The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My name's Jim. I'm married with a 9 month old son. Wouldn't you know as soon as I finally got my email confirmation to allow me to login...I'm finally getting sleepy. I guess this will be short but it's one of those nights that I have to throw a line to shore in the hopes someone will grab it. Just to touch base...I have kind of a solitary life now.
I'm fine. I'm not fine, but I'm not in danger. I'm a recovering alcoholic myself. I've been sober 9 years. Ironically, I quit drinking a month after meeting my future wife because I knew I couldn't have the life and family I wanted if I continued the way I was. It was bad...I've read some of your stories here about guys like me. But I stopped. I stopped at the end of my last employer's rope. At the end of my family's tolerance. At the end of my few final friends' interest. At the edge of financial ruin. And I turned it all around. 180 degrees.
Funny thing though...about 4 years ago, when she was first layed off from a job I started to notice my wife was a bit tipsy when I'd come home from work. It's never stopped since and may well have been going on before for all I know. Her mother, sister, maternal aunt and uncle and a paternal uncle are all raging alcoholics. Her mother is 60 and is in a permanent state of slurred speech whether she's started to drink that day or not. Her 62 year old aunt was just suspended from her job in the nutrition department of a hospital for drinking on the job.
Anyway, I'm up (despite being up since 5 am and needing to be up at 5 again tomorrow) because Tuesdays is my wife's day to stay home (we both do 4 day work weeks) with our son. As with every Tuesday, I got home to find her stinking of alcohol and speaking in the clipped diction she uses to try to mask her intoxication. My best guess is she drank two bottles of wine today. My baby son's happy and smiling because he has no idea his mom's been drunk every day of his beautiful little life. Last week I got home early (I come home early every Tuesday because I'm worried about him) to find them gone. They'd driven to the local aquarium. When they got back she reaked of booze. This is how bad it's gotten. She's getting drunk all day long then driving my 9 month old son around.
Thank god tomorrow's Wednesday. His nanny comes Wednesday. I shouldn't give the impression that my wife's not a loving mother. She is. She adores our little boy and dotes on him. She just won't stop drinking. She's also mostly kind and doesn't miss work and she does keep up the house (contributing more to that cause than I do...we share life's burden's fairly). She just won't stop drinking.
If I dare say anything to my wife about her drunkenness or (as I do more commonly) let my lack of enthusiasm for what she has to say or silence indicate disapproval, she becomes terribly arrogant. It's a family trait...they're always right. She'll stop talking to me, march around like I've done something wrong. Generally just try to put me on the defensive.
Lying in bed tonight...I just started to get steaming angry, as I often do and I just retreated down to my computer to try to take my mind off things. I'm leaving town next Wednesday for 4 days and she'll be alone with our son. I'm terrified. It's going to be like one long Tuesday where I walk around in a cold sweat wondering if she's wrapped my son around a telephone pole or she's passed out on the bathroom floor while he's drowing in the tub. Right now typing this I want to kill her.
I am losing it. She hasn't gotten off the couch and put down her wine glass (with the exception of the period after discovering she was pregnant 'til like a day after delivery) in 4 years. Tonight, when she was marching around thinking she was fooling me (honestly...I'm not making up the part about me being a drunk, this is maybe the ONLY thing I can't be fooled on) I wanted to punch her in the face. I've never laid a hand on a woman and I'm ashamed to say it, but she so disgusts me with her drunken idiocy the urge is palpable. God help me.
Anyway...I guess this wasn't short after all. I have to be up soon with my little guy like every morning. Kinda sleepy now though the typing churns up the anger a bit. Don't know why I'm here...except that I have no one to talk to. I've never said any of this to anyone. Don't want to embarrass her...or me. Don't really have many friends anymore and the old and close ones are far away now. Oh well...glad to get this off my chest.
you've come to the right place, so it was worth staying up so late! I can identify so much with what you say, particularly the anger bit...and the embarrasment bit etc....
This disease is insidious. it takes us all with it unless we have the strength to beat it.
congratulations on your little boy. I'm sure he brings so much happiness to your life!
Try to remember the three Cs, you didn't cause her disease, you can't change it and you cannot control it.
