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I have been thinking a lot lately about why I tolerated this crap for so long. I keep thinking it seems like the insanity is what kept us together and blinded me to the reality. I look at him now and all I see is a pitiful excuse for a man. So scared and insecure and needy and it makes me sick, I have no desire for him at all. I see him and I feel ill and it makes me wonder was I that pitiful and needy that I matched him? That we were a fit? I hope this makes sense.
I look at him now and wonder what the hell was it that made me want to be with him in the first place? Now ever time I tell him no to anything that he can't come with me that he can't come use my phone, whatever it is he always jumps out with "are you seeing someone else?" Is that why? so pitiful and insecure. And more so it pisses me off that he truly believes that I just cannot STAND to be by myself and MUST be with another man! If I found a friend he would accuse me of being a lesbian! WHAT IS THAT? I just keep thinking I don't believe at this point that I will EVER be able to respect him as a man again. The hope is still trying to live but the disgust of it all is smashing the hope does anyone know what I mean?
As has been explaned to me many times now... as we get better, they get defensive, angry, full of self-pity, you name it. They see you change and their disease is no longer in control. That is terrifying to them.
The fact that you see things differently now than you have is a sign that your denial is melting away.
At a meeting it was explaned like the Santa Clause issue. You beleive in the existance of ol St Nick ... until you don't. Once you don't, you can't go back. That was a fantasy, and it's over.
He hasn't taken off the blinders of denial yet, so his world continues to be distorted, even though your vision has changed. It is very tough for both of you. My AW and I are still in the thick of that.
She didn't believe I was going to Al-anon meetings. Hired a PI to follow me and see who I was dating. Why, because she doesn't have a drinking problem, and it only makes sense that I was cheating on her. <sigh>
Go easy on yourself and allow yourself to adjust to this new reality. It's a big step. At least it is for me.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I feel like I have to keep stomping down the hope. Every time I think in terms of together forever like I always have I get that sick anxious feeling! He knows he has a problem, he just has a multitude of other problems when he's not with me. Like paranoia and jealousy and theivery and and and.
I love what Rtexas said regarding the Santa Claus factor, lol, it's where I'm at. You really can't go back, but that doesn't mean you don't still desire the fantasy. It's very much like santa, geeze I wish it were real.
For me I've traded hopes, I once hoped for the fantasy, now I hope for all that is good in reality. It takes a while to get past the disappointment. Whether you stay w/ your A or not, living one day at a time, living in the moment and doing what is best for you can be a really good reality.
It takes a while to develop strength to do what is best for you and have compassion (not pity) for your A. Sometimes I have to keep repeating to myself "No one would chose to be an A --It's an addiction." It helps me to remember he's sick. The whole thing for me is that I can't go there w/ him, I want to be healthy, I choose to be healthy -- there is where I found my strength to do what was best for me. (That and leaning on my HP )
You really ARE living my life! He asked my on several occasions if there was someone else. Last weekend he drove by the house and saw a strange vehicle in the driveway, then ran around and told everyone that I've gotten back with an old boyfriend! Anything to take the focus away from his problems! He is truly pathetic, needy and extremely unappealing right now!
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Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.
I really hear the demand/neglect cycle in your post. They abandon us then come back with more demands and make it seem like its all our fault they left.
I no longer respond to their escalating demands. I focus on me. What do I need. Right now the past two weeks I have a terrible cold I have focused on taking care of that. That was a lot of work. Meantime he is having his normal chaos going on. I do not even ask him where he is working, when he is working anymore.
I have to say this it is very very easy to get into a stew of resentment at them. Resist that at any cost, detach. Put the focus back on you, what are your goals, where are you going, what are your short term, long term goals. What do you need? Besides him to stop being an alcoholic.
I resent the A deeply and I resent his messed up stewed up family deeply. At the same time they no longer run my life.
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(SC)