The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was thinking alot about enabling tonight. I came to the realization that at least in my case enabling can be doing something for someone that they CAN'T do for themselves. By helping my A with his firewood business ie., splitting the wood, loading and unloading the truck, taking down the directions, and driving to and from the deliveries (because he is too drunk to do so) I am allowing him to keep up the illusion to the outside world that he is functioning and successful when he is in fact not. Since outside appearances are very important to him, as long as he is being perceived as successful (even though he knows he is not) I may very well be keeping him from reaching his bottom. In light of this realization it would make sense that I need to bow out and just let him fail. Even though he will hate me for it and may very likely leave me to find someone else to prop him up, if I truly love him I should be willing to take the risk. The question is do I have it in me to do the unselfish, right thing? Sadly, I don't think so. Not yet anyway.
Don't know if anyone else can relate but just had to throw it out there.
I'm in the process of breaking the illusion, I'm not trying to sink my A, I'm just no longer participating in what he wants to project to others. Your realization is one that I too came to. When you are ready, you'll be able to do what you need to do.
Someone told me when the "Pain of remaining the same is greater than the Pain of change" you'll be able to do things you once thought you couldn't. I've found this to be true. The biggest thing is the changes no longer revolve around what might be best for the A, they are what are best for me.
Remember the three A's, Awareness, Acceptance, and Action. It's a process.