Keep coming back, there ane many people here who care and understand
I really don't know what to say, except that I trusted my husband with driving my teen daughter places, not knowing that he was drinking. In fact, he was on his way home from work to pick up my daughter to take her to a ball game at her school when he just didn't make it home. After calling and calling his cell phone, his dad answered. It didn't make any sense why his dad answered my A's cell phone. He said that he was called by the police to pick up his vehicle, which had my A's phone in it, because my A was arrested for a dui. And to think he was going to be driving drunk with my daughter on a curvy road in the dark...it sickens me to think that many times he did just that without my knowing about it.
I'm sorry that you have to worry about your little guy's safety. Maybe the one thing I should be grateful for is that fact that I didn't put in the worry-time when he was driving with my daughter in the car because I didn't know about his drinking (hard to believe, I know...long story...).
I can relate to the slurred speech, clipped diction, etc. The one thing you have in your favor, I guess you could say, would be that you have been there and know what to watch out for. She can't fool you.
Take care, and please post again. It really does help knowing you have someone to talk to.
I am very sorry that you are going thru this. I think all of us with children have had the same worries at one point. Alcoholics dont intend to hurt their children and dont realize that they dont have good judgement while they are drunk. For me, I made it clear that under NO circumstance was he to drive with my children even after one beer. That meant that I picked them up from school, I took them to practice and picked them up, and I carted them for their social activities. It meant more work for me but less worries. You cant make her stop drinking however, it is YOUR responsibility to protect your son.. You may not wont to upset her but what is the alternative ? One of the things that I have learned in Alanon is boundries.. Set them and stick to them.. If driving with your son is one then make it clear to her.. Maybe hire a nanny fulltime while you are gone ? Explaining to her why, you are not telling her to quit you are protecting your son which is your responsibility.
Just a thought.. Keep coming back, it does help to know that you arent alone..
I agree with Tammy. You cannot worry about embarrassing yourself or your wife. I think you really need to do something before you go away for 4 days. It is just too risky to leave a child with an A. Especially after you know that she has been drinking and driving him around. It is your responsibility to not turn your back on this little guy. He cannot protect himself.
My dil does not even let my son pick his girls up for visitation in case in the event he might drink. It has never happened that he has ever done this but you just do not know with an A. I totally agree with her decision to do this. It does cause more pressure on me and my husband but you have to do whatever it takes to keep these kids safe.
It doesn't mean you don't care about your wife...it just means that you care enough to do something about a scary situation to keep your loved ones safe.
I am so glad that you joined this group and I hope you can find some immediate help with this.
Welcome to Miracles in Progress, glad you found us.
Please keep coming back and I would recommend to you to try to find a local meeting that you can attend in person. You say you have been sober for 9 years, do you attend Alcoholics Anonymous?
I just wanted to tell you that I relate very much to a lot of the feelings you are having towards your wife. I too was married to an alcoholic for 10 years.
Anyway, I have to get to work, but just wanted to welcome you to this site and tell you to please keep posting, and we have meetings here also in our chatroom twice a day, at 8am and 8pm cst. Please join us!
Thanks for the replies folks. Light of day...little bit better. Not much.
Tammy and Gailey of course you're right I can't take chances with my little boy. When I set up my travel, I told my wife I was going to talk to the nanny (who's there daytime Weds-Friday anyway) about putting in some Saturday hours and spending one night over too. I'm gone Weds. to early Sunday so it's just the three evenings and then all day and night Saturday. Saturday's what I'm worried about. I said the extra nanny hours were to give her a break but I think she knew my true concern and nixed the idea. She got very upset and said "give me some credit, I can take care of him by myself". I let it go. She does that kind of bullying thing. Sound familiar..yeah, I know.
But today I won't let it go. I've got a week before I leave and I'm going to insist today on measures while I'm gone or I won't go.
David, I tried and failed with AA for about 7 years before finding my own path to sobriety at age 30 (I drank from age 9). I do go to meetings once in a while because I love some of the folks there but I don't work the program. I have used my visits there and some phone numbers from the rooms to get me over "plateaus" I've gotten stuck on in my own recovery. Not that I don't respect the program...I respect any path to sobriety and I am thankful AA is there for people.
I have run the Long Beach (Southern Cal) Al-Anon meeting list online at least a dozen times. I am going to go and I hate to use lame excuses but like you probably...I have time constraints. Particularly now, when I need it most...I just can't leave my son to take the cumulative 2-3 hours a meeting requires. Right now my day's are layed out for me...very little input from me dictates my comings and goings. I'm not complaining...commitments are what got me from where I was 9 years ago to where I am now which, despite my whining is a world better.
