The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well today I am in a bad mood. It started yesterday. My AW has been in a great mood, almost giddy since Saturday evening. I started out "enjoying the day", 'til yesterday. Then I started getting pissed because it makes it appear she can really control this.
If I start to believe that she just got tired of being mean and nasty, then I have to believe she did all this on purpose. I really don't want to believe that.
She hasn't drank any less. She's not in "remission", she is just simply not being ugly. I am trying very hard not to take this to heart and let it ruin my day, but it's painful. I am trying hard to say that the disease is not dominating her behavior and I should sit back and enjoy it, but it's hard.
She's not demanding seperation papers or trying to decide what's more important... her kids or some peice of furniture. She's not preoccupied with making sure she gets her half... I should be capable of being happy about that.
It's not fair to say her self destruction is not going to affect my ability to be happy, then say she is being a good citizen and that is the reason for my unhappyness. I know that I am the reason for my feelings. But I am feeling them anyway.
I'm not trying to dump this on you all, just venting.
I am hoping that in writing it out, I can put it into better perspective. It does help a bit.
Time for me to start my day over, me thinks. Thanks for listening to me babble.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I am tremendously better than I was. At the same time I do spend part of each day resenting the As effect on me. There are some days better than others, nevertheless its a given for me to resent something. I do better than I did before. I no longer obsess night and day. I detach better but I have to practice it every single day.
Courage to Change pg. 270 ". . . feelings are neither good nor bad-they are simply a part of who I am."
Maybe you need a day to process the emotions that you are feeling. You have definitely had a lot in dealing with your family life. Take the time to feel those feelings if you need to - for me, in recovery, I had to learn feel my emotions before I "fixed" the situation. It is my understanding that acting on those bad moods that I have may cause me difficulties. I can still feel my feelings without reacting to those feelings.
Yes, journaling, or posting on MIP has helped me deal with emotions. Then sometimes, I am able to let them go, sometimes I have to put it thru the steps, sometimes I have to ask my HP for the willingness to do whatever He thinks is best because I can't even fathom what I should do, so I just ask for the willingness.
Hope that you are able to do something especially nice for you today, Rtexas. You definitely deserve it. Whatever is good for you, enjoy some college football games tonight, spend time with your son, get a few hours away from the house where it is peaceful - whatever is relaxing for you.
Take care of you - You are a great person!! Please don't ever forget that!
Sending thoughts & prayers that soon you will have a better day,
Rita
-- Edited by Rita G at 15:21, 2006-10-05
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
My thoughts are with you today. You are a good person and I know where you are. As you know, you have helped me greatly.
I have been reading a lot about acceptance. For me this includes accepting the way I feel, whether it be pissed, hurt, sad, but try really hard to just feel it, accept it, and pray for HP to help me to let it go. Sometimes I pray fifty times a day, truly. I know that to take action is what I have to do, though I am new to the program I think you are doing the right thing by venting and getting it out.
It sounds strange - but if she is in a good mood now, maybe your "example" of being calm and in your program has affected her in a good way. Maybe you aren't used to her being nice? Like you said before, the disease is comfortable when we are off balance. This sounds unusual for her usual argumentative ways, and maybe you are unsettled by it.
My prayers are with you and thanks for being here. You always say the right thing when I am in crisis mode, and your support of everyone is a wonderful thing for you to do.
I know eactly how you feel. My ex A husband has tugged and pulled me into his cycle of nastiness over the last week and managed to also blame it all on me! He knows exactly where to aim his blows and he delivers them with excellent aim and vigor. Today it is all I can do to detach from his insanity. I had to read C2C for an hour, call an alanon friend and come on the board for a minute of serenity. His behavior becomes worse and worse the closer we get to mediation for child support and visitation. Because he knows he will get to see his now school aged daughter less and he will have to pay more. Hopefully allot more becasue at this time I only get $22.57 a week.
If I can barely hang on to a thread of serenity how would anyone in your shoes be able to deal on a daily basis with an active A?
Your post brought back a lot of memories for me that thankfully don't still have their claws in my mind, body, spirit and emotions any more. I too at one time thought that she was doing her thing just to get at me, to purposefully hurt me.....until I was taught by this program and a loving sponsor that nothing gets around inside of me without my permission and participation.
It was interesting reading your statement that you are the reason for your unhappiness. Might you have mean't that you were taking responsibility for choosing your feelings? When I learned that one I was able to stop blaming her and taking my evil eyed focus off of her. I have to admit that at one time this disease owned everything about me and her. When I stopped blaming her and started looking at the whole picture I came to understand that she was a complete vunerable human being suffering from a life threatening disease and really not wanting it to kill herself before she could figure out a way on how to live her life as a drunk without being a drunk. I was also able to see how sickly I was dying also and how I didn't mind dying; I just didn't want to die as sick as I was. She went thru more than I could have ever understood at that time and I didn't make it easier. She was a major drunk and because of that didn't have the capacity for compassion about what was happening with me. She did it with additional guilt and because of the added weight of that guilt her only choice was to drink more. I saw her as bad before I saw her as sick. If I only focused on her alcoholic behaviors while holding up a light of morality to it, there was no way I would or could see any good about her and I would always be stuck in the addiction I had for her. I went after her and her thinking, feeling, acting and moods like she went after the bottle. I was convinced that she hated me because I didn't know a single thing about alcoholism and how it works. Today I know a ton more and the awareness with the willingness to believe and accept has broken the grasp this disease has had on my life since I was just a possibility to my parents.
Alcoholics talk about "surfing" large waves of thoughts and feelings and we talk about reacting to their surfing until we learn how to detatch and allow them the dignity of their own choices and the consequences. I learned how to dignify my alcoholic spouse from inside of this recovery program while she was managing to end up in very undignified situations. She was/is afterall a human being and child of God including many other great things. I had to get beyond the moral judgement of an obvious disease.
Thanks to the Al-Anon Family Groups and all of its members and all of its literature and all of its suggestions and its love and willingness to let me take my seat no matter how stink I was feeling and acting and loving me into recovery. There were very few men in program when I got into the groups in Cen.Valley, CA. Not now...We are not alone in any way shape or form.
Keep coming back...Give away your fear. Turn it all over to HP and trust the process.
I think that JerryF says it all. Our day goes by how their day goes. This is a difficult merry-go-round to get off. But it is to our benefit to get off of it. It really is their ride. For me, if my AHsober calls, I have a good day. If he doesn't call, I have a bad day. Now, my AHsober has no clue that I that I go on this ride because of him. It kinda tells me that I have no self. As I said hard but I am trying. Not everything that they do is about or against us. Hope this helps.
Sending out prayers to you to gain that extra strength and joy you long for in your life. I can remember when my A and I separated this year, he seemed to be basking in glory over being able to detach so quickly, but what I realized was at the time he felt justified, it was driven by anger and hurt as well. I had many emotions all at the same time some days. It may be a bad day today, but it might not be tomorrow. In the midst of my days its when I do the most growing. Those growing pains get us to higher place in recovery. I hope you do something nice for you this weekend even if its hard to put that pain on a shelf for an hour I hope you can because you deserve it. Surround yourself with love and those who are a support to you.
Lots of prayers and blessings coming your way,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
