had planned our whole lives together (even bought wedding rings already) and it is hard to give up on that. especially now.
I feel like I am doing the right thing by going back (I'm at least 90% convinced) but I just don't know if I should tell him the whole truth before I go. I'd love to hear what anyone else thinks about this.
Hi there ii, and welcome. I would probably tell him face to face about the coming baby. I think this is news that should be shared together. Physically. Otherwise it seems so impersonal. My opinion only.
Remember, dear one, that whether or not he drinks has nothing to do with you, or a new baby, or ANYTHING but his resolve to get his alcoholism under control. In other words, he will only become sober if HE wants to..
Celebrate the new life you are creating; be happy and full of joy. May you both share that joy with many, many years of sobriety ahead.
I think I would tell him f2f but before commiting to going back.
You said you wanted to give it some more time to see if he will stick to the program. There is no incentive great enough for him to stay sober but his own desire.
I think I would give him at least 6 months of the pregnancy to see if he will stay in the program.
This is what I think I would do. But only you can decide what is best for you and your new one on the way.
Hope you have a wonderful pregnancy. I loved being pregnant.
To answer your question directly - IMHO - I would tell him in person.
Only you know if it's right to get back together with him...but having had to go through a separation and divorce when my daughter was very young - then living as a single parent - I would suggest that you keep your finances separate from his.
Please, whatever you do, do not think that getting back with him or the baby will be incentive for him working the program. You have no control over his will or incentive to be clean and sober. He has to do that on his own.
There is a lot here really. This is a decision that is up to you and you alone. I do think that it is important that you attend meetings, get a sponsor, and work the steps. Especially when things are hearts and flowers in your world or in turmoil.
When I was pregnant with my first, my boyfriend and I had a huge fight. I left. I went back a few weeks later and major fight started again. I left for good. I have three children now. I am not scared in the slightest to be pregnant or much less raise my children on my own. That is just me.
I often hear from the AA side....something alone the lines of not to date for a year. I do think for me, it would matter if I am strong enough and in recovery and working a true program. Are they working a true program. That is not coming out the way I mean it to. I am responsible for me and me only. I also know when a man is weak and needs time to become strong again on his own....without my distraction.
Please, I not saying any of this for your situation. This is just something that runs through my mind in general.
If you are going back to him contingent on him to say sober, you may be dissappointed. Unfortunately, not even a precious baby can keep an addict from his drink/drug of choice. My pregnancy and delivery were exciting but stressful too. As most of us with A's know, when a change or stressful situation arises the A comforts with himself with alcohol.
Only you know what's best for you. You could tell him about the baby face to face and let him know you want him in your lives. Stay living apart and not fully committed while he works his program, if he truly is. Sit back and see what unfolds. I wouldn't make any changes for 6 months. It may be best for your A's recovery as well. You have more than yourself to consider now.
Lots in your note about his program, nothing about yours, I would think that it is more important for you to be in recovery, with tools, support and reality checks, than it is for you to worry about whether he is.
From someone who raised children while living with an active A - keep your options as open as possible. Alcoholism is very very hard on children, and that baby is now your main concern.
Him getting sober will only work if it is within his own desire to do so. This can only be told in time. In my opinion "action" speaks louder than words. Perhaps this DUI was his bottom , or perhaps not. This disease is cunning, baffling, and incidious. It mames, destroys, relationships, families and friends. However, I hope YOU are taking care of your needs at this time and the needs of your baby. This in my opinion should come first and foremost now.You can start today taking care of yourself, whether the A continues to drink or not,,, and keep the focus where it belongs on YOU. You sound very rational in your post, and I am confident you will do what is right for you. Keep coming back, it works if you work it and YOU are worth it!
thanks for all of the great words of encouragement and advice. i am going back tomorrow and plan to tell my A about the baby before the end of the week. i'll let everyone know how it goes. i'm a little nervous and anxious, but mostly i just want to get all of this out of the way so i can start enjoying my pregnancy!