I should say that too. My wife's not as bad a drunk as I was. Drinking, in the end debilitated me. But she's just on a later train then...isn't she.
I don't post much, but I do read most of the posts which helps me understand this terrible desease a little more and has made my life with my AW a little easier.
I just identify with your problem as it sounds very similar to mine. AW is hard worker at home and work, totally functional and pleasant to be around, until the 4th, 5th, 6th, wine after work. At that point I always just hope she tires out or pass out or go to bed, which many times she does.
I can understand your concern for your child. Fortunately ours are all grown and gone and my AW doesn't drink and drive. Does all her drinking at home - but it doesn't make for pleasant times later in the evening when she starts being foolish. I too am afraid to leave her alone for fear of what she will do (accidentally).
Anyway, there is a lot of help and support here and many people much more knowledgable and experienced than I am so I hope you will keep coming back. I hope things work our for you to ease your mind. Best wishes.
Jasocal, you have arrived at the right place. We all share your pain, frustration, and anger. Are you attending local AlAnon or AA? There is so much help for you there. Keep coming back here. This is a "family", complete with love and understanding.
Sincerely, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Welcome to MIP! Lots of experience, strength, and hope. This is a family disease. We are all impacted whether we are the one drinking or not. Keep coming back.
Well...I just got a 9 month reprieve. News today, another on the way. Tough situation but if you are wondering whether to be happy or sad for me...it's happy. We never got to talk about yesterday because she emailed me the news early this morning. We wanted another child anyway and shortly after giving birth to our son, we had a real candid talk where she suprised me by acknowledging that being sober while carrying him had been her happiest days in years.
So, I know this is a familiar trap...but I'm just hoping that this period of forced sobriety (and she wouldn't breach this duty, that I know) can be a springboard for her and for us. I'm going to wait a month and try to get her to start some therapy with the employee assistance program they have at her work. If she comes out of pregnancy without starting a program I'll be disappointed.
Oh, and now my nanny tells me she may be leaving. Baby boy's going into daycare when he's a year old and gets a spot anyway so we told her to keep her options open and she's found something that would be just terrific for her so we're happy and sad. But it may happen sort of soon with only a couple of weeks notice so as a stop gap I suggested brining my mom (who's her own kind of crazy) out. Wife suggested her mom instead because my mom's got a bum shoulder and is in about the same physical shape as Jabba the Hut. Of course, her mom is a raving, slurring, every day drunk. I'd rather leave my son with Representative Foley than with my mother in law...but I'm now talking about prospective problems which may never materialize so I won't dwell. In a way I wonder if the suggestion we bring out her mom was a challenge to me to speak my mind on the matter. Not exactly picking a fight on her part, but demonstrating she's ready for one. I don't know...again, I'll let it go.
Juster...yes, that's just the same with me. Not mean, not public (never public...but she does drive drunk in the afternoons as I've mentioned). She works hard, has a good heart, dotes on our son and cooks and keeps house. No ladies, I'm not a neanderthal...she loves her cooking shows and recipes and says I screw up everything in the kitchen. I do my share elsewhere.
Anyway Juster, maybe like you...I just get tired of her slurring her words, acting silly, forgetting our conversations and then there's the problem with her being alone with the baby. I'm just kind of alone you know? Last night she started a serious conversation about furnishing a vacation home we just bought and she's slurring and not making any sense and it's like I'm talking to a child who's playing dollhouse. She's telling me how if we were to rent the house out to vacationers while we're not there she's thinking about buying small wicker basket to keep our toothbrushes in. I'm like...okay. She's looking at me awaiting a serious opinion on the matter...sad no?
I'm sitting there thinking...how do I make conversation with a clown...what do I say. So I say..Yeah, hmmm, that's a thought, etc., etc. til I'm stark raving mad.
So..anyway what a good group of posters here. I came in with some preconceptions about Al-Anon'ers...not all good I'll confess. But I'm cautiously optimistic about you folks. Obviously, 2:32 a.m. pacific (I play hockey on Wed. nights) finds me in a much better space than last night. I no longer have to worry about my trip and I've got a clear headed wife for 9 months who may be capable of being gently reminded of how good these days are.
Wow. I just pray that she will stay sober those nine months. My heart goes out to you. It was very hard for me to leave the house with my A and the children here. I worried most about the baby. I sure wouldn't be gone for any longer than I had. I would only leave if I thought he hadn't been drinking.
