The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I work in two different locations. In one of them I get along pretty well with my manager. In the other I do not. I think I have coped with these issues in the past on obsessing when can I leave or on how unhappy I am. The manager of one of the locations is furious at me because I called in sick once and he couldn't replace me. He promptly went onto make a hiring decision which meant that my hours were cut some. I am really conflicted about this. On the one hand I am relieved not to have to work there as much. On the other hand I am furious that he has made a hiring deciison that wil directly impact me (it will mean more work for me). I have a really hard time turning stuff over. And I just have to turn this one over.
Having a situation like this gives me fresh perspective on the A. I am often incredibly furious with him about the decisons/choices he makes. I have had to work super overtime to lessen the impact of those decisons on me. I also have had to surrender that I can influence his decisions any.
I know one reason I am so furious about the job situation is because it remind me of home. I am also furious that my hours have been cut and I have no control over that. Admittedly I was putting in extra hours. The issue for me over all of course is that I am not making enough money to execute a plan b with the money I have. And one of my principal charactor defects is to want it all tomorrow. I have no patience to keep working on a plan and keep at it. No I want it all in the next 5 seconds or not at all and if I don't get it I want to tantrum.
I have absolutely no control over my manager at work. I have extremely limited control over the A. I know I have chosen not to become as involved with some of his friends/family. I wan the results of that to come in my lap this minute not to feel it over time. I have only been in this program for 9 months and I still struggle daily with what I can control and what I can't. In the past in my caretaking I would be trying to fix everything. I am not going to fix this manager's disastorous hiring choice. He can. I am going to focus on what I can control in my life.
Believe me I have been looking for another job for a while now and I keep on looking. Naturally there are lots of obstacles along the way. I have money issues, health issues (I am recovering from a terrible cold and cough), logistics issues. I have to surrender on those every single day but the codependent in me wants to believe that my magic I can somehow change them all overnight. And of course I can't and if I could that would be a disaster too..that is one of the hard things looking at my fantasies are totally unrealistic and probalby unachievable in my kid of time frame..that is in the next 10 seconds I want a new job, new home, income and my cold to evaporate...
I feel the same I want it all and I want it now! I recognize now that wanting an immediate committed relationship has been the death of me (as I once knew me anyway). The neediness like a giant hole that needs to be filled with attention or chaos or excitement. I look at it now and I think I'm so happy alone. I don't have anyone to answer to. I like it, my freedom. I think this is how codependents are. We are needy and want instant satisfaction at least I know that's how I am. I CAN BE ALONE!! I CAN BE ALONE!! I don't even have to remind myself that much anymore. I can say I don't need a man and really mean it!
One of the things that brought my situation to a head was that, like you, I was feeling the same cycles of chaos at work that I was getting at home.
Tables were turned a bit in my situation because this person worked for me. Over the years he has become a good friend and has had a lot of personal trials. (Including a wife going through rehab for A)
He had a lot of distractions in his life and began venting at me, over and over about things I could not change for him. I got real resentful about him hitting me with this for hours at a time.
The tools apply no matter where you are, or who you are dealing with. Your post is a great reminder of that. Oh, and by the way the tools here work much better with someone who is not A. They are rational...
We got things ironed out pretty easilly, and just in time for him to find his wife with terminal cancer and he got run over on his motorcycle and got pretty busted up. <sigh>
I hope you find that oportunity have one good job that you enjoy! You deserve it!
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
"Dear Lord, Give me the strenth to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot . . . and a great big bag of money. Amen"
Yes, I too can relate - I, after, 3 yrs in the program still struggle with wanting things to get "fixed" overnight. My HP has used Hurricane Rita, SBA (Small Business Admistration), and my health to show me that is probably not going to ever happen (lol).
Accepting that I can do the small things today and that will add up little by little to make the big changes that I want to happen, that is what I am trying to concentrate on today.
Thanks for this great post, Maresie.
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Maresie that was a great share on the control issues. I too wish everything could have been fixed yesterday. I have been noticing a lot lately that things I have planned down to a tee have all been thrown a little off balance. In the past it would have really stressed me, now thanks to al-anon I look at it as a sign from a higher power. The message is that it doesnt matter. Things will happen when the time is right and it is not necessarily a disaster when they don't go to plan. Luv Leo xx