I came back from the store one night, locked out. Ofcourse, I trained the kids to never open the door. Through the window I could see him slumped over and the boys trying to wake him to play hockey. I could here the baby screaming from the backroom. My oldest finally could see me and opened the door. The kids were alright. The boys were freaked out. The baby had been in her bed for who knows how long crying.
Before that the baby was only a few weeks old. (I had a c-section) He had brought some car home from the dealer and told me it would be his. With all the kids between us, it wasn't feasible. He had handed me the keys to go look at the inside of it. Even though I wasn't supposed to be driving yet. I was holding my ground about the car. (Pre Alanon) He finally snapped and knocked me down the garage stairs and was still coming after me. So, I got in the car backed over his ice chest. Was so mad at this point and got out and kicked....what I thought was an empty cooler across the garage he was trying to close. (The cooler wasn't empty after all). That set him off again.
I drove for as long as my body would allow. Everything hurt. I knew my foot was broke and I had reopened the incision. I ended up in a Walmart parking lot. Trying to just rest and figure out how I would get my chidlren out of the house. The police showed up to see why I was sitting there. I ended up talking to the police officer for about and hour. His wife was pregnant with there 5th and couldn't keep it sober this go around.
So, I get home and locked out. Couldn't hardly walked at this point. I ended up breaking the glass out of the front door. I found him passed out in the floor and all the kids asleep and safe for the most part.
So, having to leave the house with your child hits home with me. Our divorce will be final in seven days. He has visitation of the baby, who is now 2. It is in the papers he is not to drink with her or he will lose visitation. It did pretty good for a while. Last week, he dropped her off (I had a cold) and from ten feet away from him I could smell every bit of alcohol on him. The baby couldn't be any happier to be home. She clung to me for three days.
That is that. No more visitation. I hope for my daughter's sake. He will become sober and in a program of recovery. For now, I cannot take him at his word.
I wish you the best for you and your family. It is a totally different world for me to be in the program, rather than just a person who attends the program now. I had nothing to lose at the point I was at when just attending it wasn't doing the trick. I found a sponsor who could call my bluff at every turn and worked those steps. My life is no where near what it was two years ago.
Sure, I have things happen. They do not consume me anymore though. I put one foot in front of the other and take the next right action. I am now healthy enough to help my children pick up the pieces.
Yes, I can so identify with much of what you are going through. You know, at times it can be almost funny if it wasn't all so darn sad. My AW and I share all duties, in fact I cook the majority of suppers as she is usually busy with her wine. The thing that always gets me is that when she is going strong, I will just get the pans set up and ready to go, have not started cooking yet and she will say, mmmmmm, smells good! I guess an A's nose is a lot better than mine! Anyway she will say that about ten times before we eat.
When she begins to get to the point where she doesn't make much sense, I just become a bobble head doll with my head going back and forth in the yes position, or I just say yes, uh-huh, or Oh. As you say, she won't remember the conversation anyway and I certainly am not going to start arguing with a drunk - you know where that gets you - absolutely nowhere.
I also identify with the being alone part. Most of the people we met when we moved here all seemed to be heavy drinkers, so we slowly gravitated away from them as the AW doesn't need any more negative influences. We both get our socialization at work but stay home most of the time when we are off. So when she gets to the point of being in never-never land, I am alone with the exception of the two dogs. The only good thing is that we are both in the same business so when she is sober, we do have a lot to talk about.
I have resolved myself to the fact that until she decides she needs to do something to end the madness on her own, there is nothing I can do about it. I just try to enjoy the times we are together when she is sobor, or relatively so, and ignore the rest.
This thing is such a nasty desease and really does cause stinkin thinkin. I read so many posts here thay talk about the A recovering and being worse in recovery than when they were drinking. Makes me wonder if I should be glad that she is drinking and not recovering. How sick is that thinking!!!!!!
Anyway, as you can see, with the similarities we have, I really do empathize and sympathize with your situation. As I said, there are many people on this site that can be much more helpful than I can and I really hope that they will be of some assistance to you also. Very best wishes!
Welcome to the MIP family. Here you will find great strength, courage, experience, wisdom and a bit of humor (good for the ) . You are not alone here. Come into our chat room and join us for our online meetings if you can.
I don't blame you for feeling angry and scared when it comes to your son. I would be terrified to think that there's the possibility of her driving drunk with the baby. My AH was a kind and caring drunk. But it wasn't safe the last time when he almost set fire to the house by making microwave popcorn in the toaster oven! That's when I asked him to leave. He is now clean and sober almost 5 months. So don't give up the hope. Not all people use AA to stay sober, my father-in-law for one. But he does go to meetings with my hubby so he can keep in step. AA to my AH is another useful tool for him in addition to other things.
As a recovering addict (congrats on 9 years that's awsome! ) you know from experience that the only person who can make that choice is you. You have 2 options: drink or don't. As you work on your recovery you will become stronger. Like you recovery from alcohol the same thing applies to Alanon. Your recovery must be about you and for you, regardless if your wife choose sobriety or not. Looking out for you and your son is your number 1 priority. Do what is best for both of you.
Congrats on the new baby. I hope that this "forced" sobriety will stick. HP works in funny ways. Now you can go on your trip and try not to worry. Keep coming back to us. Give the little guy an extra big hug for me.
Love and blessings to you and your growing family. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.
Live strong,
Karilynn, Hubby and Pipers Kitty (the cat)
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Yeah, I should say...my situation really isn't all that horrible compared to what some folks here have been through. And wost case scenario, based on the picture presented by my mother-in-law, is a steady decline to a sad, permanent semi-impairment but nothing violent, nothing criminal, nothing obscene.
I just want my wife back so I'm fighting. I want her happy and healthy and optimistic. We're still young with a beautiful son, another baby on the way and a very comfortable life. I don't want to spend the next 50 years retreating to the den in dismay while she drinks herself silly on the couch.
She's in a good way today. Happy to be pregnant again. She's off wine, off coffee and all in all in a pretty good way. What a difference 48 hours makes. It reminds me what a powerhouse she can be when she's well.
This is just a breather in a long battle. I don't have any delusions. But I do know that she won't drink pregnant. It's not like she's fixed...she just has a huge enough ego that she won't let it happen.
Juster, the "smells good" anecdote made me laugh. I will, from time to time take over the cooking when the drinking starts too early and that's exactly the kind of thing I'll hear...over and over and over again. But that's sad too...she's grateful and trying to be nice but I'm just bothered by having to suffer through her impairment. It makes me feel so sorry for her, but pity's not exactly an aphrodesiac nor does it engender respect.
As regards the posts about A's being worse sober than drunk...I have a lot of sympathy for the folks here...but everyone's different. My wife and I were dating long distance (me L.A. her Boston) for the first two years of our relationship and my sobriety. So I had a lot of space to be selfish and tempermental and scared and a general jerk. Maybe that was ideal. I eased back into society and now I'm a different man than I was. God thinking about it I might be a whole different species than I was! I think that's part of my frustration is that I spent age 9 'til age 30 getting drunk and when I finally kicked it...I'm faced, beginning five years later with being dragged back down by her habit.
Some people have to face the fact that they've stopped loving (or wanting to be with) their alcoholic partner. You lose it. You want it back, but the loss of respect, the degradation and in some sad instances relayed here, the outright danger and abuse makes it irrecoverable.
Glad you got a chuckle out of the "smells good" remark. I'm Bar-B-Qing tonight so will probably get it again in spades.
Anyway, I meant to say a couple of other things in my last replys but failed to do so.
I am really happy that you are getting a respite from the norm with the new baby coming and your AW taking responsibility for it's welfare. It would be great if that would continue after the new arrival makes it's entry into the world. I will pray that that will be the case.
You should be very proud of your own accomplishment in turning your life around. It could not have been easy given what I have seen and read on this board. I used to think that I might be an A when I was younger because I did drink a lot to excess. As I got older I could not stand the hangovers and I realized that I never did a thing that I was proud of when I was drinking. I guess I was fortunate that I did not apparently have the "gene" that it takes to be a true A.
Now I, apparently like you, have to deal with the effects of alcohol in a different manner. I guess the old saying of what goes around comes around rings true in many instances.
Hope you have an enjoyable weekend & more. Best wishes,
) . You are not alone here. Come into our chat room and join us for our online meetings if you can.
) you know from experience that the only person who can make that choice is you. You have 2 options: drink or don't. As you work on your recovery you will become stronger. Like you recovery from alcohol the same thing applies to Alanon. Your recovery must be about you and for you, regardless if your wife choose sobriety or not. Looking out for you and your son is your number 1 priority. Do what is best for both of you.
